Holler

Check out my new post over at Phillyist.

It's not the typical GAFABP, since you guys totally slacked on letters.

Also, worst week ever, seriously.

Reunited and it feels so good

Hey, sorry about that.

Hope you enjoyed your Christmas vacation from my blog.

Today I bring you two links from my time away.

First up, my GAFABP from last week.

Second up, I did a year end countdown at my editor's request. Check it out.

That second one will make you mad.

Hope y'all had an awesome holiday, and feel free to tell me what you got for Christmas. I have some very funny Christmas stories to tell, but I have to get the ok from the people involved, or just tell them anyway.

Better late than never

Column finally went up over at Phillyist. Get some!

Ps it is snowing. I love snow. And Christmas.

Brrr

So, the PHILLIES signed Clifton Phifer Lee. People are suggesting PHOUR LOKO as their nickname, which is terrible, just like everything else that has to do with 4 loko. I prefer The Phantastic Phour. Now, this analogy is way harder to make than I expected.

Cole Hamels is obviously Sue Storm, despite his stretchiness.

Roy Halladay is Reed, because he's the leader and pretty tall.

After that, it gets tricky.

I am going to go with

Roy Oswalt is the Thing, because he doesn't seem very smart, but he's a total badass.

Cliff Lee is the Human Torch. Because he's hot? And brash and cocky, as evidenced by his pop-up nonchalance in the world series.

See? Doesn't that feel a little unsatisfying? Maybe Oswalt as the torch because he throws hard? A little too easy.

Either way, 4 Loko is stupid. Get over it. Maybe a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse comparison is in order.

Also, I think a good measure of a man is the Texts From Last Night that people send them and ask if they are about them. These are two that I got today:

(417) Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and "made it rain"?

and

(541) He's the only one I know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour about the science in Star Wars and still get laid.


There you have it folks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it rain. Mmm.

Editors Gonna Edit

So this conversation is better than the actual article, and will make more sense once that goes up, but I thought you guys might enjoy this.

The joke in question:

The obvious solution would be to tell people you aren't pregnant when they ask. Isn't that some sort of stranger nightmare? "Hey pregnant lady! Yous all pregnant and stuff!" and then you say "Why no, uncouth hoi polloi, I'm just overstuffed as of late, I enjoy french fries and beers, thank you. That's a lovely cell phone holster you have." Because talking about someone's fatness is way ruder than talking about someone's reproductive choices apparently. America!

editor: Tony, can you break this sentence up please? Also, fair warning - I am cutting your cell phone holster joke. Otherwise, we're good to go. Just let me know when you've corrected that line.

me: why are you cutting the cell phone holster joke/

which sentence?

1:59 PM editor: You may also want to try telling people you are a surrogate, pretending you don't speak English, drawing a big sad face on your pregnant stomach, abortion, faux, over-enthusiasm, practicing unfriendly glares in your mirror, preemptively asking strangers if they are pregnant, or simply ignoring them.

Also, I question your pic of walmart without specific walmart reference.

2:00 PM me: haha

editor: I mean, I get it, but...

me: can i just semicolons in that sentence instead of breaking it up?

2:02 PM editor: My concern is double: that breaks in your list are unclear (solved by semicolon, okay), but also that you have a one sentence paragraph.

2:03 PM me: i have a few one sentence paragraphs

2:04 PM do you wear a cell phone holster on your belt?

editor: Nope. Also, that joke is irrelevant to your point in that paragraph and lacking set-up. Thus gone.

2:05 PM me: dude,

that's what makes it funny.

editor: DUDE.

I'm your editor and I'm telling you it's not. I'm sorry.

It might sound funny in your head, but it's a non-sequitur read.

2:08 PM me: I didn't know you were a joke editor. I thought you were like a copy editor.

editor: non-sequitur is a copy edit.

When things don't make sense, I get to have you change them or I get to take them out.

2:09 PM You feel like making a walmart joke there to make your picture make sense - I would recommend that.

me: it does make sense. someone who would say that would wear a cell phone holder. i'm developing characters in the small space i am allotted!

2:11 PM editor: That's great, but no.

me: plus the circular randomness of a stranger asking you fi you are pregnant and then you telling them an innapropriately over personal fashion critique! my jokes are subtle and nuanced

haha

2:12 PM ok plus MT won't let me log in, plus i wish i got sense-making edit your sports list

2:13 PM editor: The fact of the matter is, very little of your writing gets changed, you need to back off fighting for every little thing. There are reasons behind it. I will now go ahead and semicolon your list because I have wasted all the time I am able to spend on this at my real job...

2:14 PM me: Well, i'd be happy to change it if MT weren't a cruel mistress. Plus Phillies fans love pat burrell.

editor: lol. Not lately.

MT is a cruel mistress.

me: I log in, which takes forever then it takes me to a completely blank page.

editor: It loses whole things.

2:15 PM MT's a major bitch sometimes.

2:16 PM me: Eh, I just thought you cut the cell phone joke because you were afraid of offending our cell phone holster wearing readership. I make a lot of jokes like that, I love jokes like that.

