a l'Outrance

The Pits

2012-01-23T12:51:00.004-05:00

I know, I know.

I don't update this anymore. I'm the worst. Blah blah.

It's funny, because it would have been pretty interesting to chronicle the life this blog has missed. I was unemployed for a while, then sort of employed, then unemployed, then had this crazy job that sent me to LA, NY and Vegas, and now kinda half and half employed/unemployed again. Like a surf n turf.

Surf is definitely the unemployed because I don't eat seafood.

It's been a really trying time, truth be told. And it just keeps dragging on.

That's the nature of my work though, part-time work, short contracts, less-than-ideal jobs. I guess it's the path I chose though, so I shouldn't complain too much. But, I am ready for the next step - I'm ready for something full-time and permanent. Something that fits.

I have recruiters helping me find work, which makes me feel kinda important when I pretend they are my agents, and jobs are fighting over me (doesn't happen).

Oh and I have this now, just started: boneshark.tumblr.com so you can go there. It's like this blog, except I actually post things there, but tumblr is kinda for teenage girls. So, it's a plus/minus.

You want an update on my love life? Too bad. Just know that never finding someone who loves you isn't nearly as scary as never finding someone you love.

Keep up the good work, guys.

Kings & Angels

2011-12-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

***EDIT: There was an order to these photos, telling the story of my trip to LA - but they got out of order when I posted them, and also now they look like crap. And some of them are sideways. I don't know how/care to fix them. Enjoy!

New Car

2011-09-27T13:53:00.003-04:00

Hey, check it out! That's my new car. Well, not that one. Mine is less shiny, but it is a 1992 Ford Bronco. I really like it, it isn't perfect but it's definitely working for me right now. I was surprised how much life was left in a motor with 192,000 miles. It's not fast by any stretch, but the power is there when you need it, and it's definitely highway-ready (As long as you don't drive faster than 60). I can't wait to give it what it really wants - snow. It should be a fun winter for me and the bronco.

Anyway, here are some cars I would rather have gotten, but I couldn't because they weren't free like the Bronco.

The Cadillac CTS. Now in two-door! Wow, that's a gorgeous car. Remember the 80s and 90s when Cadillacs were old-guy land-yachts? They drove like they looked like they would drive-slowly and boatily. And then, the Escalade happened and led the charge on a major design overhaul. Cadillacs are cool again. Cadillacs are bad ass again. Look at that thing! The only old men driving it will be in full-blow mid life crises. To me, the two-door CTS is the culmination of the new image. Sharp, angular, sexy cars. Plus, performance is paramount again. Long gone are the days of 500 c.i. motors whose displacement far outstripped their performance. These are basically Corvettes, wrapped in leather and pointy grilles. These aren't bred for cul-de-sacs, these are bred on and for the Nürburgring. And it shows. Gimme.

Ahhh, there it is. For my money, the single meanest car ever made. Boxy, black and bitching. The Buick Grand National, and of course, the rare big brother, GNX, was pretty much the only good car in the 1980s. It was a dark decade in the automotive world, with gas and safety regulations from decades past catching up. Even the mighty Corvette was putting out around 175 horsepower at one point in this horrible period. But then there was this. I'm a sucker for G-bodies in general, having once owned an 87 Monte Carlo SS. I loved them all, the quirky and maligned Cutlass, the Monte and the base of the GNX, the Regal. Cutlass, Monte Carlo, Regal: I feel like a pirate. And this was a rogue's car. I know it's subjective, but the styling is second to none. It's the stuff of automotive nightmares: a horrifying visage featuring an aggressive grille, blacked-out accents and that pit bull stance. And thanks to one of the most ludicrous motors to ever roll out of Detroit, the bite backed up the bark. The mad geniuses at GM decided to bolt a massive, stone-age turbo to a V6. The result? The fastest production car you could get. Rumors said, with a pair of slicks, this fire-breather would run 13.5 out of the box. 13.5! In the 80s! Gimme.

Some day, I'll have both of those. I'll keep the Bronco too. The CTS for business, the GNX for weekends and the Bronco for winter. Sounds like a suitable stable to me.

I Didn't Win

2011-09-23T10:37:00.007-04:00

So, McSweeney's ran the winners of their column contest, and I was not one of them.

I probably wasn't twee or pithy enough for them. But I'm just the right amount of twee and pithy for you guys. Awwww. I should have written a column called "Jokes my ironically named pet bird told me about 1980s heads of state" they'd eat that shit right up. So, anyway, here's my entry for their contest. Enjoy how much better it is than the crap they are sure to run from their "winners". You're the real winners today, guys. Congratulations.

Cooking with Tony is a column that is really a front to tell stories of mine and bitch about things I want to bitch about, loosely related to food or cooking. I have the palette of a 12 year-old, and the budget and motivation of a college sophomore. The format will be adhered to as strictly as the content won’t be.

So here it is, not my funniest story, but the story that I thought best presented my proposed concept. Bon Appétit!

Cooking with Tony – Stromboli

I think we’ve all been there: it’s a balmy summer evening, I’m not wearing any pants, and it’s creeping closer to “Crap, it’s ten o’clock and I can’t eat this late or I’ll get heartburn and fat” time. I need to whip up a fun, easy menu that delivers bold flavor, charm and nutrition. Join me on a recent epicurean journey.

First off, dinner has a few requirements for me: it should be hot, and include more than one “dish”. And preferably salty. And crunchy. And not gross. I turn to my pantry (cabinet above my sink). How many Pop-Tarts are in a dinner? Three. Three Pop-Tarts are a dinner, with a side of tortilla chips (salty and crunchy!). But, the baffling two-tarts-to-a-pouch philosophy of the heatable breakfast market does me in. I can’t just leave one to go bad in its crinkley silver coffin, and I can’t eat four – eating four Pop-Tarts means you’ve failed at life.

The menu planning continues: No clean pots for pasta, and I had pizza rolls for lunch. Sometimes, if you remain uninspired, I’ve found it’s okay to look outside your own ingredients, especially when your ingredients are all microwavable, toasterable, or canned chili. So in this case, it was time to bite the bullet and set out. And by set out, I mean get dressed and walk two doors down to the pizza shop. A world of possibilities opens before me! A world which is entirely populated by pizza, cheesesteaks and stromboli. Cheesesteaks are always a bonus, because I can toss stray meat flakes to my cat, but I’m not in the mood. Pizza makes my beard smell greasy, and I’m headed to the bar later. So, it’s set, tonight’s menu: stromboli, with a side of French fries, paired with a 2011 Diet Pepsi.

Side note: I used to drink regular Pepsi, but at the staggering rate of my consumption, switching to diet was my only hope of avoiding mid-20s diabetes.

Side side note: In doing research for this recipe, I found out that the delicious stromboli is a regional dish, native to my north eastern part of America. A) You’re welcome for the culture, you rubes. B) That’s a shame, rest of the country. I feel bad for you. And C) You might not have stromboli, but I am assuming you have the internet since you’re reading this, so just Google it already.

Fine, it’s a lot like a calzone. You backwater hillbillies know what that is, right? Happy now?

Anyway.

Gathering ingredients for your menu can be a metaphor for life; you look outside yourself when you realize everything in your cabinet (pathetic life) is boring, spoiled or stale. Or you really need to stop talking to your ex-girlfriend because she’s really just a total bummer and you guys are never getting back together or even going on another date that was as good as that time you guys got ice cream and laughed so much when you had a sprinkle stuck in your beard. So don’t eat the spoiled cheese (ex-girlfriend). Go and get a stromboli (girl who goes to the bar you go to who wears too much eye make-up and definitely won’t nag you about things like how salt and pepper shakers and ketchup shouldn’t be “permanent fixtures” of your coffee table, or “paying the electric bill” or “looking at other girls’ boobs” or “Tony could you take the goddamn Guitar Hero guitar off the couch so I have a place to sit”).

So, I go out, like my hunter-gatherer ancestors: I put on pants and shoes and walk to the shop two doors down from my apartment. I always hope to order from the nice old Greek lady, to avoid interacting with the marble-mouthed 40-something who also works there. In this particular instance, I wasn’t so lucky. Before getting a chance to place my order, he somehow forces the following from his perpetually open mouth: “Hey Jeff! Hahaheeehaaaeeehh?” No, sorry, Jeff isn’t my name, but nice try at randomly guessing after interacting with me for nearly two years! I order. It’s often said that waiting is the hardest part of cooking, and they are right. I sit on my stoop and smoke two cigarettes. Like all things in life though, the wait is often the most enlightening part. I learn that a one-way sign is no deterrent as two separate cars go the wrong way on my street. I learn that people who drive hybrids can rarely be bothered with “parking between the lines” or “not being an asshole.”

Ah! The true reward of cooking is finally here: the meal is ready! I pick it up and head back to my apartment. My cat is disappointed as she doesn’t see a cheesesteak emerge from the greasy bag. I am encouraged that I made the right choice, because that was super easy. If I had to do it again, I would have said “no onions” twice, because one time they put onions in my stromboli and cooked onions are creepy and slimy and gross. Overall, this was a very successful menu: the pairings interacted like world-class dance partners and the Italo-American flair lit up the room with an ebullient “Mama-Mia!” charm. Bon Appétit!

Stromboli

Recipe (includes French fries and Diet Pepsi side dishes):

13 Dollars

1 pair shoes

1 pair pants

Ketchup (to taste)

Clean plate

Pizza place (Greek)

Preparation Time: “10 minuhs” (16 minutes)

Difficulty: No.

Pros: A stranger made my dinner. Delicious. Kitchen isn’t hot from stove. No microwave brain cancer. Cheese.

Cons: A stranger touched my dinner. Putting on pants and shoes. Washing stromboli plate. Interacting with the guy who rides a bike to work and drinks shots of Goldschläger on a begged-for credit line at the local bar. Eating too much and getting a stomach ache.

Conclusion: A really great recipe overall: simple, delicious, multicultural. The real question is: would I make stromboli again? Yes. Especially if it is really hot out or I am totally out of other food. Probably not if it was raining, though. Also, don’t order the large, that thing is like four goddamn pounds.

****

When I sent this idea to some friends of mine, they all said pretty much the same thing: “You’re an idiot.” When pressed further, they said “It’s a pretty good column, but it seems pretty limited.” I am paraphrasing, because they didn’t all say exactly the same thing and because I don’t pay attention to them very well. However, as a rebuttal, here is a list of (more than the requested three) future columns:

· How Many Grapes Can Fit in Your Mouth? (A tale of youth, machismo and victory)

· The Time My Mom Ruined My Eleventh Birthday with Carrot Cake (A treatise on shit that shouldn’t be desserts, mostly)

· The Time My Friends Made Me Eat Sushi at that Fancy Restaurant (Squishy disks of fish and pretension)

· No Waffles a la Friend’s Drunk Dad at an Engagement Party (He promised me waffles and asked me to dance)

· Ham and Cheese and Tostitos (Pro: actual recipe, Con: not really)

· Getting a Sandwich Named after You (Bucket List) (The Tony Burger)

· I Love Steak More Than Any Girl I’ve Ever Met (I once said “If I ever meet a girl I love as much as the Phillies I will marry her immediately. I guess that isn’t related to steak, but you get the idea. The idea is girls are not as good as other really good stuff)

· Mozzarella Sticks: Ambrosia? (self-explanatory)

· My Favorite Vegan Meal is Telling Everyone I’m Vegan (90% of vegans are truly insufferable, also chubby because all they eat is bread and Twizzlers also quinoa tastes like un-brewed tea)

· One Time at a Bar a Girl Sent Me a Pizza Instead of a Drink (Valentine’s Day theme column?????)

**************

There you have it. I thought it was pretty good. Oh well.

Rodeo

2011-06-13T17:36:00.003-04:00

That about sums up where I am right now, mentally, spiritually and pizzally.

I'm super old update:

I graduated from high school ten years ago this week. Ten years is a really, really long time. If I could time machine back to that day and see myself, I would say:

Keep up the good work?

I don't know. I should probably have something profound here.
-How about, You aren't going to marry any of 'em, so dump 'em when you think of it. It's easier that way and then your R2D2 poster won't get destroyed and you won't have to punch that guy with the earrings and bad tattoos.
-Don't park your car in front of your apartment on Cricket Ave., that car was bitching and some asshole is going to steal it.
-You are totally right, naps are always a waste of time. I regret nothing but the naps.
-You still don't like Chinese food.
-Would it kill you to exercise once in a while you lazy ass?
-All those Phillies games you turn down tickets to turn out awesome. I'm not going to spoil the surprise, but it rhymes with ho nitter.
-They see you rollin, they hatin
-He makes it, she doesn't, be strong for your mom.
-Avail doesn't come back for like seven years, don't miss that show.
-Your beard is awesome. You single handedly bring beards back.
-Forgive. Always.
-Don't sweat the technique.
-Be excellent to each other.

I think that about sums it up. You're doing a good job kid, it gets better.

I also am old because:

-I got my new license yesterday. My picture looks exactly the same. This one expires in 2015, but I'll probably have to renew for my hover car license before then.
-One of my best friends turns 30 today. Ew.

