GAFABP

Friday it is. Friiidaaay. You know that beep beep beep trucks make when they back up? Well there's this cherry picker across the street that makes that noise whenever it moves. Which is a lot. All day. On to the bad advice!


Dear Tony,
I lived in a shithole apartment for a few months and was forced to move out because my landlord wouldn't fix anything and the roof fell apart. I've been in a legal battle for ten months trying to get the money he owes me and it's been quite difficult. The court system has failed me and I feel very alone and in the dark with the whole thing. I am scared I will never get my money, but I need it desperately. What should I do?


Well no-name, I know what you are thinking - that I am going to say you should burn his house down. And you'd be right. Burn his house down.

Good luck with that,
Tony

Dear Tony,

Now that LOST is over, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so sad and lonely. Previously a highlight of my week, Tuesdays are now another bleak day of the week. How can I overcome this post-LOST depression?

Lost Without Jack

Dear LWJ,

Burn his house down. Wait, what? Shut up.
First off get better at making your signature a funny acronym. Points for cleverness though. My advice would be to scan the TV listings for Tuesday nights. Find a sci-fi show about an island that will run for six years and watch that instead. That should help.

Short of this I would find some friends. Preferably a handsome doctor who yells a lot and will be willing to completely change his philosophy 180 degrees within a six year span, a ne'er do well charming redneck, some Koreans, an ageless manscara'd guy, an affable fatso with a penchant for quoting Star Wars and fried chicken, some one dimensional females, a smoke monster, a creepy bespectacled man, some demigods, a statue foot and some black guys (don't worry, they won't hang out for long (what! Lost is racist, not me!)) and start a book club with them. I recommend Lovely Bones to start with. It worked for Oprah.

I hope this helps,
Tony

Thursday Taste Lesson

It is tough for me to come up with a recommendation today - with me HATING EVERYTHING and all. Sorry, got up on the wrong side of the couch this morning.

The good thing is, in real life, the angrier I get, the funnier I become. Like Bobcat Hulkthwait or something. Except funny. Like Bobcat Hulkthwait the words, not like Bobcat Goldthwait the person.

Please send me GAFABP, I know people are reading this, and you probably need some advice if you are spending your free time reading my blog. GET A LIFE. But don't.

Ok for a recommendation - Frankenstein. And that's mostly because Frankenstein is something I say when I can't think of anything else to say. That and broccoli. Really though, I want to recommend the shit out of this book, because it is wildly misunderstood.


Lookin good, Frank.

I know, he's not really named Frankenstein. Whatever.

So here's my case for the book. It's an excellent book - there's a reason high school English classes grudgingly still read it. It isn't the bumbling monster tale popularized in movies. The monster isn't a clumsy manchild. He is an intelligent, thinking, sympathetic villain. He seeks revenge and busts out horrifying lines like "...I will glut the maw of death, until it be satiated with the blood of your remaining friends" BOO YA. How's that for badassed. That line is so great it stuck with me all this time, I didn't even google it.

The book is a condensed Paradise Lost - with a monster! It's about the relationship of God and man. It's about revenge, it's about love, it's about science, it's about violence - it's awesome. Read it again, for the first time! Does that cliche make sense to anyone?

I love Frankenstein so much I am seriously considering a Frankenstein tattoo. READ IT.

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

and by Tuesday I mean Wednesday. Phew, good thing I left this day open, or I'd be screwed.

I am sorry to my loyal readers (just kidding) for missing Tuesday. First you have to go through a Tuesday without Lost, and now this? I hope you didn't kill yourself.

I have AT&T, my phone is crap and malfunctioning and I am in dire need of a new one. I know what you're thinking, like any other pseudo-hipster on the go, I should have an iPhone. And I would, if not for the iPhone being a horrible, fascist emporer's-new-clothes turd.
I am pretty anti-Apple as a whole. I think their computers and products, across the board, are dumbed-down versions of their more able, non-Jobsian products.


Have fun on your MacBook!

Things Apple does well: product design, marketing
Apple makes gorgeous products and some of the best packaging I have ever seen. That's a great way to sell products, but hey, guess what, they suck.

They are wildly overpriced. A comparable laptop costs a fraction of a MacBook. You are paying for this pretty packaging and image. Does that sound like something you really want to do?