2:17 PM editor: And some of them are funny and make sense. Like accusing the 50s of being stupid.

me: haha

cell phone holster was my favorite joke in the hole thing. you have a way of finding that and killing it.

you're like a tony's favorite joke assassin

2:18 PM editor: That's funny, because it was basically a black hole in that paragraph. Well, more like a giant stop sign.

me: oh burn

that's the point!

it's like bam

joke slap in the face.

2:20 PM editor: like I said, funny in your head. But disruptive to the paragraph. going back to work now.

2:21 PM me: i checked. my fan club said it was funny.

sorry i couldn't fix the semicolons

editor: It's not a big deal.

me: i'm making a comment on the article that says "cell phone holster! ATTICA ATTICA!"
Editor is no longer available to chat.

EDIT: Here is the actual link to the article.

Bender

I feel like I did a bunch of blow today. Not like I'd know, but I bet it's like this. Because I woke up 3-4 hours earlier than I typically do and I am killing it today. And by killing it I mean stressing myself out and getting a lot done but also crazed.

I have a friend from out of town visiting, so I have been cleaning my apartment hard. It's fucking dumb. I have way too many clothes to store. I have one closet and it is small and not in my bedroom. My dresser is full with about 1/3 of my clothing. So, I don't know what to do. My usual method of piling up dirty clothes on my kitchen floor and clean clothes on my kitchen table (my washer/dryer is in my kitchen) is not going to cut it. Oh well.

Also I have an article due tomorrow and nothing to write. Please give me some advice letters. I need one for tomorrow. Also I am supposed to be writing some sort of year end top ten list or countdown or something. My ideas so far are top 10 sandwiches I ate this year and top 10 funniest nicknames I came up with for myself or strangers. I don't think either of those will run. Will gladly accept suggestions for that too.

I am making Christmas cards this year. While I consider myself fairly crafty for a straight dude, I am screwing this up. Four days later and this ink on these cards has yet to dry. I did some research and found out that this ink is designed to NOT dry. So you can like sprinkle it with glitter or fairy dust or some other bullshit. So I bought a hair dryer at Walmart. That didn't get the job done. I need to borrow an embossing gun. This is my life. I need a moment.

I fancy myself a pretty good gift giver. I like to get people thoughtful gifts and really pride myself on my ability to do so. Not so much this year. I have no good ideas. Oh Christmas, you are a cruel mistress.

I think by the end of the day the totals will be: 50 smoked cigarettes, 1 cat punched in the face, 1 stubbed toe and/or pinched finger and/or bumped head (it just feels like one of those days), 5 Diet Pepsis, 3 screamed F words (well, just one F word screamed 3 times), and hopefully 2 eaten chocolate chip cookies (hey, they aren't all bad).

Off to rake some leaves at my parents house. Holler at me with GAFABP for tomorrow or list ideas.

More like WONday

I saw Harry Potter. I don't read them, as books with 24 pt fonts make me feel stupid. It was a pretty good movie about teenaged wizards, and they always help kick off the Christmas season.

I went shopping for Christmas cards (send me your address to be added to my list). Almost all Christmas cards are painfully stupid. It was tempting to send all the girls on my list cards that say Ho Ho Ho. I realized my best option would be to just make my own. So I bought some rubber stamps and had at it. That ink gets everywhere.

I just submitted a few things to an online literary magazine. I also just punched myself for saying that. Point is, I had to write a bio for them. This is what I wrote:

[Bingo Rockefeller] is a criminally underpaid writer and somewhat fairly paid editor living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He writes a weekly advice column for the website Phillyist titled "Good Advice From a Bad Person." He is taller than he looks and will never find the perfect root beer.
I should have mentioned my tiny-headed cat. Literary magazines love cats.

The Phillies lost Jayson Werth and one of Philadelphia sport's greatest beards. But they also lost Philadelphia sport's worst soul patch, so there's that.

Here is today's addition to my Christmas Wish List. Listen up, Santa.


I can't decide if I want the stormtrooper or Vader, but both are awesome. Read about them here.

I watched Santa's Slay last night. It was easily the best Christmas horror movie ever starring Goldberg and Claire Littleton. Also the worst.

I'm getting this for my cat for Christmas.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Today's GAFABP is about being obsessed with celebrities.

Check it out here, over at Phillyist.

Eagles score 100 points tonight. I will almost guarantee it.

Pole

I have found the bottom of the world - The darkest, most terrifying corner of society. A cave full of rocks with horrible scum underneath the rocks. And since the world is round it has two bottoms (and no tops (worst gaydate ever)).

Those two bottoms, those two pits of eternal despair, those two fiery hells of idiocy and shame are YouTube comments and lyrics websites.



My impression of YouTube comments

NattyIce69 Lol funny
MillerGuy123 Lol N[word] probably don't video Lol N[word]
PoetSmartness Noway did cat do that, this is fake. fake video is fake.
8582PikachuLol! I'm forwording dis to every1 I kno!11 Lol
TwilightTwetard23321 VAMPIREES!
CaptBoobboob i luv lamp. BOrat.

And then I want to die. And everyone else to die. And the Earth to have never existed.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I know I shouldn't read them. But it does, and I do. I don't know why. It's terrifying that this exists in this world. How could love be real in world that produced this? How could any good exist simultaneously with YouTube comments?

The lyrics websites. Oh Boy.