X Gonna Give it to Ya

2011-06-08T11:00:00.004-04:00

I wish this post were about DMX, as I relate pretty much everything to him lately.

But it's not. I saw X-Men: First Class last night. And typing that out for the first time, I realize that's kind of a stupid name. First Class. Classy X-Men. Whatever, it was pretty good.

Except January Jones, she is terrible and I hate her. Also Mystique was slutty, petulant and annoying, but I suppose that is probably appropriate.

I consider myself pretty hip and "with it" and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK, INTERNET? You are making less and less sense and not even in a good, Nyan Cat way.

What the HELL is with these stupid "that awkward moment..." things?

HAHAH I saw movies! Haha I get it! Funny movie! *fatkidfartnoiseface*

The internet, that's not awkward, nor is it a moment, and it's not funny or anything else good. Most of these "awkward moment" things aren't even complete sentences or thoughts. While doing my typical deep, probing and thorough research for this post, I googled "that awkward moment" - that was a terrible mistake. That google hole plunged me into a deep despair and I found myself wishing for the world to end and to never have existed in the first place. Thanks. Most of these "awkward moments" are things like "that awkward moment when you eat a pudding" or "that awkward moment when your foot is asleep" WHAT? Why would anyone talk about that? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Or they are fake, like those horrible fake TFLN. Why would you make up a TFLN? You are the worst human. "That awkward moment when you are so cool and you quote a movie and then you are handsome!" I made that one up.

Oh the internet, I guess I shouldn't expect so much from a thing run by people who are either mentally or actually thirteen.

Let's go back, internet, you and me babe, let's go back to porkchop sandwiches and unforgivable. C'mon, for old time's sake. Just a little. Yeah. C'mon c'mon. Yeah.

I was going to embed the video for Ghost Town DJ's My Boo here, but my computer is disagreeing with YouTube right now. So, play that song, imaging me captioning it with "this is a pretty good summer jam" and be on your way.

Road-eo

2011-05-31T14:32:00.004-04:00

That cover is so awesome. It's about time for another Summertime Funmertime playlist. Imma do that.

Hey! Happy Memorial Day. What'd you do? Hamburgers? I hope it was hamburgers. I had a ton of fireworks to shoot off and then I didn't even get to. My weekend was monopolized by a trip to our nation's capital.

One of my best friends from high school was getting married in DC. I headed down Saturday for the brotrothal. Remember? You were helping me pick an outfit. I couldn't decide and ended up taking three outfits with me. BE PREPARED.

The trip down was surprisingly easy after I had prepared myself for the nightmare that is X95 traffic I had heard so much about. A quick pit stop for some rollerblade-chat-inspired Diet Mountain Dew was the only real speedbump.

I think my favorite thing I saw as we pulled into DC was the "WE OPEN LATE" Wendy's sign I saw. You know, someone who actually knows how to read correctly might interpret that negatively. A block from there was a crooked, bent, stained sign which read "US CAPITOL ---->" which I also thought was hilarious. Thattaway. Ha.

Washington DC is bizarre. It's clean, no one there could beat me up, and the streets are wildly confusing and round. It's everything Philadelphia isn't. I give it a B-.

The actual wedding was a wedding. There was church (snore) cake (yum) and drunkenness (meh). White people remain terrible dancers. Especially the ones who are either acutely aware, or completely oblivious, to that fact. Overall it was a good wedding. I was rarely bored, the people who were there are some of my favorite people in the entire world, and I think the wedding was a good idea. Nothing like thinking a marriage will end in bitter divorce/murder suicide to ruin a wedding.

In my mind I thought a post wedding drive home was a much more reasonable plan than a hotel room. Hey, I won't be drunk, why not? Why not?! Because it will be three in the morning and you will have a terrifying and harrowing sleephorror drive home. You will have to hang your head out the window like a goddamned golden retriever just to stay awake through Maryland. Yeah, don't do that next time.

Anyway, keep it real homies. Hollerback for a dope playlist. Hope you enjoyed the travelblogue.

The Cricket

2011-05-26T14:52:00.003-04:00

I love Wilson Valdez. I call him the Cricket. Because he is cricket-like.

I have to go to a wedding this weekend for one of my best friends from high school. It's a little weird that a lot of my friends are family-ing up, and in light of all of this love, and life and reflection I am left with a truly important question.

What should I wear?

I turn to the most obvious fashion icon for my personal needs, Rick Ross.

Boss.

And while this black on black on black (on black) is working for him, I fear it might be a little played. Ideas? I probably have better fashion sense than you, but who knows, maybe you will accidentally stumble upon something that is brilliant for reasons that are, frankly, beyond your comprehension.

Oh and here's my impression of life:

Did I tell you guys I have a softball team? No? Oh that's because we didn't win until our fourth game. BUT NOW WE DID so hey - I am on a softball team. I am pretty good.

PEOPLE I AM BRINGING THIS BLOG SHIT BACK. Let's do this.

BOOM!

2011-05-23T09:23:00.003-04:00

I'm back from my sabbatical. It was radical.

Since I've been gone, I've been 28, hungry, funny and Philliesed.

But, hey, what's up?

I got my groove back. And through careful introspection, deductive reasoning and a 3 AM watching of the terrible movie, Legion, I now know the difference between Tyrese and Tyson Beckford. Just don't ask me to tell you, because a) that's impossible and b) you must come upon this knowledge yourself. Tabula Rasa or some shit.

Also I saw Thor. It was cool until he turned into a total pussy at the end and was smooching up on Natalie Portman. Like the Thunder God has time for that bullshit. AS IF.

So, since I'm back, feel free to write to me for (good) advice (from a bad person), suggest playlists, purple stuff, or whatever.

In other news:
-My cat just walked into the room, saw the dream catcher (sometimes my dreams need to be caught), which has been there for four months and made a noise I never heard her make before. Like a mix of a growl, a purr, and some dumb bird noise. Cats are weird, but maybe she saw a ghost because I heard cats can do that. Probably not mine though, she gets her head stuck in bags ALL THE TIME. /endcatnews
-I didn't get raptured
-Someone just drove by the HQ blasting a Crystal Waters-esque 90s techno lite dance club hit jam. BLASTING. At 9:15 AM. I almost ran downstairs just to see what kind of human would be into that sort of thing. Guesses?

Check me out here, where I bring the hot fire on a sometimes-more-than-once-a-day basis. Really worth it. It's a twitter link. To my twitter.

Get some.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

2011-03-28T11:36:00.003-04:00

Birthday Edition!

Wildly delicious Root Beer cupcakes provided by Ashley, MVP of Birthday Boom.

Friday was my 28th birthday. We partied. I had a blast, and was so glad so many people could make it out and have a good time in honor, celebration and devotion to me. Thanks homeys.

I was glad people could get so drunk just because it was my birthday. Too bad no one puked/fought/cried.

Got some excellent presents:

This incredible Camel ad featuring baseball players talking about how MILD camels SMOKE. It's awesome

A completely bizarre/awesome version of Notes from Underground
that included The Gambler in the back of the book upside down. It's hard to explain. But awesome.

Star Wars Mad Libs.

A new baseball glove.

AND MANY MORE!

All in all, it was a good birthday. Thank you to those who made it that way.

Here is a playlist (!) that is a representative sample of the songs I chose with the twenty dollar bill I put in the jukebox that night. ENJOY THE PLAYLIST!

HB

2011-03-25T11:00:00.001-04:00

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

2011-03-22T17:35:00.003-04:00

I am posting this from my new laptop.

My old one just turned off the other day and wouldn't come back on for more than a few seconds.

Apparently the mobo was donezo.

So, 800 bucks later, I'm back in business. My blog looks like shit on this new computer, guess I'm due for a redesign.

No new car for me yet, this kinda ate into my car budget. Crap.

Other than that, winding down another year on Earth.

I forgot how much work goes into setting up a new computer. Also forgotten: my router password. Oops!

There was something else I wanted to blog about... OH WELL. I forgot.

Saint Craptrick's Day

2011-03-18T14:10:00.004-04:00

Wow. Last night got a little weird.

It was pretty tame at the bar, I was kind of expecting things to be a little more...festive.

It was the two year anniversary of me realizing one of my life-long dreams of getting to throw a scumbag through a window. Remembered fondly.

While it was less than ideal, it sure did bring some crazy weirdo lames out of the woodwork.

Let me give you the dossier on my (least) favorite:
Dude
Black weird curly hair
One large black earring
Johnny Cash shirt
Confusing jeans
Timberlands
Very ugly and oddly placed forearm tattoo
Overheard quotes:

"Man, chicks are SO DECEIVING!"
"Yeah man, that's right, FUCK college. Makes you stupid. Schools make you IGNORANT!"
"Yeah man, I have like booze back at the place, any thing you bring would be chaaaaasers. Rock and roll, man. Rock and roll"

So that was my night.

Also BASKETBALL, SPRING TIME, birthday planning (not actually happening), car shopping (not so much either)

Got my first birthday gift yesterday (from myself) - a new baseball glove! I was way too excited about this. It's rubber banded right now. I can smell it.

I have included a picture of Evel Knievel because he is my hero and I want an Evel tattoo.

Holler.

Down Time

2011-03-15T17:22:00.004-04:00

Everyday miracles, angels in America, Jewish holidays; listen up:

I have yet to replace a single light bulb in my apartment in the 20 months I've lived here. SO REAL. Magical.

Also, SHAMROCK SHAKES.

Yesterday, I got money deposited into my account from my insurance company. A mere 43 days after my car was totaled. Phew, life in the digital age moves at a break neck pace.

I still have no clue what car I want. Nor have I figured out if I am going to go cheap and buy a car with the money I got flat out, or bite the bullet and use it as a down payment and slog through another 48 months of monthly payments. Both ideas kinda blow if you ask me. HOW ABOUT YOU JUST GIVE ME A CAR. Then I can use the money for tattoos and hats and shoes and credit card bills. HOORAY. And shamrock shakes.

My birthday is 10 days away and I have no plans. Get the surprise party plans on point, yo.

What should I ask for for my birthday? Houseboat? Good idea.

Blazer

2011-03-07T18:26:00.003-05:00

Me neither, man. Me neither.

There's an ap for that.

It's March. March is the best month, check it:

March Madness
Spring Training
Shamrock Shakes
My birthday
Better weather
The Ides of March?

Ok I was stretching with that last one a bit. But fuck you March is awesome.

Car update: no car yet. No insurance money yet, actually. Those a-holes are dragging their feet with my PAPER CHASE. I guess it isn't really a paper chase. But I want my money so I can buy a ridiculous truck.

In other news; DMX, Mopo, root beer, Phillies, sneakers, beard, high fives, pencils, laundry, books.

Goodnight, Dune

2011-03-02T17:06:00.002-05:00

THIS THIS THIS YES YES YES

Curls

2011-02-28T17:10:00.002-05:00

So this whole finding a car thing is kind of like finding a girlfriend.

It's going to cost me a ton of money and frustration. And really I just need one that is going to look so cool it gets me girls.

Last night I forgot to take out the trash and change the cat's litter. This caused me to have a "nightmare" about finding another, unchanged, secondary cat box in my apartment. My brain is stupid when I'm not in charge of it.

Hey it's 60 degrees today! But also Seattle. Take the good with the bad.

I had to go to a notary yesterday, and it made me realize that notary might be the silliest, most archaic public service position in existence. It's like having a horse inspector around the corner.

OSCARS! I didn't see a single movie that was nominated for any of those awards. Not a single one. I honestly think the last movie I saw in the the theaters in the last 365 days was Paranormal Activity 2, and that was terrible (as I knew it would be).

Let's party?

Warlock

2011-02-24T14:56:00.002-05:00

Woah, long time no see. Sorry about that, creeps.

Still car blah blah blahing. Insurance companies are devils, etc.

I think I might go check out a 1979 Warlock. Badass truck hey.

Besides that, my life is boring.

Lately, a few people have made the same accusation about me.

They say I'm a big fish in a small pond, and that's just how I like it. I can tell you all I want about how much I love the suburbs, and how the city isn't really for me, and how I've done that and I'm over it. But, maybe they are right. Maybe I do like being the coolest guy in town. Maybe I do like everyone knowing my name. Maybe I do want to be a big, handsome, funny fish in a small pond. This needs more thought.

Scratch that.

2011-02-17T16:52:00.002-05:00

That super awesome truck I was looking at got sold out from under me.

Back to the drawing board.

Fuck the Po-lice

2011-02-17T15:23:00.002-05:00

And by po-lice, I mean my insurance company.

Got their initial, low-ball offer today. I mean, it wasn't that low, but I think I can get more out of them.

Especially since their comps for a 2002 WRX with 90,000 miles were mostly Imprezas and Outbacks with 120,000+ miles on them.

Assholes.

In other news, my parents dogs are bad, demanding and adorable.

I bet my next girlfriend will be those three things too.

Camusentine

2011-02-16T00:41:00.002-05:00

Valentine

2011-02-14T17:09:00.002-05:00

So it's Valentine's Day.

