Me and Courtney

Stealing an idea/request from @ShmittenKitten

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but Courtney Love (UK) and I are dating. Here is a transcript of our sexts - and by that I mean here are some fictional responses I am making to tweets she has tweeted.

Me: Hollllllller
CL(UK): I'm so heavily anguished at the cowardice of people who love me, I'm so sad for us all I'm hari-kari girl. I'll be good w thebtruth.
Me: You don't have to be anguished, I'm cool. Don't sword yourself? Is that what you are saying? You so crazy.
CL(UK): dunno but im cackling my ass off at madge right now, i love it when she tried to piss me off,,,, my art collection is still better mama.
Me: Good too see your spirits are lifted. Your comma collection is certainly better than Madonna's
CL(UK): Just discovered yr blog awesopme! amazing!
Me: You just found it? Took you long enough. I always figured my blog was how I landed such a catch
CL(UK): Bear you are a thrillionare! geek god!
Me: Aww thanks Court, I am the Brad Pitt of Bears. You know how much I love your drug addled, nonsensical compliments
CL(UK): You look amazing!
Me: I know right! Any advice on how to stay this bearly?
CL(UK):Eat up lover - the key to a healthy mind is a healthy body - sg
Me: Thanks for the tip, but are you quoting Suicide Girls?
CL(UK): locked out am last night and now i cant make the remote work
Me: That would explain the poorly attributed quotes, I suppose.
Cl(UK): sobs. i know fucking pathetic. i think i'm about to become a mistress never a job i wanted, kinda icky
Me: Losing the remote isn't that big of a deal, and I told you that married to sea tattoo is a metaphor. You can't actually marry the sea. Are you still upset about this? what's wrong?
CL(UK): oh nothing just shattered and crying in my fucking pillow. wishing i was...Not dead just not feeling so sickened. Options? Yes
Me: Courtney, baby, I'm not married to the sea. You can't marry a body of water.
CL(UK): I'm a lifeless rag, so set me on fire. Ennui is killing my vibrant good decent soul. Pathetic meet courtney, Courtney meet pathetic "hello"
Me: Seriously, Courtney, I am not married to anyone. Chill out.
Cl(UK):what else can possibly go wrong. oh plenty. tons, you only get references for good lawyers once in strawberry moon and its killing me
Me: Strawberry moon? That's not a real thing.
CL(UK): every blue moon i take an ambien, last night i did, its vile
Me: Blue moons aren't every day, but that's a real thing at least. Are we still on for tonight?
CL(UK): no,,,, rock n roll tonight please.
Me: Stop showing off your comma collection, Madonna is not jealous. Why aren't we seeing each other? Is there another man? Are you seeing someone else? Who are you dating?
CL(UK): funny man @georgelopez xoxoxoxo
Me: Whore.


There you have it, the bitter end to my torrid Love affair. Those are all actual tweets from Courtney Love's new twitter account.