So, I was playing Rock Band 3, and the song "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley came on. I was wondering about one of the lyrics, so I looked it up. Right under the lyrics, the comments start. mfrae says:

From Jenny Lewis on lead guitar to her absolutely incredible vocals, this is one of the greatest pop/rock songs ever recorded. Rilo Kiley is a truly underrated band who may never record another album. But this one song will should put Jenny into the rock and roll hall of fame someday.

I put it in purple, because I imagine that person thinks in purple. Really? One of the greatest songs ever recorded? And that single song will put Jenny into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame some day? And you are thinking about future Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees?

RAHHHH

People are the worst. I was going to copy and paste more but this is how they all go:

This song is about me and my ____! It's like she wrote it about me! I went through this! I am a moron! I have simple emotions that mean the world to me and you need to know about it! Thanks Jenny!

Or:

commenter1:
I listen to this song constantly, and I think about it all the time and I think this song is about [the super obvious thing this song is about and it couldn't be about something else] because [the fucking lyrics are exactly what this song is about]

commenter2:
Actually I think this song is about [the exact same thing you said, but somehow I'm too stupid to realize we are saying the same thing] like, totally, like [more painfully obvious lyrics without any imagery, metaphors or potential second meanings that could possibly be construed any other way]

Or:

[ I have no idea what I am talking about but I took English in high school so I am using words I learned there and trying to put something there that isn't there and this song is about] society's take on [some buzz word or concept] and how we, as people deal with [it doesn't matter what I say here, I still think I'm smart] post[just kill me] and schism.


So, there you have it. The two places of the internet that make me want to pull a Falling Down on everyone and everything.

What grinds your gears?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

I went to a wedding this weekend. I got dressed up and got my date dressed up and we matched kinda because I'm classy n shit.

It was a nice wedding, it was a retirement party for one of my all-time shenanigans cohorts. Oh, the times we had and should have gotten in trouble for. Goodnight sweet prince.

Sometimes I feel like this. Especially on airplanes and at baseball games.

It's so Christmas. That means presents. Usually I am quite good at getting presents for people. I love getting good presents for people. This year, total present block. None ideas. For anyone. It's bizarre and frustrating. I don't even know what I want for my self. DAMN THIS CHRISTMAS BLOCK!

My blog overlords at Phillyist have requested some sort of countdown to 2011 or top ten list for 2010 or something. I should do a few. Any suggestions?

So what are you all asking for from Santa?

Christmas wishlist item of the day:



BEAR CHAIR!

Bears

I just came to my blog and there was a bear living in it.

Because I haven't been here in a while. Get it?

So today is the day after Thanksgiving, aka CHRISTMAS. I love Christmas, and it is finally ok to be wicked excited about it.

But first, here is a list of things I am thankful for:

Comments on my blog
The Misfits
Camel Lights errr Blues. I was going to do one of those fancy strikethroughs for that, because I always think that's funny, but I couldn't figure it out in 15 seconds, so I didn't do it.
Breakfast especially going out to breakfast. And double carbs. "I'm carbo loading for the big race" I make that joke every time. The waitress never laughs.
The Phillies always and forever. xoxo <3
The Eagles because they are wicked good right now. Haha U Mad. Go Vick.
The Flyers I love this Flyers team. I love the defensemen who are descendants of Thor and the wunderkind Giroux(clap) and the Chase Utley of Hockey, Mike Richards.
Tattoos I am so getting a new one soon. Would it be weird to get a Christmas tattoo? Yes. But I love Christmas that much. But I won't.
Inexpensive Ikea Computer Chairs because my cat has destroyed this one. Her new move: dangling off the back like an action star. She just hangs off the back with her back feet dangling. Ummm ok cat. Thanks?
Cat! She destroys everything and poops in a box in my house, but she's pretty awesome.
No Pants Work Day I am thankful I work from home. For now, it's working and bosses can suck it. But I might get a have-to-wear-pants job soon. Maybe.
My Family I could have an entire blog dedicated to their shenanigans. Instead, just know that they are awesome and bizarre and I love them.
Donuts
Cheesesteaks
The Internet
Good Books
Christmas I love everything about this holiday, including some of the shitty stuff, like shopping. I love shopping, I love the mall near Christmas. I'm the worst.
Everyone Who Puts Up With My Jackassery Thanks!



How about you guys? What are you thankful for?

Your scene is dead.

Haters Gonna Hate

I wrote a column about the Eagles game that happened last night. Here it is.

But it's a preview so it's kind of obsolete now. Read it anyhow.

Thursday

Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist. This one featuring Mom.

QB Eagles

Lolredskins. Haha. That was a good game.

THIS. x6

She likes primary colors.

This is my cat. I told her to do her impression of a creepy worm for that picture. She obliged.

She and I had a meeting.

My agenda: No more toe biting at 7 A.M.

Her agenda: double lunch

We are at an impasse.



Ha take that docile cat! Merry Christmas docile cat! (not my cat)


In case you forgot, I am still looking to GET PAID. So if you want to PAY ME, do it already. Boo ya.

I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend. It's going to be one of those pizza bachelor parties, not one of those stripper ones. But I'm ok with that, because pizza>strippers.

Holy crap 50$ does not get you much at Whole Foods, except murderlust. I always forget just how bad it is in there. I know you people have been to other grocery stores, why do you forget how to function as a human when you are around muesli?