I don't have a girlfriend, so it really isn't that big of a deal. I just know I can't hang out with any girls tonight, lest I give them the wrong idea. Ha.

Here's the most romantic song I could find.

I'm at my parents house watching their dogs this week. Please don't rob my apartment. But if you do, feed my cat while you are there.

I totally want to buy this truck:

And I think I might.

Car News (snooze)

2011-02-10T15:43:00.003-05:00

My car is officially totaled.

RIP 2002 Subaru WRX Wagon. You've served me well. I'm glad I got some awesome donuts out of you in your last big snowfall.

It was a good car, fast and perky, up for any snowy problems. It saved me and my friends from an icy doom many times.

But, as I realized, I'm not exactly a Japanese station wagon kind of guy, no matter how cool said wagon is.

What should my next car be?

K-S my H

2011-02-07T17:26:00.004-05:00

So I found this thing of York peppermint patties from Christmas. And it made me feel like this song. Presumably, strippers and blow make most people feel like this song.

I am sure there is a heart attack joke in here somewhere.

This is funny to me because someone thought you might want to follow along with the lyrics and made a Youtube video of that. Maybe they are picturing people using this to do some low budget, at-home Karaoke to this song. That makes me sad.

Sweet typeface bro.

One of these days I'm going to make an anonymous blog so I can blog about actual crazy shit and you can laugh at me and people I know in real life. As for now, I think that would be a terrible idea.

I think one of the greatest hurdles most novelists need to clear is the ability, shamelessness and willingness to sell out their closest friends and family. I strive for this. question mark??

No car updates. I see this shaking out one of two ways:

a) car is totaled. I am forced to haggle with insurance over price of car, takes a few weeks for a check to come.

b) car is not totaled. I must wait a few weeks for car to be fixed, pay a $500 deductible and my car will never be the same.

BOTH THESE OPTIONS SUCK.

No Cheerleaders at the Super Bowl (Superb Owl)

2011-02-04T12:24:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the first day in a while I didn't have an article due.

Which was nice, because of not having to do work, but pretty crappy in that I don't have an article up this week, and don't have a place for my stuff yet. Still looking.

Car update: no update.

But the rental place gave me a giant pickup truck. Which is kind of funny. It was that or a Hyundai Elantra. Easy choice.

So I am thinking my car is totaled. If that's the case, I need a new car.

What kind of car should I get? I should start a poll. Any ideas?

I Picked the Wrong Day to Quit Sniffing Glue

2011-02-02T17:25:00.006-05:00

Post subtitled: I have always depended on the ineptitude of strangers.

Sooooo today I was taking a wee break from work to run some errands.

As I approached my car I thought "Hm, that's weird, I don't remember parking my car at a 45 degree angle, half on a snow bank"

and then it hit me: I didn't! Some stranger was kind enough to take their car and ram it into my car, achieving that awesome new parking spot.

That was so nice of someone. To be able to manage hitting my car so hard that it moved 6-8 feet. I am really impressed they were able to generate enough force about 25 feet from a stop sign, on a turn, in front of a school to smack my car this hard. Wow!

Thanks again!

It's worse than it looks. The other car apparently had to be towed.

Wintery Mix

2011-02-01T13:22:00.003-05:00

Please stop Tweeting/Facebook Statusing about going to the gym. I get it, you go to the gym. This makes you a really great person. But, in a world where people talk about the mundane shit they do, this particular mundane shit gets way overused. I know you do it just to tell us that you go to the gym. Theoretically you do plenty of over things on a semi-regular basis that you don't mention, but you feel compelled to tell us all that you are very interested in fitness (not vanity/increasing your ability to get laid). Soooooo, stfu. Really.

In other news, it's February. AKA probably the worst month. Christmas is over, but it's not Spring yet. Snore.

I'm actually working on some new playlists. Remember those? Awwww.

I think I am finally getting over my cold, which means I'm getting over my two-weeks-of-feeling-perpetually-uncomfortable-and-grumpy.

Hey, remember Good Advice From a Bad Person? Let's do that. goodadvicefromabadperson@gmail.com is there for a reason, assholes.

I'm still looking for a place to ply my wares. Feel free to suggest something. I really don't think I'll be moving on to Phillyist's new venture, for obvious reasons. Those reasons being I don't like musical theater. And they don't want me to. Or like me. ha.

Boyz II Men

2011-01-28T13:36:00.002-05:00

Here's my final Phillyist column.

Short and sweet. ish.

DMX

2011-01-27T16:05:00.002-05:00

Snowpocalypse '11? Not quite, but that was some serious snow last night.

Wandered out into it to get some medicine. There was a foot of snow on the street. Way to go, jerks. I park for twenty minutes and I get a parking ticket, but you can't clean the streets? I SEE HOW IT IS.

I just finished off my farewell column for Phillyist, that should be up soon. I'll let you know.

Some tweets I tweeted today:

I got [crumbs] on my [shirt] and there's no remorse, I got [icing] on my [face] cause I [ate] a [cake], I'm a [messy eater] #DMXedited

It's the nonstop [meow, meow] of [playful kittens] #DMXedited

Running around here like some brand new [kitten] that's about the get [petted] #DMXedited

So, if you aren't yet, get at me on there. TWITTER!

GAFABP 2.0

2011-01-25T23:52:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I am moving onward and upward with Good Advice From a Bad Person, including:

Goodadvicefromabadperson@gmail.com

and

@GAFABP on twitter!

Figured out how to forward my gmail, but does anyone know an easy way to manage two twitter accounts?

I'll tumble for ya

2011-01-25T22:08:00.005-05:00

Ok I know. I am just bored tonight.

Sometimes I want to write about girls. But that's a HORRIBLE IDEA.

So instead, I bring you this thing I made, to explain my life in girl adventures.

Burn.

2011-01-25T21:32:00.002-05:00

This is a little Tumbley of me, but it was too clever not to put up.

Canadiens, you blow. Meh, you too, Canadians.

Rodeo

2011-01-25T15:58:00.003-05:00

I was sick all weekend.

I slept for 17 of the 24 hours between 2 am Saturday and 2 am Sunday. I never do that. It was bizarre.

Yesterday was the "Christmas" party at Cheers. I think I have a hangover despite not drinking. But I won a prize? So there's that.

Also: football, annoying whore cat, Target, watermelon juice, cough medicine brain freeze, not enough degrees, tapas, all my electronics turning on me, else.

Via Black and wtf.

Gimme books to read.

Someone suggested Martin Amis. I started reading Time's Arrow because it was the only book of his the book store had, but it is kind of annoying to read. I mean, I think that is kind of the point?

So, on to Phillyist:

Phillyist is shutting down. Meaning, my Good Advice From a Bad Person columns are now homeless, at least as far as a home beyond here.

If anyone knows of a spot for them to be, that'd be awesome. Especially if that spot wanted to pay me to write them. I need to get my shit together and try to find something. I should write to Philly Weekly and the City Paper.

The Phillyist editors are making a new site. But a) I don't think they like me very much anymore after I was a pain in the ass to them and b) I don't think my particular brand of wit fits with their "theater reviews!" theme. They left me out of the "here's our new idea" email until I specifically asked for it.

Onward and upward.

RIP

2011-01-21T17:07:00.005-05:00

So this is happening.

Crap.

Phillyist will no longer be publishing new posts as of February 1st.

I blame everyone, but me.

To be honest, this is a huge bummer, and I am super grateful Phillyist hooked me up and gave me a spot to post my stuff.

I'll write more about this when I understand it a little better.

If all else fails I will just publish my GAFABPs here, as I did before. But I would really love to find another home for them.

Hmmm I wonder if Philebrity is 'hiring'.

A Day Late

2011-01-21T15:40:00.002-05:00

Ooooops.

My Good Advice From a Bad Person is up today instead of yesterday.

So be it.

Vanity

2011-01-19T15:09:00.002-05:00

So I just read Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs. Another non-book book. But it was pretty interesting. I never caught this one the first time around when everyone else did, so I felt I kinda owed it to Chuck.

He is a total hater and pop culture whore, so I kind of could relate.

He proposed some interesting hypothetical scenarios. The one I found the most interesting I asked a bunch of my male friends. To my surprise, I was the only one who chose one of the options, while they all agreed on the other.

Here is the scenario, paraphrased:

Would you rather sleep with the one person in the world you most want to sleep with (celebrity, whatever), but NO ONE can ever know...

OR

Would you rather be seen in public hand in hand with this person for a long enough time that everyone THINKS you slept with them, but you don't actually get to sleep with them.

Would you rather have the 5, 10, 15 minutes of visceral experience with the person you most desire, or the vanity and notoriety associated with it, if you had to choose between the two?

To me, the choice was obvious. But ALL my male friends disagreed with me. I wonder what this says about me. I have my theories.

WFC

2011-01-15T14:47:00.001-05:00

Same Bat Channel

2011-01-13T16:10:00.001-05:00

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person.

It is about hamsters. Awwww.

Wasteland

2011-01-11T16:07:00.002-05:00

I am reading Patton Oswalt's new book right now. It's a nice read; funny and compelling, but I noticed something. So many of these new books AREN'T books. So many of these new celebrated authors don't bother writing novels. They are mishmashed memoirs and jokey sections. I could totally pull this off, and it is much easier than a novel. Thanks lazy readers/writers, for giving me hope.

Speaking of memoirs I wish I could write about half the shit that happens to me in here.

Instead I'll just continue to complain about my car. The radiator exploded and the windshield needs to be replaced. Trust me, that is so not as interesting as the real shit I want to complain about.

Apparently we are all lined up for another snowpocalypse again today. I don't really care. It's all the same to me.

To bright futures.

Have To

2011-01-06T16:12:00.001-05:00

Here it is, like every other Thursday.

In other news, fuck your couch.

2011

2011-01-05T13:14:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year.

Things I learned in 2010:

1. Cats are just as annoying to own as I thought they would be
2. It's nice having a warm, fuzzy jerk to come home to
3. You can't always get what you want
4. Some people you just can't help
5. I will never have a car that runs perfectly and without incident
6. Being happy is all that matters
7. There are people out there who enjoy what I write
8. I like early 90's college rock way more than I should

Things for 2011:

1. Write more, bitch less
2. Get paid to write
3. Know when it's time to let go
4. Eat better/cheaper
5. Play sports
6. Go to a Phillies game with my dad
7. Onward, upward
8. Schedule

I am started 2011 pretty much how I started 2010. Same job, same apartment, same life. While I am alright with my job, apartment and life, I feel like I should not start 2012 the same way. I have made progress this year, but most of it is not tangible. I think I am a happier stronger person, but some of the shallow things, like money and job are where they were a a year ago. Shallow things matter. Progress is important. I want to be like a shark, always moving, not even able to go backward. I'll let you know how this works out.

Those aren't resolutions per se, but continuing goals, maxims and benchmarks.

What about you? How was your 2010? What are you trying to accomplish in 2011? How far have you come? How far will you go?

Holler

2010-12-30T18:42:00.001-05:00

Check out my new post over at Phillyist.

It's not the typical GAFABP, since you guys totally slacked on letters.

Also, worst week ever, seriously.

Reunited and it feels so good

2010-12-28T14:56:00.003-05:00

Hey, sorry about that.

Hope you enjoyed your Christmas vacation from my blog.

Today I bring you two links from my time away.

First up, my GAFABP from last week.

Second up, I did a year end countdown at my editor's request. Check it out.

That second one will make you mad.

Hope y'all had an awesome holiday, and feel free to tell me what you got for Christmas. I have some very funny Christmas stories to tell, but I have to get the ok from the people involved, or just tell them anyway.

Better late than never

2010-12-16T17:17:00.001-05:00

Column finally went up over at Phillyist. Get some!

Ps it is snowing. I love snow. And Christmas.

Brrr

2010-12-14T12:51:00.002-05:00

So, the PHILLIES signed Clifton Phifer Lee. People are suggesting PHOUR LOKO as their nickname, which is terrible, just like everything else that has to do with 4 loko. I prefer The Phantastic Phour. Now, this analogy is way harder to make than I expected.

Cole Hamels is obviously Sue Storm, despite his stretchiness.

Roy Halladay is Reed, because he's the leader and pretty tall.

After that, it gets tricky.

I am going to go with

Roy Oswalt is the Thing, because he doesn't seem very smart, but he's a total badass.

Cliff Lee is the Human Torch. Because he's hot? And brash and cocky, as evidenced by his pop-up nonchalance in the world series.

See? Doesn't that feel a little unsatisfying? Maybe Oswalt as the torch because he throws hard? A little too easy.

Either way, 4 Loko is stupid. Get over it. Maybe a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse comparison is in order.

Also, I think a good measure of a man is the Texts From Last Night that people send them and ask if they are about them. These are two that I got today:

(417) Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and "made it rain"?

and

(541) He's the only one I know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour about the science in Star Wars and still get laid.

There you have it folks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it rain. Mmm.

Editors Gonna Edit

2010-12-09T14:37:00.005-05:00

So this conversation is better than the actual article, and will make more sense once that goes up, but I thought you guys might enjoy this.