I don't want to hear the myths either. Apple computers are no more capable of handling any program than any PC. I've handle the Adobe suite on both - there's no difference. The things that make it seem better are actually pretty crappy moves from Jobs. They lock down their computers to make them seem streamlined and easy to use. Sure it's easy to use if you lose half the functionality.

The iPhone is ubiquitous. The idea of an ap marketplace is exciting and appealing - until you see what they are doing. Any ap on the marketplace is approved by Apple. This for-your-benefit mothering is terrifying. I thought Apple was supposed to be the computers for the creative, free thinking sect. I guess it's really for the I-want-you-to-think-I'm-creative-and-free-thinking-but-I-can't-make-my-own-decisions-and-need-someone-to-tell-me-what-to-do sect. I can't stand the iPhone. The constant synching, the shitty keyboard, the iTunes or die etc etc etc. I don't have iTunes because I don't have an iPod - and I don't want it.

The iPad is a perfect example of what Apple is doing. The iPad is an inferior tablet computer, dumbed down, stripped of interesting features and marketed as something new and groundbreaking. It isn't new, it isn't groundbreaking and it is way too expensive. The only reason they have presented for you needing to buy one is "you need to buy one"
Don't.

My real beef with Apple is that they front. They are fronters. They act like they are the computer for creative types, they are friendly and kind, they aren't Microsoft. But they are, they are a massive profit machine who makes products that are lowest common denominator. Products that are much better suited for non-creative types. They are the same as Microsoft in their philosophy. Bill gates doesn't front. Microsoft is a tech giant and act like it. Be what you are.

So anyway, I'm waiting for a good Android phone to come out for AT&T. Apple's grip on AT&T is keeping the good Android phones off my shelves. Thanks again, Apple.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

Well, another weekend in the books. I was looking forward to this one because I had a pretty hellish week last week. Turned out pretty well.

Friday

Friday was pretty tame, worked way too much, got my car back, got dinner with my sister, played too many video games. Glad to have the car back, even if they forgot a piece I have to go back and pick up. It is kind of jarring to see my dash without that little glowing light of shame that was my check engine light for so many months.

Saturday

Saturday was a good day. We headed down to CBP to tailgate for the Phils-Red Sox game. Tailgating isn't usually my bag. Being the teetotaler I am, tailgating usually means "sit around and sweat" - but I had a good time. The game was a little disappointing as a Phils fan, but we had great seats and great company. Also, the Flyers winning earlier in the day made the loss a little easier to swallow. Finished up the day at a beach party at the local bar that was the expected shit show. Good times.

Sunday

Sunday was basically for one thing. The Lost finale. We had a mini lost party with dharma soda and food and cupcakes. Good looking party.



Nice spread, eh?

Ok - my thoughts on the finale. A good sci fi vehicle has two elements, excellent characters and excellent sci fi. This show had both, and the writers obviously felt the characters were the important part. I felt this was an ending for girls and not boys. They left the island and her mysteries intact and brought together the characters for their goodbye. That's their prerogative and I can respect that. As far as a finale based on characters and relationships I thought it was a good one. I personally would have enjoyed more sci fi, but hey, I'm a nerd.

My bone to pick with the last episode is also a nerdy one. Great sci fi is basically regurgitated classics. Classic stories told on space ships or mysterious islands. Replace gladiator swords with light sabers and medusa with smoke monster, bam. Recipe for success in my book. In the classics, the better a character, the better his death. If you're awesome you die an awesome death, at the hands of a worthy foe. The reason the Iliad is a tragedy is because Achilles dies at the hands of a bitch instead of the badass Hector. So with Lost, I was expecting something good for fake Locke/Man in Black/Smoke Monster. Darth Vader goes out to the most badass man in the galaxy in an effort to save his son. Locke/MIB/SM gets SHOT IN THE BACK BY A WHINY PAIN IN THE ASS GIRL. So upsetting. He deserved better. Maybe if it were Hurley or Ben that shot him I would have liked it better. Although, them going straight old school with the rainy cliff face off was awesome. Jack yelling LOCKE!! was gold. Nerd rant over.

Well, all in all a pretty solid weekend after a pretty crappy week. Let's get going on a good week today, shall we?