Uh Oh

It's bad that I love this song, right? It's just so happy! Also, it doesn't hurt that I want to date 5/6th of the back up singers (the girls).

I think this whole I HATE HIPSTERS vs. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIPSTERS vs. Meh is going to come to a head. Or just totally fizzle out like everything else ever.

I want a new tattoo.

Oh crap, that song reminds me, next playlist (besides all the other next playlists): guilty pleasures. I swear I tried to make a playlist the other day but grooveshark was all like "fuck you" and I was all like "Psssh, I don't wanna anyway." But I did wanna because you guys need one. Because you have terrible taste in music.

Here is a list of things I have been enjoying lately:

The League - FX tv show that is way funnier than I expected it to be.
Sons of Anarchy - I know, it looks dumb. Actually it kind of is dumb, but I love it.
Colder Weather - boo ya hoodies and flannel and knit caps
Mopo - Mopo is a cat.
Rice - Where you been hiding all my life super globally popular grain?
I'd Rather Die Than - this phrase is always hilarious to me
Rock Band 3 I had a sworn allegiance to Guitar Hero for a long time, but I am nerding out on the Rock Band keyboard. Ugh.

What Jail is Like

Friend: I had a dream you were in jail.

Me: What for?

Friend: I feel like it had something to do with baseball, football, or video games. I went looking for you and found out you were in jail.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person up over at Phillyist.

It's about nightmares. It's pretty boring.

Sorry.

Write

Is it Wednesday? Why is this week confusing me so much. I'll blame daylight savings.

I am getting wicked excited about the Christmas season. Christmas songs, Christmas commercials, Christmas candy. It's on. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, this is bad.
I love the Christmas gift guides online. I don't know why. I get way too excited for those.

I should make up a Christmas wish list. I'll make a Dear Santa post soon. Word is bond.

KO!

I miss the Phillies. The Flyers are being pretty awesome though, I just wish they played more. Last night there were no sports on. None. What's up with that? Dumb.

I am officially looking to take my writing to the next level. The level that includes financial compensation. Tips? Advice?

Also I've been thinking about moving lately. Just for the excitement. Also for a parking spot.

My cat is bad.

Rodeo

Another weekend in the books.

Holy crap, it's November?

File under: Bad stuff my cat does (Oh yeah, I have a cat now)

My five pound cat somehow managed to pull down my trash can and toss the contents. I am not quite sure how. I am impressed. She continually does things that boggle my mind when I am not looking. Hey tiny cat, how did you carry an entire bag of candy corn clear across the apartment and into your nest of dirty clothes and trash you have made in my bedroom? Hey tiny cat, what the hell was that super loud noise?

In an exciting turn of events, my cat looks exactly like this cat:



Which is pretty exciting. That's obviously a good cat to look like.

Apples to Apples always makes me laugh, sometimes by myself. I somehow managed to not win on Anne Frank OR Rosie O'Donnell though, tough crowd.

I got lectured on not recycling. I want to move. I need someone to pay me for writing. Maybe I'll find a rich guy and write funny messages for him. That sounds too romantic.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

You know the drill.

It's Thursday, get some Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This week I tackle SAD and winter activities. Enjoy!

Halloweekend Rodeo Roundup

This was the best part of Halloween. The sound quality on this video is terrible for some reason. It sounded great there. The show was perfect, everyone there, despite being 25-45, was 16 for the night. Including the band. Ted's impression of Danzig was so spot-on. I have never seen so many 35 year old stage divers.

Other than that, I was a lumberjack for Halloween, as I like costumes that require little effort and deliver maximum punch. It went over well.

Some stupid baseball teams played each other or something, I don't remember.

Send me some Good Advice From a Bad Persons for tomorrow, please. C'mon I know you want to be immortalized on that super popular Phillyist website.

Oh and then last night a bunch of people voted and talked about it on facebook. Way to go voters! I'm so proud you did something that takes four minutes. It's like a starbucks trip, except free and there was probably a shorter line.


Got a couple playlists in the works too.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

As usual, here's my Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This one is about ear germs, talking on the phone and being a bitter old man. Enjoy!

Hollywood Babylon

So when I went to save this picture off the internet, I found out it was called "Trystan-mourning." Wow that's the worst name ever, Trystan, and it's probably not even real. Way to go.

So that's been me for the past week, except real and not just some goth douchebag girl(?) in a photoshoot. But I am wearing my black veil.

This Tuesday was a big (expensive) nerd day for me. Best Buy owned me.

First up, Venture Brothers Season Four (part 1) came out. C'mon VB, part one? WTcrap.



At least Dean Venture can help soothe my Cole Hamels addiction.

Dean Venture or drawing of Cole Hamels. YOU DECIDE

Also, Star Wars the Force Unleashed II came out. AKA finally a Star Wars game where you can be an awesome Jedi and choke, throw, lightning, decapitate everyone and everything II. I bought this game about six o'clock Tuesday, I beat this game about one AM last night, TOO SHORT. I want more people to decapitate! I want to lightsaber more Rancors! Ugh you're too short, but oh so awesome.

