GAFABP

Back in the saddle! Also have some exciting news for you fools, stay tuned.

Good Advice from a Bad Person! Hooray!

Dear Tony,

Often times at work I have to deal with old, crotchety people on the phone who are dealing with computer issues. 98% of the time, these issues are due to their own incompetence. How would you recommend telling these self-centered geriatrics to go fuck themselves without saying something that would get me fired? Also, I have a voice that makes me sound like kind of a dick...and I tend to tear people down who are even slightly wrong...and I don't like anybody. Help?

Kisses,

Whisper-screaming "Fuck" Loudly When I Hang Up Every Phone Call

Well W-S"F"LWIHUEPC,

If your letter taught me one thing - it's that my readers have a common enemy - the olds. Olds continue to be a blight on my readership, frustrating and terrorizing the gentlefolk who love my blog.

All of my old advice (smiling and nodding, taking comfort in their impending deaths) still applies.

But, I can't leave it at that. You need some personalized, special advice. First off, your voice should make you sound like a dick. This is ok. This is probably because you are better than most people you talk to, and your subtle inflection and diction should convey this. Don't stop. Don't you ever stop.

Tearing people down who are even slightly wrong is a good thing. You are an advanced student already. People who are wrong need to know it, tearing them down works, as does belittling them and simply chortling so they draw their own conclusions about their personal ineptitude.

You don't like anybody? Join the club! Anybody sucks.

On to the advice. Since you're not smart and/or skilled enough to not have a job where you have to talk olds through the nuances of double-clicking vs. single-clicking, quitting would seem to be out. What you have to remember is that old people are easily confused and misdirected. You could probably tell most of them to go fuck themselves without getting in trouble as long as you immediately change the subject to something old friendly. I suggest bananas or coupons.

An example

Old: "Waaaah I'm a shitty old crone and it's your fault I can't comprehend basic functions of a machine that has been around for almost twenty years waaaah"
You: "Go fuck yourself you crotchety dustfucker"
Old: "Waaaaaah what's that? Speak up"
You: "Holy Toledo! Bananas are on special at Safeway this week, I bet you could annoy their underpaid manager into giving you a few free ones if you start to talk about your colostomy bag!"
Old: "Waaah what a great idea! Thanks for the tip! I will now offer you some disgusting candy nobody eats except shitty old people as long as you sit through some super long rambling story about things that have nothing to do with each other."
You: "Go fuck yourself"

Do all of this,

Tony


Despite being able to do this, this guy still shits his pants daily.