Theories

Two new theories I've come up with recently:


Daughter
In lieu of drowning her, because having a daughter would make me kill myself, I've decided to name my fair progeny Harold. No man would want to date Harold. Problem solved, baby saved.

Beard
Men should have to earn beards. You need some certified manly acts to grow this spectacular facial display of better-than-youness. Owning a fixed gear bike or animal collective LP does not earn you a beard. Having a stab wound earns you a beard. Smoking way too much weed does not earn you a beard. Winning a fight against an animal that outweighs you earns you a beard.
An inability to grow a beard obviously disqualifies you to have a beard, but it does qualify you to bemoan your horrible genetics and second class life arc. Sorry.