The joke in question:

The obvious solution would be to tell people you aren't pregnant when they ask. Isn't that some sort of stranger nightmare? "Hey pregnant lady! Yous all pregnant and stuff!" and then you say "Why no, uncouth hoi polloi, I'm just overstuffed as of late, I enjoy french fries and beers, thank you. That's a lovely cell phone holster you have." Because talking about someone's fatness is way ruder than talking about someone's reproductive choices apparently. America!

editor: Tony, can you break this sentence up please? Also, fair warning - I am cutting your cell phone holster joke. Otherwise, we're good to go. Just let me know when you've corrected that line.

me: why are you cutting the cell phone holster joke/

which sentence?

1:59 PM editor: You may also want to try telling people you are a surrogate, pretending you don't speak English, drawing a big sad face on your pregnant stomach, abortion, faux, over-enthusiasm, practicing unfriendly glares in your mirror, preemptively asking strangers if they are pregnant, or simply ignoring them.

Also, I question your pic of walmart without specific walmart reference.

2:00 PM me: haha

editor: I mean, I get it, but...

me: can i just semicolons in that sentence instead of breaking it up?

2:02 PM editor: My concern is double: that breaks in your list are unclear (solved by semicolon, okay), but also that you have a one sentence paragraph.

2:03 PM me: i have a few one sentence paragraphs

2:04 PM do you wear a cell phone holster on your belt?

editor: Nope. Also, that joke is irrelevant to your point in that paragraph and lacking set-up. Thus gone.

2:05 PM me: dude,

that's what makes it funny.

editor: DUDE.

I'm your editor and I'm telling you it's not. I'm sorry.

It might sound funny in your head, but it's a non-sequitur read.

2:08 PM me: I didn't know you were a joke editor. I thought you were like a copy editor.

editor: non-sequitur is a copy edit.

When things don't make sense, I get to have you change them or I get to take them out.

2:09 PM You feel like making a walmart joke there to make your picture make sense - I would recommend that.

me: it does make sense. someone who would say that would wear a cell phone holder. i'm developing characters in the small space i am allotted!

2:11 PM editor: That's great, but no.

me: plus the circular randomness of a stranger asking you fi you are pregnant and then you telling them an innapropriately over personal fashion critique! my jokes are subtle and nuanced

haha

2:12 PM ok plus MT won't let me log in, plus i wish i got sense-making edit your sports list

2:13 PM editor: The fact of the matter is, very little of your writing gets changed, you need to back off fighting for every little thing. There are reasons behind it. I will now go ahead and semicolon your list because I have wasted all the time I am able to spend on this at my real job...

2:14 PM me: Well, i'd be happy to change it if MT weren't a cruel mistress. Plus Phillies fans love pat burrell.

editor: lol. Not lately.

MT is a cruel mistress.

me: I log in, which takes forever then it takes me to a completely blank page.

editor: It loses whole things.

2:15 PM MT's a major bitch sometimes.

2:16 PM me: Eh, I just thought you cut the cell phone joke because you were afraid of offending our cell phone holster wearing readership. I make a lot of jokes like that, I love jokes like that.

2:17 PM editor: And some of them are funny and make sense. Like accusing the 50s of being stupid.

me: haha

cell phone holster was my favorite joke in the hole thing. you have a way of finding that and killing it.

you're like a tony's favorite joke assassin

2:18 PM editor: That's funny, because it was basically a black hole in that paragraph. Well, more like a giant stop sign.

me: oh burn

that's the point!

it's like bam

joke slap in the face.

2:20 PM editor: like I said, funny in your head. But disruptive to the paragraph. going back to work now.

2:21 PM me: i checked. my fan club said it was funny.

sorry i couldn't fix the semicolons

editor: It's not a big deal.

me: i'm making a comment on the article that says "cell phone holster! ATTICA ATTICA!"
Editor is no longer available to chat.

EDIT: Here is the actual link to the article.

Bender

2010-12-08T09:38:00.003-05:00

I feel like I did a bunch of blow today. Not like I'd know, but I bet it's like this. Because I woke up 3-4 hours earlier than I typically do and I am killing it today. And by killing it I mean stressing myself out and getting a lot done but also crazed.

I have a friend from out of town visiting, so I have been cleaning my apartment hard. It's fucking dumb. I have way too many clothes to store. I have one closet and it is small and not in my bedroom. My dresser is full with about 1/3 of my clothing. So, I don't know what to do. My usual method of piling up dirty clothes on my kitchen floor and clean clothes on my kitchen table (my washer/dryer is in my kitchen) is not going to cut it. Oh well.

Also I have an article due tomorrow and nothing to write. Please give me some advice letters. I need one for tomorrow. Also I am supposed to be writing some sort of year end top ten list or countdown or something. My ideas so far are top 10 sandwiches I ate this year and top 10 funniest nicknames I came up with for myself or strangers. I don't think either of those will run. Will gladly accept suggestions for that too.

I am making Christmas cards this year. While I consider myself fairly crafty for a straight dude, I am screwing this up. Four days later and this ink on these cards has yet to dry. I did some research and found out that this ink is designed to NOT dry. So you can like sprinkle it with glitter or fairy dust or some other bullshit. So I bought a hair dryer at Walmart. That didn't get the job done. I need to borrow an embossing gun. This is my life. I need a moment.

I fancy myself a pretty good gift giver. I like to get people thoughtful gifts and really pride myself on my ability to do so. Not so much this year. I have no good ideas. Oh Christmas, you are a cruel mistress.

I think by the end of the day the totals will be: 50 smoked cigarettes, 1 cat punched in the face, 1 stubbed toe and/or pinched finger and/or bumped head (it just feels like one of those days), 5 Diet Pepsis, 3 screamed F words (well, just one F word screamed 3 times), and hopefully 2 eaten chocolate chip cookies (hey, they aren't all bad).

Off to rake some leaves at my parents house. Holler at me with GAFABP for tomorrow or list ideas.

More like WONday

2010-12-06T13:38:00.004-05:00

I saw Harry Potter. I don't read them, as books with 24 pt fonts make me feel stupid. It was a pretty good movie about teenaged wizards, and they always help kick off the Christmas season.

I went shopping for Christmas cards (send me your address to be added to my list). Almost all Christmas cards are painfully stupid. It was tempting to send all the girls on my list cards that say Ho Ho Ho. I realized my best option would be to just make my own. So I bought some rubber stamps and had at it. That ink gets everywhere.

I just submitted a few things to an online literary magazine. I also just punched myself for saying that. Point is, I had to write a bio for them. This is what I wrote:

[Bingo Rockefeller] is a criminally underpaid writer and somewhat fairly paid editor living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He writes a weekly advice column for the website Phillyist titled "Good Advice From a Bad Person." He is taller than he looks and will never find the perfect root beer.
I should have mentioned my tiny-headed cat. Literary magazines love cats.

The Phillies lost Jayson Werth and one of Philadelphia sport's greatest beards. But they also lost Philadelphia sport's worst soul patch, so there's that.

Here is today's addition to my Christmas Wish List. Listen up, Santa.

I can't decide if I want the stormtrooper or Vader, but both are awesome. Read about them here.

I watched Santa's Slay last night. It was easily the best Christmas horror movie ever starring Goldberg and Claire Littleton. Also the worst.

I'm getting this for my cat for Christmas.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-12-02T16:42:00.001-05:00

Today's GAFABP is about being obsessed with celebrities.

Check it out here, over at Phillyist.

Eagles score 100 points tonight. I will almost guarantee it.

Pole

2010-11-30T15:25:00.005-05:00

I have found the bottom of the world - The darkest, most terrifying corner of society. A cave full of rocks with horrible scum underneath the rocks. And since the world is round it has two bottoms (and no tops (worst gaydate ever)).

Those two bottoms, those two pits of eternal despair, those two fiery hells of idiocy and shame are YouTube comments and lyrics websites.

My impression of YouTube comments

NattyIce69 Lol funny
MillerGuy123 Lol N[word] probably don't video Lol N[word]
PoetSmartness Noway did cat do that, this is fake. fake video is fake.
8582PikachuLol! I'm forwording dis to every1 I kno!11 Lol
TwilightTwetard23321 VAMPIREES!
CaptBoobboob i luv lamp. BOrat.

And then I want to die. And everyone else to die. And the Earth to have never existed.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I know I shouldn't read them. But it does, and I do. I don't know why. It's terrifying that this exists in this world. How could love be real in world that produced this? How could any good exist simultaneously with YouTube comments?

The lyrics websites. Oh Boy.

So, I was playing Rock Band 3, and the song "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley came on. I was wondering about one of the lyrics, so I looked it up. Right under the lyrics, the comments start. mfrae says:

From Jenny Lewis on lead guitar to her absolutely incredible vocals, this is one of the greatest pop/rock songs ever recorded. Rilo Kiley is a truly underrated band who may never record another album. But this one song will should put Jenny into the rock and roll hall of fame someday.

I put it in purple, because I imagine that person thinks in purple. Really? One of the greatest songs ever recorded? And that single song will put Jenny into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame some day? And you are thinking about future Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees?

RAHHHH

People are the worst. I was going to copy and paste more but this is how they all go:

This song is about me and my ____! It's like she wrote it about me! I went through this! I am a moron! I have simple emotions that mean the world to me and you need to know about it! Thanks Jenny!

Or:

commenter1:
I listen to this song constantly, and I think about it all the time and I think this song is about [the super obvious thing this song is about and it couldn't be about something else] because [the fucking lyrics are exactly what this song is about]

commenter2:
Actually I think this song is about [the exact same thing you said, but somehow I'm too stupid to realize we are saying the same thing] like, totally, like [more painfully obvious lyrics without any imagery, metaphors or potential second meanings that could possibly be construed any other way]

Or:

[ I have no idea what I am talking about but I took English in high school so I am using words I learned there and trying to put something there that isn't there and this song is about] society's take on [some buzz word or concept] and how we, as people deal with [it doesn't matter what I say here, I still think I'm smart] post[just kill me] and schism.

So, there you have it. The two places of the internet that make me want to pull a Falling Down on everyone and everything.

What grinds your gears?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

2010-11-29T13:37:00.004-05:00

I went to a wedding this weekend. I got dressed up and got my date dressed up and we matched kinda because I'm classy n shit.

It was a nice wedding, it was a retirement party for one of my all-time shenanigans cohorts. Oh, the times we had and should have gotten in trouble for. Goodnight sweet prince.

Sometimes I feel like this. Especially on airplanes and at baseball games.

It's so Christmas. That means presents. Usually I am quite good at getting presents for people. I love getting good presents for people. This year, total present block. None ideas. For anyone. It's bizarre and frustrating. I don't even know what I want for my self. DAMN THIS CHRISTMAS BLOCK!

My blog overlords at Phillyist have requested some sort of countdown to 2011 or top ten list for 2010 or something. I should do a few. Any suggestions?

So what are you all asking for from Santa?

Christmas wishlist item of the day:

BEAR CHAIR!

Bears

2010-11-26T12:00:00.004-05:00

I just came to my blog and there was a bear living in it.

Because I haven't been here in a while. Get it?

So today is the day after Thanksgiving, aka CHRISTMAS. I love Christmas, and it is finally ok to be wicked excited about it.

But first, here is a list of things I am thankful for:

Comments on my blog
The Misfits
Camel Lights errr Blues. I was going to do one of those fancy strikethroughs for that, because I always think that's funny, but I couldn't figure it out in 15 seconds, so I didn't do it.
Breakfast especially going out to breakfast. And double carbs. "I'm carbo loading for the big race" I make that joke every time. The waitress never laughs.
The Phillies always and forever. xoxo <3
The Eagles because they are wicked good right now. Haha U Mad. Go Vick.
The Flyers I love this Flyers team. I love the defensemen who are descendants of Thor and the wunderkind Giroux(clap) and the Chase Utley of Hockey, Mike Richards.
Tattoos I am so getting a new one soon. Would it be weird to get a Christmas tattoo? Yes. But I love Christmas that much. But I won't.
Inexpensive Ikea Computer Chairs because my cat has destroyed this one. Her new move: dangling off the back like an action star. She just hangs off the back with her back feet dangling. Ummm ok cat. Thanks?
Cat! She destroys everything and poops in a box in my house, but she's pretty awesome.
No Pants Work Day I am thankful I work from home. For now, it's working and bosses can suck it. But I might get a have-to-wear-pants job soon. Maybe.
My Family I could have an entire blog dedicated to their shenanigans. Instead, just know that they are awesome and bizarre and I love them.
Donuts
Cheesesteaks
The Internet
Good Books
Christmas I love everything about this holiday, including some of the shitty stuff, like shopping. I love shopping, I love the mall near Christmas. I'm the worst.
Everyone Who Puts Up With My Jackassery Thanks!

How about you guys? What are you thankful for?

Your scene is dead.

2010-11-23T10:32:00.001-05:00

Haters Gonna Hate

2010-11-22T15:04:00.002-05:00

I wrote a column about the Eagles game that happened last night. Here it is.