Finally, Rock Band 3 came out. Typically, I am a Guitar Hero kind of guy, as Rock Band seems like it is for douchebags (see Rock Band: Beatles & Rock Band: Green Day). BUT HOLY CRAP REAL GUITAR. I didn't get the guitar, just the keyboard. Shhhh, I know.

Also, tonight. TV Casualty (Ted Leo, Atom, others) cover Misfits songs all night. HOORAY. That is going to be awesome.

GAFABP later.

Goodnight Sweet Princes

Say it ain't so.

Mercy. Mercy.

Wow, that was an awful weekend.

My feelings on the Phillies are documented over at Phillyist.

So, check that out.

In other news. Ummm. There's other news? Nevermind.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Thursday! Four PM!

You should know this by now.

A Halloween advice column by me is up over at Phillyist.

If you're gonna scream, scream with me.

Halloween is coming up, maybe I'll actually wear a costume this year instead of just wearing my sweater that vaguely resembles Freddy Krueger's. I was going to be a Chilean Miner, so I wouldn't have to shave my beard, but I bet that is going to be super played by then.

Chomp chomp chomp chomp. That's what the pipe noise always sounded like to me.

Public Advisory: NO ONE BE ANYONE FROM JERSEY SHORE (Macaroni Rascals) FOR HALLOWEEN. Thank you.

Here is an article Gavin McInnes surely volunteered. I think it's crap. For one, who is his audience? No one calls themselves a hipster. Me-someone who makes fun of hipsters? Um, You Chose...Poorly! Also, bonus me-giving-him-shit in the comments on the article. But hey, maybe you'll like it.

This continues to make me laugh. I have no idea why. I am truley sorry for your lots.

My friend keeps me updated on the internet.

The Phillies. ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Carlos Ruiz: My nickname is Chooch.

Ok homework:

Halloween costume ideas, GAFABPs (really, do this. It will be on like a super popular website, and then maybe I'll be famous and you can have that feather for your cap), playlist requests

Also this:

Phillyist

A GAFABP I am particularily fond of is up over at Phillyist.

The editor kinda edited the shit out of it, and said I "went off the rails a little" during my "side rant" and that it needed to be "reigned in." Meh, I liked it better before.

Either way, I like it.

Playlist

If there's one thing in this world that I love, it's the Philadelphia Phillies.

During a baseball game, as a player comes to bat, a song of his choosing plays. Here are the songs that I would choose for the current crop of Fightin' Phils.


Lookin' good, P

1. Jimmy Rollins: Ridin' - Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone
Leading Off, Jimothy Rollins. I chose this song for young master Rollins for a few reasons. First, catchers are always trying to catch Jimmy ridin' dirty (stealing bases). Those catchers are ALWAYS hatin' and patrolin', but lucky for Jimothy, and us, they are rarely successful in their efforts. Also there is a certain corniness about both Chamillionaire and J-Roll, but the best part, is that they know it's corny, and are in on the joke. They know they're corny, right?
2. Placido Polanco: Kensington Line - Big Head Todd and The Monsters OK, I knew there was a band called Big Head Todd and the Monsters, so I searched for them. The first song that came up was a song named after a neighborhood in Philadelphia. I had to use that, right? Sorry if the song blows.
3. Chase Utley: Stray Cat Strut - Stray Cats Chase Utley is as near to human perfection as we'll witness on this Earth. Due to that, I'll never let him live down that magazine cover with his wife and a bunch of cats. Also something something slicked back hair.
4. Ryan Howard: Two Dope Boyz (In a Cadillac) - Outkast With a lot more cred than Chamillionaire, but not enough cred that white people don't love them, I thought Outkast was perfect for "The Big Piece." Also, this one is an obvious nod to Howard's natural talents toward Sarge's "Cadillac time."
5. Jayson Werth: Loco en el Coco - Cypress Hill This one is too perfect to explain why.
6. Raul Ibanez: Evenflow - Pearl Jam I read somewhere that Raul Ibanez loved Pearl Jam. I was googling that just now and found that that Raul does indeed love Pearl Jam, and used to actually come out to their songs. So this one is pretty accurate? Also, as reported on another site, I once saw Raul Ibanez at a bar, he was very nice and wore a man purse.
7. Shane Victorino: If You're Gonna be Dumb (You Gotta be Tough) - Smut Peddlers Some say that baseball is the most cerebral sport, with some players getting by merely on their mental acuity and knowledge of the game. Shane Victorino is not one of those players.
8. Carlos Ruiz: Turn My Swag On - Soulja Boy (Tell Em) This is Chooch's own choice for entrance music, that is too incredible to change. I know Chooch looks in the mirror and says "What's up?" I love that man.
9. Roy Halladay: O Fortuna - Carl Orff I imagine that this is the song that is always playing in Roy's mind. At least, it's always playing in my mind when I think of Roy, which is often. Did you know that Roy Halladay is actually left-handed? Or that he once spent time on the DL in the minors when his arm turned to solid gold? Or that the script for The Natural was adapted from a book report he did in the third grade on Little League Baseball Guide to Correcting the 25 Most Common Mistakes: Recognizing and Repairing the Mistakes Young Players Make? Ralph Nader's original focus of Unsafe at Any Speed was a treatise on Halladay's fastball? Or that Roy Halladay's fastball is actually his changeup and his changeup is a double changeup? Or that his unborn son was drafted with the first overall pick by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 2002 MLB draft? Once, while still with Toronto, at a start in Yankee stadium, one of Halladay's cutters sent Yankee coach Don Zimmer into cardiac arrest. While gasping his last breaths on this Earth, Zimmer saw Halladay's next pitch. Roy twirled a changeup of such transcendent beauty, that the pitch inspired Zimmer to live, as he now knew that both God and Love were real and alive in that young pitcher's sinewy and majestic right arm. All of these things are true and real.