GAFABP

So, first Friday of the new schedule and I have one GAFABP for you. I wanted more but you jerks didn't send them.

Dear Tone Bone,
I have been living in San Francisco for four years now. Don't get me wrong, it's my favorite but, I can't shake the whole "something's missing" feeling. Your thoughts?
Tongues Out,
Megha

Dear Megaman,

Ahh, many people on the west coast share this feeling of yours. They are missing something, some je ne sais quois they can't quite place. This essential, tough to recognize element missing on your temperate coast is, what I like to call, people who aren't douche bags. While your life my be full of perfect weather, beautiful people and all sorts of vegan delicacies, what it is missing is people who don't have their heads up their asses. Come to the east coast where you can enjoy being berated by strangers, whose feelings of better-than-you-ness aren't hidden behind massive sunglasses, v neck shirts and drop crotch pants. Here in Philadelphia, you get the burgeoning gay night life you've come to love in SF but without the entire city smelling like a wharf. Ours smells like a shit refinery atop a pissy subway car. I've been to San Francisco! Your hobos are so charming with their clever signs and shticks, but you might enjoy the veritas that is masturbating homeless men who will probably stab you. So gritty! Don't worry, we have Whole Foods too.

So, to answer your question, all these sun bleached Californiatards have made you forget what real people are like. You need more angry, hurried, jumpy people in your life. The constant threat of violence and tongue lashings will really put a hop in your step. Hey, you might get tased or puked on! I hope this helps.

Yours,
Tony


Well there you have my first foray into GAFABP. Keep them coming please and I will continue to berate you.

Got my car back today. I think the culprit behind all these wacky hijinx was a mouse! A little mouse crawled up into my car before I had it and chewed through a bunch of wires, causing the multi thousand dollar nightmare foisted upon me. Thanks mouse. Dick.

Thursday Taste Lesson

So I guess Wednesdays are Tony has nothing to post Wednesdays, works for me.
Tough run lately. AT&T is boning me royally, my phone is completely broken and worthless and they won't replace it. AND if I want a new one I have to pay full price PLUS some dumb 75 dollar fee. Sweet. Car's been in the shop all week, I've been driving a Forester loaner. Work was canceled last night, my internet was out almost all of today, backing me up with about 20 hours of work. So here I am blogging! Hooray! The highlight of my week so far has been a giant turtle I saw crossing the street.


So on to your first taste lesson. First up - television. I am going to recommend a show which just started it's fourth season. Friday Night Lights. I know, it looks like a dumb high school drama football show - and it is. Beyond that, this show is excellent. If you've never seen it you wouldn't know that they don't take the typical approach to making television. Tons of hand-held shots, long takes and ad-libbing. Almost every shot was the first take and there is no blocking. The (surprisingly talented) actors are allowed to move around and inflect as they see fit. This bold move gives the show a different, more realistic feel. The writing that is there is excellent, the characters are more nuanced than you'd expect from a show like this and the story lines are Americana melodrama. I can't recommend this show highly enough. I have been waiting way too long for the fourth season due to some programming hell the show went through and I couldn't be more excited. I am watching The Wire on DVD right now, and to be honest, I like FNL better. The Wire feels a little emporer's-new-clothes to me. Maybe I'll sing a different tune once I've finished it. Anyway, watch FNL - thank me later.

Second up today - music.



I might have mentioned this band before. Red Clay River. I caught them opening for Tim Barry and have been listening to them way too much since. They are from West Virginia, I don't just say that for trivial background. They wear it proudly. They are a smoky mix of Tom Waits and Modest Mouse and hillbilly country. They make funky, rollicking music for the holler and show an impressive ability to craft pretty, wistful big-sky-and-open-car-window tunes. I enjoy them thoroughly, you should too.

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays

As both a hater and an elitist, nothing is worse than when something goes from underrated to overrated. These twitter days, it's tough for anything to remain underrated for long. People glom onto something with even a shimmer of potential coolness and run it into the ground. Any/all types of bicycles, Carlos Ruiz, alt-country, eating fads - everything comes and goes so quickly anymore.
I really think accessibility is to blame/praise for this. Bitter old man rant begin: When I was younger, new music was sought out. You found it at shows, on merch tables in the back, at shitty record stores you took the train to - it wasn't on Itunes or LimeWire or whatever. You earned these bands, you had to try at least a little to hear them. You couldn't google them and they didn't friend request you. Bitter old man rant over. Just kidding, it's ubiquitous.