But it's a preview so it's kind of obsolete now. Read it anyhow.

Thursday

2010-11-18T18:52:00.001-05:00

Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist. This one featuring Mom.

QB Eagles

2010-11-16T10:26:00.004-05:00

Lolredskins. Haha. That was a good game.

THIS. x6

She likes primary colors.

This is my cat. I told her to do her impression of a creepy worm for that picture. She obliged.

She and I had a meeting.

My agenda: No more toe biting at 7 A.M.

Her agenda: double lunch

We are at an impasse.

Ha take that docile cat! Merry Christmas docile cat! (not my cat)

In case you forgot, I am still looking to GET PAID. So if you want to PAY ME, do it already. Boo ya.

I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend. It's going to be one of those pizza bachelor parties, not one of those stripper ones. But I'm ok with that, because pizza>strippers.

Holy crap 50$ does not get you much at Whole Foods, except murderlust. I always forget just how bad it is in there. I know you people have been to other grocery stores, why do you forget how to function as a human when you are around muesli?

Uh Oh

2010-11-12T16:58:00.002-05:00

It's bad that I love this song, right? It's just so happy! Also, it doesn't hurt that I want to date 5/6th of the back up singers (the girls).

I think this whole I HATE HIPSTERS vs. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIPSTERS vs. Meh is going to come to a head. Or just totally fizzle out like everything else ever.

I want a new tattoo.

Oh crap, that song reminds me, next playlist (besides all the other next playlists): guilty pleasures. I swear I tried to make a playlist the other day but grooveshark was all like "fuck you" and I was all like "Psssh, I don't wanna anyway." But I did wanna because you guys need one. Because you have terrible taste in music.

Here is a list of things I have been enjoying lately:

The League - FX tv show that is way funnier than I expected it to be.
Sons of Anarchy - I know, it looks dumb. Actually it kind of is dumb, but I love it.
Colder Weather - boo ya hoodies and flannel and knit caps
Mopo - Mopo is a cat.
Rice - Where you been hiding all my life super globally popular grain?
I'd Rather Die Than - this phrase is always hilarious to me
Rock Band 3 I had a sworn allegiance to Guitar Hero for a long time, but I am nerding out on the Rock Band keyboard. Ugh.

What Jail is Like

2010-11-12T12:30:00.001-05:00

Friend: I had a dream you were in jail.

Me: What for?

Friend: I feel like it had something to do with baseball, football, or video games. I went looking for you and found out you were in jail.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-11-11T16:22:00.001-05:00

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person up over at Phillyist.

It's about nightmares. It's pretty boring.

Sorry.

Write

2010-11-10T13:46:00.003-05:00

Is it Wednesday? Why is this week confusing me so much. I'll blame daylight savings.

I am getting wicked excited about the Christmas season. Christmas songs, Christmas commercials, Christmas candy. It's on. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, this is bad.
I love the Christmas gift guides online. I don't know why. I get way too excited for those.

I should make up a Christmas wish list. I'll make a Dear Santa post soon. Word is bond.

KO!

I miss the Phillies. The Flyers are being pretty awesome though, I just wish they played more. Last night there were no sports on. None. What's up with that? Dumb.

I am officially looking to take my writing to the next level. The level that includes financial compensation. Tips? Advice?

Also I've been thinking about moving lately. Just for the excitement. Also for a parking spot.

My cat is bad.

Rodeo

2010-11-08T13:26:00.003-05:00

Another weekend in the books.

Holy crap, it's November?

File under: Bad stuff my cat does (Oh yeah, I have a cat now)

My five pound cat somehow managed to pull down my trash can and toss the contents. I am not quite sure how. I am impressed. She continually does things that boggle my mind when I am not looking. Hey tiny cat, how did you carry an entire bag of candy corn clear across the apartment and into your nest of dirty clothes and trash you have made in my bedroom? Hey tiny cat, what the hell was that super loud noise?

In an exciting turn of events, my cat looks exactly like this cat:

Which is pretty exciting. That's obviously a good cat to look like.

Apples to Apples always makes me laugh, sometimes by myself. I somehow managed to not win on Anne Frank OR Rosie O'Donnell though, tough crowd.

I got lectured on not recycling. I want to move. I need someone to pay me for writing. Maybe I'll find a rich guy and write funny messages for him. That sounds too romantic.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-11-04T16:25:00.002-04:00

You know the drill.

It's Thursday, get some Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This week I tackle SAD and winter activities. Enjoy!

Halloweekend Rodeo Roundup

2010-11-03T15:53:00.003-04:00

This was the best part of Halloween. The sound quality on this video is terrible for some reason. It sounded great there. The show was perfect, everyone there, despite being 25-45, was 16 for the night. Including the band. Ted's impression of Danzig was so spot-on. I have never seen so many 35 year old stage divers.

Other than that, I was a lumberjack for Halloween, as I like costumes that require little effort and deliver maximum punch. It went over well.

Some stupid baseball teams played each other or something, I don't remember.

Send me some Good Advice From a Bad Persons for tomorrow, please. C'mon I know you want to be immortalized on that super popular Phillyist website.

Oh and then last night a bunch of people voted and talked about it on facebook. Way to go voters! I'm so proud you did something that takes four minutes. It's like a starbucks trip, except free and there was probably a shorter line.

Got a couple playlists in the works too.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-10-28T16:55:00.001-04:00

As usual, here's my Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This one is about ear germs, talking on the phone and being a bitter old man. Enjoy!

Hollywood Babylon

2010-10-28T12:29:00.004-04:00

So when I went to save this picture off the internet, I found out it was called "Trystan-mourning." Wow that's the worst name ever, Trystan, and it's probably not even real. Way to go.

So that's been me for the past week, except real and not just some goth douchebag girl(?) in a photoshoot. But I am wearing my black veil.

This Tuesday was a big (expensive) nerd day for me. Best Buy owned me.

First up, Venture Brothers Season Four (part 1) came out. C'mon VB, part one? WTcrap.

At least Dean Venture can help soothe my Cole Hamels addiction.

Dean Venture or drawing of Cole Hamels. YOU DECIDE

Also, Star Wars the Force Unleashed II came out. AKA finally a Star Wars game where you can be an awesome Jedi and choke, throw, lightning, decapitate everyone and everything II. I bought this game about six o'clock Tuesday, I beat this game about one AM last night, TOO SHORT. I want more people to decapitate! I want to lightsaber more Rancors! Ugh you're too short, but oh so awesome.

Finally, Rock Band 3 came out. Typically, I am a Guitar Hero kind of guy, as Rock Band seems like it is for douchebags (see Rock Band: Beatles & Rock Band: Green Day). BUT HOLY CRAP REAL GUITAR. I didn't get the guitar, just the keyboard. Shhhh, I know.

Also, tonight. TV Casualty (Ted Leo, Atom, others) cover Misfits songs all night. HOORAY. That is going to be awesome.

GAFABP later.

Goodnight Sweet Princes

2010-10-25T14:15:00.003-04:00

Say it ain't so.

Mercy. Mercy.

Wow, that was an awful weekend.

My feelings on the Phillies are documented over at Phillyist.

So, check that out.

In other news. Ummm. There's other news? Nevermind.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-10-21T16:18:00.002-04:00

Thursday! Four PM!

You should know this by now.

A Halloween advice column by me is up over at Phillyist.

If you're gonna scream, scream with me.

2010-10-18T17:09:00.004-04:00

Halloween is coming up, maybe I'll actually wear a costume this year instead of just wearing my sweater that vaguely resembles Freddy Krueger's. I was going to be a Chilean Miner, so I wouldn't have to shave my beard, but I bet that is going to be super played by then.

Chomp chomp chomp chomp. That's what the pipe noise always sounded like to me.

Public Advisory: NO ONE BE ANYONE FROM JERSEY SHORE (Macaroni Rascals) FOR HALLOWEEN. Thank you.

Here is an article Gavin McInnes surely volunteered. I think it's crap. For one, who is his audience? No one calls themselves a hipster. Me-someone who makes fun of hipsters? Um, You Chose...Poorly! Also, bonus me-giving-him-shit in the comments on the article. But hey, maybe you'll like it.

This continues to make me laugh. I have no idea why. I am truley sorry for your lots.

My friend keeps me updated on the internet.

The Phillies. ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Carlos Ruiz: My nickname is Chooch.

Ok homework:

Halloween costume ideas, GAFABPs (really, do this. It will be on like a super popular website, and then maybe I'll be famous and you can have that feather for your cap), playlist requests

Also this:

Phillyist

2010-10-14T16:29:00.002-04:00

A GAFABP I am particularily fond of is up over at Phillyist.

The editor kinda edited the shit out of it, and said I "went off the rails a little" during my "side rant" and that it needed to be "reigned in." Meh, I liked it better before.

Either way, I like it.

Playlist

2010-10-11T12:51:00.002-04:00

If there's one thing in this world that I love, it's the Philadelphia Phillies.

During a baseball game, as a player comes to bat, a song of his choosing plays. Here are the songs that I would choose for the current crop of Fightin' Phils.

Lookin' good, P

1. Jimmy Rollins: Ridin' - Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone
Leading Off, Jimothy Rollins. I chose this song for young master Rollins for a few reasons. First, catchers are always trying to catch Jimmy ridin' dirty (stealing bases). Those catchers are ALWAYS hatin' and patrolin', but lucky for Jimothy, and us, they are rarely successful in their efforts. Also there is a certain corniness about both Chamillionaire and J-Roll, but the best part, is that they know it's corny, and are in on the joke. They know they're corny, right?
2. Placido Polanco: Kensington Line - Big Head Todd and The Monsters OK, I knew there was a band called Big Head Todd and the Monsters, so I searched for them. The first song that came up was a song named after a neighborhood in Philadelphia. I had to use that, right? Sorry if the song blows.
3. Chase Utley: Stray Cat Strut - Stray Cats Chase Utley is as near to human perfection as we'll witness on this Earth. Due to that, I'll never let him live down that magazine cover with his wife and a bunch of cats. Also something something slicked back hair.
4. Ryan Howard: Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac) - Outkast With a lot more cred than Chamillionaire, but not enough cred that white people don't love them, I thought Outkast was perfect for "The Big Piece." Also, this one is an obvious nod to Howard's natural talents toward Sarge's "Cadillac time."
5. Jayson Werth: Loco en el Coco - Cypress Hill This one is too perfect to explain why.
6. Raul Ibanez: Evenflow - Pearl Jam I read somewhere that Raul Ibanez loved Pearl Jam. I was googling that just now and found that that Raul does indeed love Pearl Jam, and used to actually come out to their songs. So this one is pretty accurate? Also, as reported on another site, I once saw Raul Ibanez at a bar, he was very nice and wore a man purse.
7. Shane Victorino: If You're Gonna be Dumb (You Gotta be Tough) - Smut Peddlers Some say that baseball is the most cerebral sport, with some players getting by merely on their mental acuity and knowledge of the game. Shane Victorino is not one of those players.
8. Carlos Ruiz: Turn My Swag On - Soulja Boy (Tell Em) This is Chooch's own choice for entrance music, that is too incredible to change. I know Chooch looks in the mirror and says "What's up?" I love that man.
9. Roy Halladay: O Fortuna - Carl Orff I imagine that this is the song that is always playing in Roy's mind. At least, it's always playing in my mind when I think of Roy, which is often. Did you know that Roy Halladay is actually left-handed? Or that he once spent time on the DL in the minors when his arm turned to solid gold? Or that the script for The Natural was adapted from a book report he did in the third grade on Little League Baseball Guide to Correcting the 25 Most Common Mistakes: Recognizing and Repairing the Mistakes Young Players Make? Ralph Nader's original focus of Unsafe at Any Speed was a treatise on Halladay's fastball? Or that Roy Halladay's fastball is actually his changeup and his changeup is a double changeup? Or that his unborn son was drafted with the first overall pick by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 2002 MLB draft? Once, while still with Toronto, at a start in Yankee stadium, one of Halladay's cutters sent Yankee coach Don Zimmer into cardiac arrest. While gasping his last breaths on this Earth, Zimmer saw Halladay's next pitch. Roy twirled a changeup of such transcendent beauty, that the pitch inspired Zimmer to live, as he now knew that both God and Love were real and alive in that young pitcher's sinewy and majestic right arm. All of these things are true and real.

There you have it folks. Go Phils!

Phillyist

2010-10-07T16:14:00.001-04:00

Well, this is my 100th post. I was going to write a bunch of crap to celebrate the occasion, but my blog-neglect continues. Instead this is merely a link to my latest Phillyist article.

I got some things in the pipeline, including some awesome playlists.

Please, gimme some more GAFABPs, I need em.

Also, if you see one of the GAFABPs I've already run on here up over there, don't blow up my spot. Shhhhh.

We'll have a 101st post extravaganza.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

2010-10-04T12:11:00.006-04:00

Rainbows mean something now, Bible cartoon drawer.

Blah blah rain flood joke haha amirite? ha!

No but really, that was stupid.