There you have it folks. Go Phils!

Phillyist

Well, this is my 100th post. I was going to write a bunch of crap to celebrate the occasion, but my blog-neglect continues. Instead this is merely a link to my latest Phillyist article.

I got some things in the pipeline, including some awesome playlists.

Please, gimme some more GAFABPs, I need em.

Also, if you see one of the GAFABPs I've already run on here up over there, don't blow up my spot. Shhhhh.

We'll have a 101st post extravaganza.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

Rainbows mean something now, Bible cartoon drawer.

Blah blah rain flood joke haha amirite? ha!

No but really, that was stupid.

Also the Phillies finished the regular season with the best record in baseball. That's pretty dope. You can imagine how happy this made me, considering I love the Phillies more than any person I've ever met in my life.

I made the important life decision that the new Guitar Hero was a good way to spend 100$ and most of my free time for the foreseeable. I think it was a wise decision.

Lookin good, 'be.

At one point, I was a pretty heroic video-game guitar player. I realized that I was good enough that onlookers might think "oh hey, he's pretty good at that, neat." Had I continued down my hero's-quest-journey, I would have gotten to the point that people would think "oh hey, he's really good at that game. Ew." We'll see how this goes.

FYI, my August water bill was twice as much as normal. You know, #incaseyouwerewondering.

As always, keep the playlists and GAFABPs rolling. I know I've been slacking on here, but I think I can blame you for that. Overheard this weekend, by me, to me (wait, that doesn't count as overheard, does it?): "So you're the Bad Person?"

Boo ya! Infamy is mine!

Good Advice From a Bad Person

It's Thursday at four, that means Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

Check it before you wreck it.

Maybe I'll see you jerks at the party tonight, I'll be the handsome one.

Alchemy

First up, everyone should go to this awesome shit tomorrow.
It's Phillyist's relaunch party, and it has a great theme and really, really good prizes. Plus it is at a really good bar. WHAT COULD BE BETTER. No question mark needed. Because it was rhetorical. And the answer is nothing.

I've been watching the second season of Fringe. It came out on DVD recently, and I kinda love it. Sure, it's baby X-Files, but hey, X-Files! PS X-Files is my favorite TV show of all time, not counting my other favorite TV shows of all time (Futurama, Friday Night Lights, Venture Brothers).

Science!

The Jersey Shore is known as "Macaroni Rascals" in Japan. Thank you Japan.

I really wish I hated Loveless by My Bloody Valentine, but I can't, because it's near perfect.

New tattoo imminent.

I want to go home.

Supercollider

Dear Tony,

I hate my boss. I know everyone hates their boss. All bosses suck, But, I REALLY HATE MY BOSS! I have daydreams about killing him and desicrating his body. He is utterly incompetent. As my direct supervisor I feel he should at least understand and be able to perform the same job duties I do, but he can barely tie his own shoe. I need a solution. I can not go over his head and complain, because that is just plain pathetic. What I am looking for is not exactly advice, but more like corporate sabotage ideas. How can I make his life as miserable as he makes mine? We work in the same office so I need to be super stealth ninja.

Thanks,

I Dream of Burning your Eyeballs Out with a Butane Torch

Hey! IDOBYEOWABT!

It's been a while, how have you been? Why don't any of my readers make their acronyms into words. I know you can. You can be clever, it's ok.

Bosses are the pits, that's why I don't have one. You should do this also. Lose the boss. But, since you probably aren't as skilled and ambitious as I am, you will always have a boss. Have you tried passing the buck? Do what he does--just delegate down, and blame your underlings. You DO have underlings, right? Everyone needs underlings.

But, for his transgressions, your velcro-shod boss needs his comeuppance. There are always the work related things, like sending your worst customers his way, you could do. This is a good place to start. You want him to be constantly stressed and frustrated. Also, one day at work, when you are leaving, unplug all the phones. How fun would that be? He misses every call for a few hours until he realizes what you did. His higher ups, demanding customers, employees calling out--he'll miss all these calls. Plus, you could totally blame the cleaning crew for that.