I think these things become so overrated so quickly because people can't just like something new, they have to love it - to show how cool they are. The more someone likes something, the more credibility they have. I like Animal Collective more than you do! You might like them but I downloaded ALL their albums! They're the next Beach Boys! The hype grows, the quality fades and we are left holding our LPs wondering.

I'm so old. Everything is ironic. Everything is hype. Irony is a dead scene.



I don't care how ironic you're being, you look like an asshole.

My point is, you aren't missing anything. If you think something sucks, it's because it sucks. When your whole life and persona are based on acting like something is cool because it isn't - you're an idiot. Your tastes have become so perverted and collective you have no clue what is or isn't actually awesome anymore. I like Motley Crue - sorry for the lack of umlauts - not because they are ironic but because I enjoy their songs. I don't like Poison, they suck. Winger sucks. Get it? You like the hair metal band with good songs! Not the one with the ugliest outfits or cheesiest image.

Got my first GAFABP submission yesterday, keep them coming! Got that little box that should work for submissions (you can submit anonymously there, no email required).

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

So, let's see how this goes.

Friday

Friday I worked. I'm always busy Fridays, trying to finish up as much of the accumulated work from the week as I can. After work I cleaned my apartment to prep for the arrival of some new tenants. My ex is traveling Europe. The two cats we got when we were together are coming to stay with me. Bonk and Skeletor Dirtbike.
Much cleaning was accomplished. 5 bags of trash and some novelty vacuuming later, I called it.
After that, went up to the bar to revel in the Flyers' miraculous victory.

Saturday

Went out for a typical egg heavy breakfast. Did some shopping and went to the park. The park was great, Phillies on the handheld radio, lemony booze drinks concocted in sippy cups, injury inducing cartwheels, photographs, Willow climbing, it was a good Saturday.

After that the cat delivery went down. My ex brought them by and they were unhappy about the change of scenery. Lots of angry mews and hiding.



Skeletor hid beside the sink, and meowed angrily if you found her. She doesn't like losing hide and seek.



Bonk hid above the washing machine, she likes being high up.

We let them settle in and went out for the most delicious Mexican food I ever had with our already drunk friend. Five dollars were added to the tip for his behavior.

Sunday

Went to lunch with a friend in a surprisingly trashy neighborhood.

Stumbled upon a massive flea market. They were mostly shutting down, but not before I could pull down a stupid haul of trivial crap. I scored some Alf, NKOTB, Street Sharks and Garbage Pail Kids trading cards. Also found some ridiculous baseball suction cup player head things and a comic book about Mike Tyson.

Then, we went to meet my sister's new stray cat kittens. They were kinda creepy and awesome.
A little more hanging out, another Flyer's game, another trip to the bar and I was ready to call it a night.
Bonk is the mischievous sort, and mostly nocturnal. It's tough to make it through the night without her getting into something. But, I'm a heavy sleeper and figure I should be able to ignore most of it. Early this morning, around 5:45 am, I heard a pretty significant commotion at the foot of the couch I was sleeping on. I thought someone was in my apartment. I wake up and turn just in time to see Bonk leaping and scrambling from atop my lamp. It's a paper square, I don't even know how she got that far.


This is the lamp she tried to stand on

Well in my sleepy haze I see this go down and reach out and try to catch her as her horrible footing gave way and she dove toward me. She scratched the hell out of me and the lamp went timber-ing into my bike. Thanks Bonk, good morning to you too.

Good Advice from a Bad Person

Dear Tony,

Lately, I've been feeling down. I feel that my creative soul, my driving, passionate mind, are squelched. I have a need to be heard. I have a need to produce, create and relate. I have a need to reach out and touch people. And by all this, I mean I am an attention starved baby with a massive ego and a paradoxically low self esteem. Please advise.
Signed,
A dude offered no instructional service

Well ADONIS,

Start a blog.

Yours,
Tony


Ok you get the point - now bring it, you jerks.