Also the Phillies finished the regular season with the best record in baseball. That's pretty dope. You can imagine how happy this made me, considering I love the Phillies more than any person I've ever met in my life.

I made the important life decision that the new Guitar Hero was a good way to spend 100$ and most of my free time for the foreseeable. I think it was a wise decision.

Lookin good, 'be.

At one point, I was a pretty heroic video-game guitar player. I realized that I was good enough that onlookers might think "oh hey, he's pretty good at that, neat." Had I continued down my hero's-quest-journey, I would have gotten to the point that people would think "oh hey, he's really good at that game. Ew." We'll see how this goes.

FYI, my August water bill was twice as much as normal. You know, #incaseyouwerewondering.

As always, keep the playlists and GAFABPs rolling. I know I've been slacking on here, but I think I can blame you for that. Overheard this weekend, by me, to me (wait, that doesn't count as overheard, does it?): "So you're the Bad Person?"

Boo ya! Infamy is mine!

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-09-30T16:22:00.003-04:00

It's Thursday at four, that means Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

Check it before you wreck it.

Maybe I'll see you jerks at the party tonight, I'll be the handsome one.

Alchemy

2010-09-29T15:33:00.003-04:00

First up, everyone should go to this awesome shit tomorrow.
It's Phillyist's relaunch party, and it has a great theme and really, really good prizes. Plus it is at a really good bar. WHAT COULD BE BETTER. No question mark needed. Because it was rhetorical. And the answer is nothing.

I've been watching the second season of Fringe. It came out on DVD recently, and I kinda love it. Sure, it's baby X-Files, but hey, X-Files! PS X-Files is my favorite TV show of all time, not counting my other favorite TV shows of all time (Futurama, Friday Night Lights, Venture Brothers).

Science!

The Jersey Shore is known as "Macaroni Rascals" in Japan. Thank you Japan.

I really wish I hated Loveless by My Bloody Valentine, but I can't, because it's near perfect.

New tattoo imminent.

I want to go home.

Supercollider

2010-09-24T14:36:00.004-04:00

Dear Tony,

I hate my boss. I know everyone hates their boss. All bosses suck, But, I REALLY HATE MY BOSS! I have daydreams about killing him and desicrating his body. He is utterly incompetent. As my direct supervisor I feel he should at least understand and be able to perform the same job duties I do, but he can barely tie his own shoe. I need a solution. I can not go over his head and complain, because that is just plain pathetic. What I am looking for is not exactly advice, but more like corporate sabotage ideas. How can I make his life as miserable as he makes mine? We work in the same office so I need to be super stealth ninja.

Thanks,

I Dream of Burning your Eyeballs Out with a Butane Torch

Hey! IDOBYEOWABT!

It's been a while, how have you been? Why don't any of my readers make their acronyms into words. I know you can. You can be clever, it's ok.

Bosses are the pits, that's why I don't have one. You should do this also. Lose the boss. But, since you probably aren't as skilled and ambitious as I am, you will always have a boss. Have you tried passing the buck? Do what he does--just delegate down, and blame your underlings. You DO have underlings, right? Everyone needs underlings.

But, for his transgressions, your velcro-shod boss needs his comeuppance. There are always the work related things, like sending your worst customers his way, you could do. This is a good place to start. You want him to be constantly stressed and frustrated. Also, one day at work, when you are leaving, unplug all the phones. How fun would that be? He misses every call for a few hours until he realizes what you did. His higher ups, demanding customers, employees calling out--he'll miss all these calls. Plus, you could totally blame the cleaning crew for that.

Second, take it home. Turn his out-of-work life into hell. Once he's all frustrated from your terrible customers and the phone snafu, he'll be dying to get some relaxation and love and support from his family. But he wont, because of you. These are my favorite things to do to ruin families:

-Send him pizzas. This is a very rudimentary trick, but the idea of sending someone an unwanted pizza is hilarious to me.
-Sign him up for every filthy catalog ever. Every sex toy, lingerie or mail order bride catalog should come to his house. His mailbox should be full of smutty offerings daily. You can go to their websites and sign anyone up. Possibly give him an embarrassing and dirty nick name. This will make his wife hate him.
-This is the best thing to do to someone you hate, use it wisely, it's a big one. The joys of craigslist are known by many--you can find a job, apartment, girlfriend, smelly couch--anything you want. Now you can also use it to ruin your boss's life. Navigate your way to the M4M casual encounters section. Find a picture on the internet that would appeal to someone cruising the M4M casual encounters section. Post his ad. His ad will be soliciting phone sex. Make sure you mention that you "don't have anytime for games" and that you want "hot studs to be ready to go as soon as I answer." Post the picture, post the ad, post his phone number. Home and work. Put it in as many cities as you can. Re post it. This will ruin his life and he will probably have to change his phone number and maybe get divorced. You win! That's what he gets for slightly annoying you.

I have some really good playlists in the works. Any ideas?

This weekend should be awesome. Although, it's my college's five year reunion. I am SO OLD. I don't think I'm going to that. "Blogger" just doesn't impress at reunions the way it should.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

2010-09-23T17:35:00.003-04:00

It's Thursday and that means Phillyist ran another Good Advice From a Bad Person.

This one gets a little weird.

Sorry about that, cough medicine is a hell of a drug.

I know I've been neglecting you, but soon I'll regale you with tales of triumph and tragedy, peeing in bushes, playlists and lessons and life. Or something else.

Another Phillyist Sports Post

2010-09-22T14:55:00.004-04:00

Another post of mine just went up over at Phillyist. It's a debate on Michael Vick v. Kevin "poop my pants" Kolb.

If you're into that sort of thing you might want to mosey on over there and check it out.

Also, gimme some GAFABPs for Phillyist this week!

Also, I hope you're enjoying this weather, I sure am (not, because I'm indoors way too much).

Bat Skeleton

2010-09-21T13:30:00.004-04:00

"We count the days and the months and the years
When we could be counting the words and the thoughts and the ideas

So we're not all the same sum.
So we're measured correctly.

So the heighth and depth and breadth of it -

tell a tale of lives lived and not spent.

Tell a tale of lives lived and not spent. "

So blogger/spot was down yesterday, putting off this post where I am just going to throw a bunch of stuff at you because I think it has been all GAFABPs and Playlists lately.
So here's a bat skeleton.

Boo!

Pretty creepy. I was shocked how much bat skeletons look like human skeletons, and how creepy the wing structure is, like long devil fingers. I love it!

I am enjoying this seasonal change. I love fall, it's my favorite season. I've always had this romantic notion toward this season, but I don't know why. It's been around as long as I've been having romantic notions. I have romantic memories of things that never happened; hot chocolate and campfires, and hands in hands in coat pockets. Maybe this year.

Also Halloween is fast approaching, I'm taking advice on what my costume should be.

You guys need to get more involved, ooooh get me a GAFABP for Thursday's Phillyist. Try to make it about Philly. I am also working on another game for you guys, but I don't know if you'll get involved enough for it. Lazy bones.

Xpost

2010-09-16T17:41:00.003-04:00

It's Thursday, that means Phillyist is running another one of my Good Advice From a Bad Person columns.

Go there to check it out!

Playlists

2010-09-15T14:52:00.003-04:00

About due, wouldn't you say?

Use this one wisely, it could be dangerous.

A while back I made you a playlist to score some pretty hipster girls, now use this bad boy for a sexy hipster makeout sesh. You're welcome.

Yeah, yeah.

1. Glory Box - Portishead Starting this one off right. This is such a sexy song with it's mellow beat and smoky, tortured female vocals. This will work.
2. NYC - Interpol This whole album is perfect dim-light music. Dim lights are good for making out.
3. Svefn - G - Englar - Sigur Ros I know he's not really saying this, but the part when it sounds like he's singing "it's youuuuuuu" gets me every time.
4. Wear You Out - TV On The Radio I could probably find a TV on the Radio song for every list, but this album is nearly perfect and this is one sexy song.
5. When You Sleep - My Bloody Valentine Is it poor form to add a song from an album called Loveless? I don't care, this gets the job done.
6. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs I love this song way too much. And all these romantic-type weepy songs are probably making me look like a pussy. WANT TO ARM WRESTLE? Didn't think so. Back to the Shmaltz.
7. I'm Afraid of Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe - Murder by Death I'm a sucker for non-traditional rock instrumentation.
8. 6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps I think we're detecting a theme here. I also was advised against including Garbage.
9. The Prowl - Dan Auerbach Dirty, sexy and bluesy - plus it's called The Prowl.
10. Fade into You - Mazzy Star I couldn't resist. If you actually listen to the words, this song is really creepy and depressing. So don't.
11. Candy - Morphine That sax just works. Plus change one letter and sax is sex!
12. Rhinelander - Cougar Sometimes words just get in the way.
13. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I want - The Smiths I know, I know. But I couldn't help myself. Moz just knows!
14. Criminal - Fiona Apple Just play the whole album. Seriously. Especially if you are making out with me.

There it is, second base guaranteed or your money back.

We all got it coming, kid.

2010-09-14T14:19:00.003-04:00

Sometimes at night I wake up and need to write something down. I keep a little notebook next to my bed and write down whatever fever dream is compelling me to document itself. Sometimes I'll write in the dark, with words overlapping, I'll write twice on the same page.

Earlier this week:

"Writing about myself is symptomatic of my anachronistic confidence and post-modern lack of modesty.

Maybe it's all just defiance. Maybe I'm rebelling against the egalitarian, social-socialism of the times. Maybe I can't stand the zeitgeist of gladness and revering the parity of everything. If I lived in a time of winners and losers, which I surely do not, would I push for the participant ribbons and yearn for special-olympian treatment for all? The confidence in me insists I wouldn't.

I will crash and cry but I will not crawl and cringe. Give me your sincerity and keep your approval. I don't need, want or ask for it. If you want mine, you're already out of luck."

"These are strays. These are dogs who have lost their way home when the rains came."

Ummmm, yeah. I guess 3AM is an intense time for me. I spared you most of it.

I guess I felt like I should put something on here, document something, with a little soul for once. It can't all be good advice and playlists, right?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

2010-09-13T14:19:00.005-04:00

A weekend happened.

The Phillies left first, and now they're back again, and I am super stoked. I love the Phillies more than 99% of things in this world.

Also, the Eagles had their first game. It was a dog fight (pun half intended) and everyone got hurt/brain exploded. There was something a little magical about seeing an Eagles quarterback scramble and improvise and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN that reminded me of a certain QB EAGLES

Unlike EVERYONE ELSE EVER, I will spare you the travails and triumphs of my fantasy teams because NO ONE CARES AT ALL.

This weather couldn't be more perfect. Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I think it says a lot about people that they get so excited about the warmth in the spring, but don't appreciate the lingering warmth of fall. Fall is the best.

Can't Wait!

Hey, give me some ideas for a playlist, I feel like I haven't made one in a while, and I'd like to.

Phillyist!

2010-09-09T16:35:00.003-04:00

The day is here my pretties.

My first Good Advice from a Bad Person is up over at Phillyist.

It's good to be me. The Phillies are in first place, I met Raul Ibanez last night and I count this as syndication.

Keep writing me awesome GAFABPs, and we can get them up over there where way more people will see the problems plaguing your lives!

Taste Lesson

2010-09-08T16:31:00.005-04:00

Woah, long weekend. Sorry chumps.

By that I mean I worked all weekend and used the holiday as an excuse to neglect you, my little babies.

Dear Tony,

I have been taking Colloidal Silver for years now. It helps my body battle various one-celled bacteria fungi and other microorganisms. The occasional use has now developed into a full blown obsession. I mean I can't get enough of this stuff. The problem is, there is an odd side effect that I've noticed. My skin now has a bluish tint to it. I've looked into this and found out that I have Argyria, which is the grayish-bluish pigmentation of the whole body. So now I walk around with my Smurf-like skin with no help in site. Help me Tony...you're my only hope.

-Browne

Bam! A GAFABP out of no where, I keep you on your toes readers.

Well Browne (more like Bluee, amirite?!),

You sure are a crazy old man. I know that homespun health treatments based on conspiracy theories are always a good idea, and putting strange chemicals into your body seems flawless, but you've been burned.

Going back to taking a wacky cure-all tonic, snake-oil elixir from the early 20th century might seem like a great idea, but this one might not be your best bet. I haven't done any research on this, beyond thinking "Is it a good idea to put a solution of metal in my body that has been proven over and over to provide no benefit? No." But I do know that silver used to be used in photography. This is why you turned blue! You're like a giant underdeveloped picture! That's really funny to me. You turned blue! I love that. I think it is an appropriate punishment for stupidity to have your skin change colors.

You deserved it.

I guess I don't really have any advice here, beyond STOP BEING A CRAZY OLD MAN.

Thanks for writing!

Tony

Bam. Thanks for writing old man, hope you suckers enjoyed that GAFABP. Exciting news: you'll be getting another tomorrow, but not here!

Also these are awesome, feel free to buy them for me:

Buy me all three!

Read about them here.

Also if these taste half as good as they look, I want to eat 1,000 of them.

X-post

2010-09-03T14:33:00.003-04:00

New sports (but this time more awesome) post by me up at Phillyist right now.