Second, take it home. Turn his out-of-work life into hell. Once he's all frustrated from your terrible customers and the phone snafu, he'll be dying to get some relaxation and love and support from his family. But he wont, because of you. These are my favorite things to do to ruin families:

-Send him pizzas. This is a very rudimentary trick, but the idea of sending someone an unwanted pizza is hilarious to me.
-Sign him up for every filthy catalog ever. Every sex toy, lingerie or mail order bride catalog should come to his house. His mailbox should be full of smutty offerings daily. You can go to their websites and sign anyone up. Possibly give him an embarrassing and dirty nick name. This will make his wife hate him.
-This is the best thing to do to someone you hate, use it wisely, it's a big one. The joys of craigslist are known by many--you can find a job, apartment, girlfriend, smelly couch--anything you want. Now you can also use it to ruin your boss's life. Navigate your way to the M4M casual encounters section. Find a picture on the internet that would appeal to someone cruising the M4M casual encounters section. Post his ad. His ad will be soliciting phone sex. Make sure you mention that you "don't have anytime for games" and that you want "hot studs to be ready to go as soon as I answer." Post the picture, post the ad, post his phone number. Home and work. Put it in as many cities as you can. Re post it. This will ruin his life and he will probably have to change his phone number and maybe get divorced. You win! That's what he gets for slightly annoying you.




I have some really good playlists in the works. Any ideas?

This weekend should be awesome. Although, it's my college's five year reunion. I am SO OLD. I don't think I'm going to that. "Blogger" just doesn't impress at reunions the way it should.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

It's Thursday and that means Phillyist ran another Good Advice From a Bad Person.

This one gets a little weird.

Sorry about that, cough medicine is a hell of a drug.

I know I've been neglecting you, but soon I'll regale you with tales of triumph and tragedy, peeing in bushes, playlists and lessons and life. Or something else.

Another Phillyist Sports Post

Another post of mine just went up over at Phillyist. It's a debate on Michael Vick v. Kevin "poop my pants" Kolb.

If you're into that sort of thing you might want to mosey on over there and check it out.

Also, gimme some GAFABPs for Phillyist this week!

Also, I hope you're enjoying this weather, I sure am (not, because I'm indoors way too much).

Bat Skeleton

"We count the days and the months and the years
When we could be counting the words and the thoughts and the ideas

So we're not all the same sum.
So we're measured correctly.

So the heighth and depth and breadth of it -

tell a tale of lives lived and not spent.

Tell a tale of lives lived and not spent. "




So blogger/spot was down yesterday, putting off this post where I am just going to throw a bunch of stuff at you because I think it has been all GAFABPs and Playlists lately.
So here's a bat skeleton.

Boo!

Pretty creepy. I was shocked how much bat skeletons look like human skeletons, and how creepy the wing structure is, like long devil fingers. I love it!

I am enjoying this seasonal change. I love fall, it's my favorite season. I've always had this romantic notion toward this season, but I don't know why. It's been around as long as I've been having romantic notions. I have romantic memories of things that never happened; hot chocolate and campfires, and hands in hands in coat pockets. Maybe this year.

Also Halloween is fast approaching, I'm taking advice on what my costume should be.

You guys need to get more involved, ooooh get me a GAFABP for Thursday's Phillyist. Try to make it about Philly. I am also working on another game for you guys, but I don't know if you'll get involved enough for it. Lazy bones.

Xpost

It's Thursday, that means Phillyist is running another one of my Good Advice From a Bad Person columns.

Go there to check it out!

Playlists

About due, wouldn't you say?

Use this one wisely, it could be dangerous.

A while back I made you a playlist to score some pretty hipster girls, now use this bad boy for a sexy hipster makeout sesh. You're welcome.

Yeah, yeah.

1. Glory Box - Portishead Starting this one off right. This is such a sexy song with it's mellow beat and smoky, tortured female vocals. This will work.
2. NYC - Interpol This whole album is perfect dim-light music. Dim lights are good for making out.
3. Svefn - G - Englar - Sigur Ros I know he's not really saying this, but the part when it sounds like he's singing "it's youuuuuuu" gets me every time.
4. Wear You Out - TV On The Radio I could probably find a TV on the Radio song for every list, but this album is nearly perfect and this is one sexy song.
5. When You Sleep - My Bloody Valentine Is it poor form to add a song from an album called Loveless? I don't care, this gets the job done.
6. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs I love this song way too much. And all these romantic-type weepy songs are probably making me look like a pussy. WANT TO ARM WRESTLE? Didn't think so. Back to the Shmaltz.
7. I'm Afraid of Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe - Murder by Death I'm a sucker for non-traditional rock instrumentation.
8. 6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps I think we're detecting a theme here. I also was advised against including Garbage.
9. The Prowl - Dan Auerbach Dirty, sexy and bluesy - plus it's called The Prowl.
10. Fade into You - Mazzy Star I couldn't resist. If you actually listen to the words, this song is really creepy and depressing. So don't.
11. Candy - Morphine That sax just works. Plus change one letter and sax is sex!
12. Rhinelander - Cougar Sometimes words just get in the way.
13. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I want - The Smiths I know, I know. But I couldn't help myself. Moz just knows!
14. Criminal - Fiona Apple Just play the whole album. Seriously. Especially if you are making out with me.


There it is, second base guaranteed or your money back.

We all got it coming, kid.

Sometimes at night I wake up and need to write something down. I keep a little notebook next to my bed and write down whatever fever dream is compelling me to document itself. Sometimes I'll write in the dark, with words overlapping, I'll write twice on the same page.

Earlier this week:

"Writing about myself is symptomatic of my anachronistic confidence and post-modern lack of modesty.

Maybe it's all just defiance. Maybe I'm rebelling against the egalitarian, social-socialism of the times. Maybe I can't stand the zeitgeist of gladness and revering the parity of everything. If I lived in a time of winners and losers, which I surely do not, would I push for the participant ribbons and yearn for special-olympian treatment for all? The confidence in me insists I wouldn't.