Housekeeping

So, I decided, in an effort to give this little blog o' mine more structure, we are going to have a schedule. HOUSE MEETING. Here's the schedule I came up with so far:

Monday: Weekend Rodeo Roundup - I will write about my weekend! You can have a peek into the exciting and robust life I live. Feel free to emulate.

Tuesday: Tony's Always Right Tuesday - I will probably criticize something most people like. Because I am way cooler and have way better taste than you.

Wednesday: Yeah I didn't come up with one for Wednesday yet. Wild Card Wednesday was tempting. Also Wacky Wednesday.

Thursday: On Thursdays, as a foil to Tuesday, I'll suggest something with this excellent taste of mine.

Friday: Good advice from a bad person - I really want to do this. Send me your questions, jerks. They don't have to be real! But if they are they will drip with the pangs of real life drama!

So there you have it, my schedule. Let's see how long this lasts. Don't worry, I'll still write the regular wah wah wah I want a new job I'm too good for this world my life is hard posts.

It always was my biggest fear to die without changing a Goddamned thing

As I ramp up my job quest, I am thinking about what I will be doing. I always had this idea that I would never do some bullshit job. I would never work in a cubicle or worry about accounts or reports or any of those seemingly endless office jobs that accomplish nothing. Well that idealism is butting up against realism. I am still looking for a job that will require use of my brain, and not make me want to die every single day. I am sure there will be concessions. Every day we concede a little more. One day we're wearing a tie and singing happy birthday to some fat typist in our office and looking forward to a grocery store bought ice cream cake in the strange smelling communal office fridge. Shit.

Does it really matter what we do as a job? Is it really part of our life like that? Or is it just a vehicle to other kinds of happiness? Does it matter what I do from 9-5 of every day of my goddamned life? Or can I just use that money to set up model trains or collect coins or whatever the hell else middle aged men hobby at. Can I be happy being the secretly tattoed accounts manager at some whatever business? Living my real life in the evenings and weekends? Or will it eat my soul. chomp chomp chomp.

Alas.

Looks like I'll be getting a new car in the near future. Suggestions? Another concession. I used to drive these 'bombs.' I loved them, I loved having a car that made me happy. I would drive around just to drive, smoking cigarettes, changing CDs, brooding, laughing, dating - living what I wanted to be my life in these ridiculous cars. Then I kinda grew up. Small concessions here and there. I drive a "new car" now. At least it is fun to drive, fast and exciting. Maybe that's done too. Maybe my next car will be a Nissan Sentra. I don't like it. I know it is childish and immature, but I love my car. I hate my car, but I love my car. Maybe I can just switch from loving performance to loving practicality and fuel mileage. Ugh, I don't want to grow up.

Whoops

So that didn't last long. My goal of writing frequently went by the wayside.

Oh well.

Last night I wrote for real. Pen and paper. I finished another book and just wanted to put some stuff down. Ended up staying awake past six am filling up about 3/4 of one of my fancy and rarely used Field Notes notebooks.

I've yet to go back and read it, but I don't have high hopes for some witching hour bedroom scribbles. I found it's much more difficult to be be clever writing in analog. You really have to plan what you're going to say if you want to be cute. Just writing it as it comes leaves out the turns of phrase and well thought out metaphors. It all just comes spewing out on the paper.


Still looking for a new job. No real solid leads yet. I go back and forth being excited and terrified at the prospect of having to go to work. I've worked from home for so long now, I wonder how I'll take it. I think I can do it. I think I am ready. At first it will be novel, having coworkers and commuting and bringing a lunch or going to grab one with my 'team'. The regular paychecks, benefits and vacation time won't be novel, just awesome.
The wake up times and running late and business wardrobe won't be novel. They'll be a pain in my ass I've had the luxury of avoiding for a while.

But it's time. I need a "real job" - I need more money and taxes taken out and benefits.

So I've been thinking about starting a section of this blog or a whole new blog where I can be structured and funny and mean. It will be called Good Advice from a Bad Person. I'll answer advice letters with stupid acronym names like Dear Abby or Savage Love. I just don't know how to go about getting people to write me letters to be advised upon. Feel free, they don't have to be real, because my advice sure as shit won't be.