Get some!

GAFABP

2010-09-03T12:57:00.005-04:00

Get Some! Advice, that is.

Also, to address some accusations, all of these letters are written by my readers. I have not written a single letter to myself. About this. These are all real! Or at least faked by other people.

Dear Tony,

I am a 37 year-old man semi-dating a 25 year-old girl; I say semi-dating because we are not exclusive in any way, we already had that talk, and I do not have the time to make that kind of commitment. I love spending time with her and even though she has romantic feelings for me, they are not mutual. She is a really sweet girl, kind, beautiful, and warm; I just don't have those feelings for her even though she is awesome as my friend. This is where it gets a little sticky; we are having lots of dirty awesome sex [by dirty I mean super super hot, not herpes/syphilis/gonorrhea soaked sex]. I think she still has feelings for me and expects me to be developing feelings for her; I'm just in it for the awesome sex! So here is my dilemma, eventually, she will want to have another talk about her stupid feelings, how do I let her down easy round 2 while still keeping the sex on the table? [And yeah we totally did it on the table...twice!]

-I Just Wanna Bang

IJWB,

Ok, first off, this letter makes me uncomfortable. It does not make me uncomfortable because it is about sex, it makes me uncomfortable because it is about ugly people having sex. Don't deny it, I can tell. First, ninety percent of 37 year-old men are ugly, it's an ugly time. Second, you're single. Third, you talk about sex, act like you've been there before, ya know? And finally, you're dating a 25 year-old. If you are ok with dating younger women, and you weren't ugly, you'd be dating a 21 year-old. Instead you settled for the past-her-prime, probably fat, desperate biological clocked girl. She's obviously ugly because she's dating you. Also you guys probably like nu metal.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way - the advice. First, stop being so gross. Really, you're creeping me out. Stop talking about sex. Second, quit acting so hard. I bet if this girl snapped out of her desperate haze and dumped you, you'd weep like a baby. I've seen it before.

If you really want advice on how to keep it as a fundamentally sex-only relationship without commitment, here's my advice to you. Just commit to her and bang other chicks. It won't be that much more work, and you can just cheat on her. You seem to be fairly unscrupulous anyway, so this shouldn't be a problem for you. She really won't catch on. If she's stupid enough to be in a sex-only relationship with an ugly 37 year-old, she's stupid enough to not catch on. Also, even if she does catch on, she will believe your lies about it and live in denial for at least a few months. Fair warning though - she will gain weight, become way more annoying and probably nag you when you do "commit" to her.

Also, really, gross.

Keep the dream alive,

Tony

P.S. Chillllll with the semicolons already.

Big Time.

2010-09-02T15:53:00.002-04:00

My first post just went live over at Phillyist.

Check it out!

I know it's a boring sports piece, but hey, Shakespeare's got to get paid.

I've been sitting on a few GAFABPs, so expect those in your near future. I'm also planning a life and times of Nyjer Morgan opus.

News.

2010-09-01T09:47:00.003-04:00

Phillyist returns today. Now with more ME!

The ALOUTRANCE HQ.

Busy Busy.

So write me GAFABPs ASAP and you might see your letter on Phillyist! How cool would that be?

In other news, I just puked.

GAFABP

2010-08-30T12:55:00.002-04:00

A GAFABP - on a Monday? Yes. Deal with it.

Dear Tony,

I am a super hot 20-something living in the city, all the men who look at me are too nervous to come and talk to me, probably because of all the hotness exuding from my pores. My question is this: what can I do to turn down all this hotness so I can get a date? I definitely didn't attach a picture to this because I do not want to date you Tony, even though I thoroughly enjoy your blog.

Love,

Super Hot Girl

Thanks for writing SHG,

To my readers: she is lying. She does want to date me.

To you, Super Hot Girl, I can offer this modest advice. First, you probably want to talk about less things "exuding from your pores" because that's gross. No one wants to think about pores or things coming out of them or any of that such stuff. Leave that alone.

Second, are you sure it is your hotness that is deflecting potential suitors? Are you sure you aren't ugly? That might be it. You very well could be ugly. Nothing is worse than a girl who thinks she's hotter than she is. I developed a formula for this.

Hp-H=T or, Self-Perceived hotness minus actual hotness equals how much Tony is going to want to hit on you. Your score here should be negative for best results. Nothing is better than a girl who is hotter than she thinks she is. This is where dudes can get some real value. Any girl with a score of two or above in this formula is not worth your time and should be ignored and belittled until their perceived hotness drops to acceptable levels.

If this isn't the case, and you are actually super hot, then enjoy it. There are so few of us. Just keep being hot, someone will man up and date you - I promise.

I hope this helps,

Tony

Playlists

2010-08-27T14:15:00.003-04:00

Today's playlist is simple enough - cover songs better than the originals. I'm going to try to leave out the obvious ones, and the ones that have no business being on this list. As always, I'm going to make a playlist of songs that I would want to listen to.

Get it! Pennsylvania!

1. I Don't Wanna Grow Up - The Ramones This is what a cover should be, it shows what is great about both bands. Tom Waits' world class songwriting translates to ANY band, and the Ramones' pop-infused punk handles it so well.
2. Under my Thumb - Social Distortion Great song, great cover. The cover brings something new to the table, while still delivering on the original's promise. Take that, girl!
3. Kick Out the Jams - Bad Brains This one is violating the playlist a little, it is not better than the original, because I don't know if any song is. But! I couldn't resist putting Bad Brains WITH Henry Rollins covering the greatest song of all time on the list. Apologies to American Nightmare and Rage Against the Machine (whose version is very disappointing).
4. Tears of a Clown - The Beat I love this version of Smokey Robinson's classic because it takes it in a completely different direction, but somehow still manages to pull off the sentiment.
5. Mr. Grieves - TV on the Radio An a capella version of a Pixies song by one of today's most talented bands.
6. Pink Houses - Avail I had to. This song means a lot to me.
7. 99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger Is this a guilty pleasure? I don't care, this is a great song.
8. Ain't no Sunshine - Wovenhand The man behind 16 Horsepower takes one of my favorite songs of all time and makes it spooky and tidal.
9. Easy - Faith No More This one is a little obvious, but Mike Patton destroying Lionel Richie deserves a spot on my list.
10. Lights Out - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones The Bosstones covering the Angry Samoans classic about poking your eyes out.
11. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage I enjoy this song too much.
12. Like a Prayer - H2O I added this if only for my memories of dudes in basketball jersey circle pitting and singing along to Madonna.
13. Chesterfield King - Face to Face I love their whole covers album (Standards and Practices), but this is my favorite, and the one they execute best.

GAFABP

2010-08-25T13:40:00.007-04:00

Back in the saddle! Also have some exciting news for you fools, stay tuned.

Good Advice from a Bad Person! Hooray!

Dear Tony,

Often times at work I have to deal with old, crotchety people on the phone who are dealing with computer issues. 98% of the time, these issues are due to their own incompetence. How would you recommend telling these self-centered geriatrics to go fuck themselves without saying something that would get me fired? Also, I have a voice that makes me sound like kind of a dick...and I tend to tear people down who are even slightly wrong...and I don't like anybody. Help?

Kisses,

Whisper-screaming "Fuck" Loudly When I Hang Up Every Phone Call

Well W-S"F"LWIHUEPC,

If your letter taught me one thing - it's that my readers have a common enemy - the olds. Olds continue to be a blight on my readership, frustrating and terrorizing the gentlefolk who love my blog.

All of my old advice (smiling and nodding, taking comfort in their impending deaths) still applies.

But, I can't leave it at that. You need some personalized, special advice. First off, your voice should make you sound like a dick. This is ok. This is probably because you are better than most people you talk to, and your subtle inflection and diction should convey this. Don't stop. Don't you ever stop.

Tearing people down who are even slightly wrong is a good thing. You are an advanced student already. People who are wrong need to know it, tearing them down works, as does belittling them and simply chortling so they draw their own conclusions about their personal ineptitude.

You don't like anybody? Join the club! Anybody sucks.

On to the advice. Since you're not smart and/or skilled enough to not have a job where you have to talk olds through the nuances of double-clicking vs. single-clicking, quitting would seem to be out. What you have to remember is that old people are easily confused and misdirected. You could probably tell most of them to go fuck themselves without getting in trouble as long as you immediately change the subject to something old friendly. I suggest bananas or coupons.

An example

Old: "Waaaah I'm a shitty old crone and it's your fault I can't comprehend basic functions of a machine that has been around for almost twenty years waaaah"
You: "Go fuck yourself you crotchety dustfucker"
Old: "Waaaaaah what's that? Speak up"
You: "Holy Toledo! Bananas are on special at Safeway this week, I bet you could annoy their underpaid manager into giving you a few free ones if you start to talk about your colostomy bag!"
Old: "Waaah what a great idea! Thanks for the tip! I will now offer you some disgusting candy nobody eats except shitty old people as long as you sit through some super long rambling story about things that have nothing to do with each other."
You: "Go fuck yourself"

Do all of this,

Tony

Despite being able to do this, this guy still shits his pants daily.

Playlist

2010-08-24T14:46:00.004-04:00

I'm posting up one of my favorite types of playlists, and it probably is only the first installment. The BREAK UP PLAYLIST. A very easy playlist to gather songs for, since musicians are babies who get dumped constantly and write songs about it. Now there's all sorts of break up songs; angry, sad, hopeful, different hopeful etc. We'll see how this one plays out.

Nothing to see here.

1. No Children - The Mountain Goats Let's start this one off with a bang "I hope I lie / and tell everyone you were a good wife / And I hope you die / I hope we both die"
2. Puke + Cry - Dinosaur Jr. It's called Puke + Cry, I think you get it. I love Dinosaur Jr.
3. When will you come home? - Galaxie 500 I love this band, they are great to fall asleep to. This is one of the sad break up songs.
4. Jericho RVA - Running in Circles "When it's all over we'll say we had it good / what a backwards way of saying what we mean" Excellent band, like if Avail and Hot Water Music had a baby. That reminds me!
5. Hot Water Music - The Sleeping Fan "I spent everything I had / and I gave everything I could to you / and I left myself with nothing but a burning mess" We were due for an angry one. Burning mess? Nice.
6. Exit Wounds - Tim Barry I think the title is unsubtle enough here.
7. Nights Like These - Lucero Being a drunk, warbling, pseudo-country band you better be able to write good break up songs. And Lucero is. This is probably their best.
8. Dedicate it - The Afghan Whigs This entire playlist could be Afghan Whigs songs, Dulli makes great, evil, heartbreaking break up songs, but this is probably my favorite.
9. O'Rourke's, 1:20 AM - The Good Life This is a song about how everything sucks just a little more when you are recently single. Their best break up song is definitely Inmates, but I couldn't bring myself to put a nine-minute song on this list.
10. The Martyr - Cursive Wow, this song is brutal. I needed to put a song on here about how shitty I am. "Sweet baby don't cry / Your tears are only alibis / to prove you still feel"
11. Don't Hate Me - The Get Up Kids This one is one of the positive, hopeful break up songs. Well, every break up I played this song during ended up permanent, so there's that. Plus I just love Four Minute Mile so much, I had to include it.
12. Rocks Tonic Juice Magic - Saves the Day Saves the Day and the Get up Kids are forever linked in my mind, so I had to use my favorite STD break up song. "You and I are like when fire and the ocean floor collide" was certainly a favorite AOL away message among girls I knew back in the day.
13. Nice and Blue - mewithoutyou "You were a song I couldn't sing / You were a story I couldn't tell /I've only ever loved myself / but I've loved myself so well" Their name is mewithoutyou for Christ's sake, I had to include them. I love this song

13 already? There will definitely be a part two to this one in the future. There are just too many break up songs out there. Or maybe I've just had too many break ups. Either way, you win.

Diary of a Hater

2010-08-19T16:40:00.005-04:00

Here's a quick list of reasons you look stupid.

Girls in baseball hats You aren't fooling anyone - I get it, you didn't wash your hair. It makes your tiny head look stupid and that greasy ponytail hanging out the back is gross. I don't like girls in hats, your pink Phillies hat isn't winning me over. I'll hate it even more if it's some dopey mesh hat at a jaunty angle. Gross. You have to be a special girl to be able to pull off the J-Lo hat, you probably aren't. Steer clear.

Look how dumb she looks, and she's way prettier than you.

Guys with Goatees So which is it, are you a minor league baseball player or Blockbuster employee? Because that's what you look like. You know what both of these guys have in common? They are weirdos who spend their entire lives with dudes, dudes who aren't particularly good judges of facial hair choices. You don't look like an old movie villain, prince or actor - you look like a 19 year old experimenting with his dad's razor. To be fair, a few guys can pull this off, but you probably aren't one of them.

This is actually a secret scientology signifier for 'jackass'

Obviously, chinstraps are out too. Don't be that guy. Unless you're over 40, don't grow a mustache, irony is a dead scene.

