GAFABP

Get Some! Advice, that is.

Also, to address some accusations, all of these letters are written by my readers. I have not written a single letter to myself. About this. These are all real! Or at least faked by other people.

Dear Tony,

I am a 37 year-old man semi-dating a 25 year-old girl; I say semi-dating because we are not exclusive in any way, we already had that talk, and I do not have the time to make that kind of commitment. I love spending time with her and even though she has romantic feelings for me, they are not mutual. She is a really sweet girl, kind, beautiful, and warm; I just don't have those feelings for her even though she is awesome as my friend. This is where it gets a little sticky; we are having lots of dirty awesome sex [by dirty I mean super super hot, not herpes/syphilis/gonorrhea soaked sex]. I think she still has feelings for me and expects me to be developing feelings for her; I'm just in it for the awesome sex! So here is my dilemma, eventually, she will want to have another talk about her stupid feelings, how do I let her down easy round 2 while still keeping the sex on the table? [And yeah we totally did it on the table...twice!]

-I Just Wanna Bang

IJWB,

Ok, first off, this letter makes me uncomfortable. It does not make me uncomfortable because it is about sex, it makes me uncomfortable because it is about ugly people having sex. Don't deny it, I can tell. First, ninety percent of 37 year-old men are ugly, it's an ugly time. Second, you're single. Third, you talk about sex, act like you've been there before, ya know? And finally, you're dating a 25 year-old. If you are ok with dating younger women, and you weren't ugly, you'd be dating a 21 year-old. Instead you settled for the past-her-prime, probably fat, desperate biological clocked girl. She's obviously ugly because she's dating you. Also you guys probably like nu metal.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way - the advice. First, stop being so gross. Really, you're creeping me out. Stop talking about sex. Second, quit acting so hard. I bet if this girl snapped out of her desperate haze and dumped you, you'd weep like a baby. I've seen it before.

If you really want advice on how to keep it as a fundamentally sex-only relationship without commitment, here's my advice to you. Just commit to her and bang other chicks. It won't be that much more work, and you can just cheat on her. You seem to be fairly unscrupulous anyway, so this shouldn't be a problem for you. She really won't catch on. If she's stupid enough to be in a sex-only relationship with an ugly 37 year-old, she's stupid enough to not catch on. Also, even if she does catch on, she will believe your lies about it and live in denial for at least a few months. Fair warning though - she will gain weight, become way more annoying and probably nag you when you do "commit" to her.

Also, really, gross.

Keep the dream alive,

Tony

P.S. Chillllll with the semicolons already.