Weekend Rodeo Roundup

First thing on my platter today is my weekly dose of what I like to call "horrible future." Once in a while something happens which makes me realize that my days of wearing spiked shoulder pads, driving around in a modified 1980's muscle car, killing my own food, wearing a shotgun (I originally typed that as shotfun - best typo ever) at all times and never cutting my beard again aren't as far away as I thought. The end is nigh. Yesterday I went down to the delicious little ice cream stand for a summery treat. As I was standing in the way-too-long line, I couldn't help but overhear all the poor parenting, vapid gossip and braindead blah blah going on around me. But! one thing rang out like a shot, and made me shudder. A young couple behind me, probably about my age, were waiting with their rambunctious and plucky two or three year old daughter. As is par for the course anymore, the girl was running around maniacally and crashing into my legs. About ten minutes after they should have, I heard her parents trying to gently reign her in - they said "Audrina, calm down honey, you'll get your ice cream soon" ... Audrina. The kid's name is Audrina. People are naming their children after characters on MTV faux-reality shows. Get your supplies, apocalypse can't be far now.


On to your links!

Glad they finally cracked this case.

Police have finally cracked this condiment case. This crazy old woman was dumping condiments in book drops. I guess she hates books? Or she's just insane? Either way, it took police a year to catch her. She must be wily.

Baseball Gaga

After flipping off Mets fans earlier this month, Lady Gaga traipsed her curiously talented tranny ass into the Yankee's locker room after a loss last week. I bet this was A-Rod's doing, his "fling" with Madonna last year proved his penchant for annoying pop starlets who look like dudes.

I told you the apocalypse was coming!

Beer pong is now a paying talent to have. Whoever wins the 25,000 dollar top prize can now begin paying back their parents for their hilariously misnamed education. I told you communications was a lucrative major!

I can't find a link, but I also heard about a Zappos customer service call last week. A woman and her dead-inside husband called the online shoe giant looking for a pair of boots. The woman, who will obviously die alone and unfulfilled, saw a pair of boots she absolutely had to have in a made-for-TV Lifetime movie. It took the customer service rep, who should be pitied and wept for, FIVE AND A HALF HOURS to track down the boots she was looking for. This woman had a five and half hour phone call looking for a specific pair of boots she saw in a Lifetime movie. Hey, sweet life dude.

After all of this, I really hope you heed my advice and prepare yourself for the coming Rapture. Enjoy!