Any of these horrible T-shirts

abortion

Jesus, these shirts are terrible. First and foremost, they are heinous. These are some of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen. Second, these shirts prove to me that you love watching dudes roll around in underpants and punch each other, and that you will get VERY ANGRY that I just called you gay (if you understood my implication, that is). Tapout? Your shirt says tapout? Ok, let's see how long it takes. Just combine one of these with a chinstrap beard so I can run you over with my car. Thanks.

Nerd Rock

2010-08-18T15:10:00.005-04:00

Another playlist, lucky you. This one is for you nerds.
Again, I tried to make a playlist that I would actually want to listen to, and hopefully introduce you to some cool music you might not know. Also, best picture.

BEST.

1. Fett's Vette - MC Chris A rap about Boba Fett's hard life and fiscal plans? Yes please.
2. We are 138 - The Misfits "But Tony! The Misfits aren't nerds!" Oh really? This song is a reference to George Lucas' first film, THX 1138. Bam!
3. Bikeage - Descendents One of my favorite songs by the punk-nerd godfathers. I don't think I have to run down their nerd cred, but one look at their logo should be plenty.
4.C'Est Super - Daedelus I was lucky enough to meet "Daedelus" once, when I nerdily asked him if he was named after the mythological Daedelus, or the literary Daedelus from James Joyce, I was shocked to find out it was even nerdier than that. Apparently he is named after some giant robot from some giant robot show. Not my nerd forte, but unbelievably nerdy anyway.
5. In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 - Coheed and Cambria This song kicks of the narrative of a sweeping and embarrassingly nerdy concept album about robots and space and all sorts of geeky shit. Their first album is certainly better, but this one fits better here. Also of nerdnote, an homage to Rush's homage to scifi, 2113.
6. Holiday Song - Pixies For a band who all look like high school teachers, they made some incredible music - a victory for those of us who look the part.
7. The Temple - The Afghan Whigs A cover of a song from Jesus Christ Superstar. Yup.
8. Hold the Line - Major Lazer You need to watch the video to fully appreciate how nerdy Diplo got with this. This song/band is based on a fictional character who lost his arm in the "zombie wars" and had it replaced with a lazer gun. Bonus points in the video for action figures.
9. Punk Rock Academy - Atom and His Package THE nerd punk anthem. Bonus points for Philadelphia!
10. Guitar and Video Games - Sunny Day Real Estate I couldn't leave out an incredible and beautiful song called Guitar and Video Games
11. The Devil and Maggie Chascarillo - Lucero One of my favorite bands doing their song about Love & Rockets.
12. Thought I was - Rainer Maria Naming your band after a German poet who died almost 100 years ago is pretty nerdy.
13. Flight of Icarus - Iron Maiden Tons of their songs are nerdy, but I had to go with the one about Icarus.

You Lucky Drunks

2010-08-16T15:02:00.009-04:00

I don't drink. I have never been drunk, and no real desire to be drunk. That being said, there are some things I miss out on being the handsome teetotaler I am. I've compiled a list of the top things you lucky drunks get that I do not.

This looks fun.

Excuses "In my defense, I've been drinking." Being drunk is a surprisingly good excuse for many behaviors I personally have no justification for. Remember the time that guy went through that window? Or maybe I was hitting on an ugly girl, or maybe I threw a bunch of glasses and plates into the trash can at the end of the bar. No, I was sober, but somehow I'd be a little more off the hook had I had a few too many.

Variety You know what my choices are when I go to a bar? Soda or water. I guess I could have some iced tea if they have it, or one of the mixers they use for your infinitely customizable alcoholic beverages, but really it's soda or water. You have beer, wine, cocktails, alcohol straight - it's a buffet at even the crappiest of dive bars. Think of me next time you are trying to choose which IPA to drink and I'm stuck with watered down diet coke or diet coked up water.

The world is your oyster! Your oyster that will give you a hangover and new STD

Something else to be a snob about Wine snobs, beer snobs, booze snobs - all snobs. Somehow this snobbery goes over better than my early-90s hardcore music snobbery, or my book snobbery or my famous sci-fi trilogy snobbery. I'm trying to be a rootbeer snob, but this just doesn't have the same gravity as someone who only drinks Chilean wine or local microbrews.

Gin, Whiskey and Scotch Drinking these spirits would go so well with my carefully cultivated persona. Sipping a nice glass of Whiskey after a long day would give me so much more credibility over cracking open a Diet Pepsi or refilling my Britta.

Mutual drunken acceptance There's just something odd about the sober guy. I understand this, I find most non-drinkers off-putting. There are things I just can't do. Drunk girls think it's creepy when a sober guy talks to them. I get left out of some of the drunken, shared reverie.

Drinking games A lot of drinking games are stupid and embarrassing, but being the competitive guy I am, I'd love to be able to show off my throwing-a-ping-pong-ball-into-a-plastic-cup-half-full-of-warm-beer-and-floor-dirt skills. But you won't let me! I am not allowed to play if I am not drinking said floor-dirt beer. Alas.

Credibility I feel I just lack a certain credibility with no drinking tales or feats or preferences on my resume. No I don't know which wine will go well with your salmon, no I don't have the rite of passage puke story, no I have no idea how many beers I can drink. Also, as a fledgling writer, I am definitely lacking one of the key skillsets most great writers share - crippling alcoholism.

Privacy You guys never have to answer the question "why don't you drink, Tony?" No, I am not in recovery, no my parents aren't alcoholics, no I am not scared of becoming addicted, no I didn't have a bad experience, no I'm not some creepy religious zealot - I just don't drink.

I am glad I don't drink, and have no REAL desire to do so, but these are the reasons I am a little jealous of you who sip the spirits out there.

So, there you have it, drunks. Be glad you have these things, enjoy drinking just a little more for these reasons next time. Have one for me.

Elephant

2010-08-12T14:27:00.003-04:00

I haven't been writing this week. There's an elephant in the room I couldn't bring myself to write about, and writing about something else felt cheap.

I have a friend. I met him in elementary school where he got me into comic books and we played X-Men on the jungle gym. He loved the superheroes he read about, and I couldn't help but try to be like him and learn all I could about these super-powered characters. He was the toughest kid I knew, but in a build-a-tree-fort way, not a bully or jock way.

He grew up and put his super powers to good use. He became a Corpsman. Basically, he was a Marine Medic - a navy-trained medic attached to a Marine unit.

Last week he was injured in the line of duty. He was hurt bad. I am having trouble thinking about anything besides him, his family and his recovery.

He has accomplished something remarkable. He has become one of the heroes we read about and pretended to be so long ago. There's no more pretending, and no more games - he gave me heroes as a kid and now he is my hero. Thank you.

Super

2010-08-11T13:48:00.004-04:00

Here's a playlist that I came up with on my own. Thanks for nothing, readers.

This is the playlist of songs that make me feel awesome. This is the list of songs that play in my head at all times. Blame these for my massive ego, or blame my massive ego for constantly playing these songs in my head, either way. These songs make me feel better, they make me feel like I can do anything, they occasionally make me do bad stuff - they are the stuff that dreams are made of.

Pow!

1. Tony's Theme - Pixies "This is a song about a superhero named Tony" Pretty straightforward. To-ny To-ny To-ny.
2. My Hero - Foo Fighters This song gives me goosebumps when I picture myself in slow motion saving people from a fire or vanquishing foes set to this.
3. Hustlin' - Rick Ross Best first line of all time. This song once got me so excited in the bar I slapped my friend in the balls, just because this song was on.
4. More Human Than Human - White Zombie More human than human? That has to be a good thing, right?
5. Street Walkin' - Dan Auerbach The first few times I heard this song I thought he was saying "sheet walking." I created this old-timey saying in my head based on pirates that was "sheet-walking" - the tides are high, the wind is whipping and there you are, atop the sails and masts and crow's nest, defiant. Sheet walkin' - pretty badass right? Street walkin' is badass too, I guess.
6. The Mariner's Revenge Song - The Decemberists A nigh nine-minute pirate-themed revenge opus? Yes please.
7. Search and Destroy - Iggy & The Stooges I AM a street-walkin' cheetah with a heart full of napalm.
8. Where Eagles Dare - The Misfits "I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch" and it's named after a movie about killing Nazis. This.
9. Simple Song - Avail My favorite song of all time.
10. Through the Fire and the Flames - Dragonforce I couldn't resist.
11. Birthday - Kid Dynamite Every list like this needs some Philly sing-along posi hardcore.
12. Party Hard - Andrew WK I like to party.
13. Welcome to the Jungle - Guns N' Roses Every badass needs a badassed car, and this was my favorite car's theme song.

I feel like going out and kicking some ass now. What are your songs to get you stoked up? Feel free to go out and do some awesome shit to these songs, that's kind of the point.

Playlists

2010-08-07T14:24:00.003-04:00

Good news everyone!

!

ALL playlists now have a listenable playlist widget! Hooray! Just click on the playlist label on the right sidebar or at the bottom of this post to see all of them. Listen! Enjoy!

GAFABP

2010-08-06T15:31:00.003-04:00

Friday! BOO YA! In your face, other days.

Dear Tony,
My hands sweat a lot so I get uncomfortable when people go to shake my hand. Then I get more uncomfortable when I don't shake their hand. What should I do?

Moist-handed girl.

Thanks for writing M-HG,

First off, that's a super creepy name. If I met a hot girl and she told me her name was "Moist-handed girl" I'd probably feel bad about making out with her. Just so you know - I am writing this response with an image of a nervous, fidgety, nigh-amphibious girl in mind. So you have that going for you.

As far as your problem goes, you have a few options.

The first option, and the one I favor, is to wear a glove like that super-creep from Of Mice and Men.

Ew.

This way, you have an air of mystery and pseudosexual creepiness about you. If that's what you are going for, this is your best option.

Option two is to just not worry about it. I never notice what other people's hands feel like when I shake them. I like how I wrote that sentence, it is ambiguous if I am shaking hands or people. Just shake their hand and hope they don't notice. Or opt for a fist bump, this is what I do when I am eating or the person looks infected.

Option three, and probably my strongest option, is to stop being a nebbish wimp. Why are your hands so sweaty? Stop being scared of the world and (wo)man up. Nobody likes a nervous nelly. Take life by the horns and your hands will dry up and become little arid deserts of success.

I hope this helps,

Tony

Me and Courtney

2010-08-05T15:50:00.006-04:00

Stealing an idea/request from @ShmittenKitten

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but Courtney Love (UK) and I are dating. Here is a transcript of our sexts - and by that I mean here are some fictional responses I am making to tweets she has tweeted.

Me: Hollllllller
CL(UK): I'm so heavily anguished at the cowardice of people who love me, I'm so sad for us all I'm hari-kari girl. I'll be good w thebtruth.
Me: You don't have to be anguished, I'm cool. Don't sword yourself? Is that what you are saying? You so crazy.
CL(UK): dunno but im cackling my ass off at madge right now, i love it when she tried to piss me off,,,, my art collection is still better mama.
Me: Good too see your spirits are lifted. Your comma collection is certainly better than Madonna's
CL(UK): Just discovered yr blog awesopme! amazing!
Me: You just found it? Took you long enough. I always figured my blog was how I landed such a catch
CL(UK): Bear you are a thrillionare! geek god!
Me: Aww thanks Court, I am the Brad Pitt of Bears. You know how much I love your drug addled, nonsensical compliments
CL(UK): You look amazing!
Me: I know right! Any advice on how to stay this bearly?
CL(UK):Eat up lover - the key to a healthy mind is a healthy body - sg
Me: Thanks for the tip, but are you quoting Suicide Girls?
CL(UK): locked out am last night and now i cant make the remote work
Me: That would explain the poorly attributed quotes, I suppose.
Cl(UK): sobs. i know fucking pathetic. i think i'm about to become a mistress never a job i wanted, kinda icky
Me: Losing the remote isn't that big of a deal, and I told you that married to sea tattoo is a metaphor. You can't actually marry the sea. Are you still upset about this? what's wrong?
CL(UK): oh nothing just shattered and crying in my fucking pillow. wishing i was...Not dead just not feeling so sickened. Options? Yes
Me: Courtney, baby, I'm not married to the sea. You can't marry a body of water.
CL(UK): I'm a lifeless rag, so set me on fire. Ennui is killing my vibrant good decent soul. Pathetic meet courtney, Courtney meet pathetic "hello"
Me: Seriously, Courtney, I am not married to anyone. Chill out.
Cl(UK):what else can possibly go wrong. oh plenty. tons, you only get references for good lawyers once in strawberry moon and its killing me
Me: Strawberry moon? That's not a real thing.
CL(UK): every blue moon i take an ambien, last night i did, its vile
Me: Blue moons aren't every day, but that's a real thing at least. Are we still on for tonight?
CL(UK): no,,,, rock n roll tonight please.
Me: Stop showing off your comma collection, Madonna is not jealous. Why aren't we seeing each other? Is there another man? Are you seeing someone else? Who are you dating?
CL(UK): funny man @georgelopez xoxoxoxo
Me: Whore.

There you have it, the bitter end to my torrid Love affair. Those are all actual tweets from Courtney Love's new twitter account.