I will crash and cry but I will not crawl and cringe. Give me your sincerity and keep your approval. I don't need, want or ask for it. If you want mine, you're already out of luck."

"These are strays. These are dogs who have lost their way home when the rains came."




Ummmm, yeah. I guess 3AM is an intense time for me. I spared you most of it.

I guess I felt like I should put something on here, document something, with a little soul for once. It can't all be good advice and playlists, right?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

A weekend happened.

The Phillies left first, and now they're back again, and I am super stoked. I love the Phillies more than 99% of things in this world.

Also, the Eagles had their first game. It was a dog fight (pun half intended) and everyone got hurt/brain exploded. There was something a little magical about seeing an Eagles quarterback scramble and improvise and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN that reminded me of a certain QB EAGLES




Unlike EVERYONE ELSE EVER, I will spare you the travails and triumphs of my fantasy teams because NO ONE CARES AT ALL.

This weather couldn't be more perfect. Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I think it says a lot about people that they get so excited about the warmth in the spring, but don't appreciate the lingering warmth of fall. Fall is the best.


Can't Wait!

Hey, give me some ideas for a playlist, I feel like I haven't made one in a while, and I'd like to.

Phillyist!

The day is here my pretties.

My first Good Advice from a Bad Person is up over at Phillyist.

It's good to be me. The Phillies are in first place, I met Raul Ibanez last night and I count this as syndication.

Keep writing me awesome GAFABPs, and we can get them up over there where way more people will see the problems plaguing your lives!

Taste Lesson

Woah, long weekend. Sorry chumps.

By that I mean I worked all weekend and used the holiday as an excuse to neglect you, my little babies.

Dear Tony,

I have been taking Colloidal Silver for years now. It helps my body battle various one-celled bacteria fungi and other microorganisms. The occasional use has now developed into a full blown obsession. I mean I can't get enough of this stuff. The problem is, there is an odd side effect that I've noticed. My skin now has a bluish tint to it. I've looked into this and found out that I have Argyria, which is the grayish-bluish pigmentation of the whole body. So now I walk around with my Smurf-like skin with no help in site. Help me Tony...you're my only hope.

-Browne


Bam! A GAFABP out of no where, I keep you on your toes readers.

Well Browne (more like Bluee, amirite?!),

You sure are a crazy old man. I know that homespun health treatments based on conspiracy theories are always a good idea, and putting strange chemicals into your body seems flawless, but you've been burned.

Going back to taking a wacky cure-all tonic, snake-oil elixir from the early 20th century might seem like a great idea, but this one might not be your best bet. I haven't done any research on this, beyond thinking "Is it a good idea to put a solution of metal in my body that has been proven over and over to provide no benefit? No." But I do know that silver used to be used in photography. This is why you turned blue! You're like a giant underdeveloped picture! That's really funny to me. You turned blue! I love that. I think it is an appropriate punishment for stupidity to have your skin change colors.

You deserved it.

I guess I don't really have any advice here, beyond STOP BEING A CRAZY OLD MAN.

Thanks for writing!

Tony

Bam. Thanks for writing old man, hope you suckers enjoyed that GAFABP. Exciting news: you'll be getting another tomorrow, but not here!

Also these are awesome, feel free to buy them for me:


Buy me all three!

Read about them here.

Also if these taste half as good as they look, I want to eat 1,000 of them.

X-post

New sports (but this time more awesome) post by me up at Phillyist right now.

Get some!

GAFABP

Get Some! Advice, that is.

Also, to address some accusations, all of these letters are written by my readers. I have not written a single letter to myself. About this. These are all real! Or at least faked by other people.

Dear Tony,

I am a 37 year-old man semi-dating a 25 year-old girl; I say semi-dating because we are not exclusive in any way, we already had that talk, and I do not have the time to make that kind of commitment. I love spending time with her and even though she has romantic feelings for me, they are not mutual. She is a really sweet girl, kind, beautiful, and warm; I just don't have those feelings for her even though she is awesome as my friend. This is where it gets a little sticky; we are having lots of dirty awesome sex [by dirty I mean super super hot, not herpes/syphilis/gonorrhea soaked sex]. I think she still has feelings for me and expects me to be developing feelings for her; I'm just in it for the awesome sex! So here is my dilemma, eventually, she will want to have another talk about her stupid feelings, how do I let her down easy round 2 while still keeping the sex on the table? [And yeah we totally did it on the table...twice!]

-I Just Wanna Bang

IJWB,

Ok, first off, this letter makes me uncomfortable. It does not make me uncomfortable because it is about sex, it makes me uncomfortable because it is about ugly people having sex. Don't deny it, I can tell. First, ninety percent of 37 year-old men are ugly, it's an ugly time. Second, you're single. Third, you talk about sex, act like you've been there before, ya know? And finally, you're dating a 25 year-old. If you are ok with dating younger women, and you weren't ugly, you'd be dating a 21 year-old. Instead you settled for the past-her-prime, probably fat, desperate biological clocked girl. She's obviously ugly because she's dating you. Also you guys probably like nu metal.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way - the advice. First, stop being so gross. Really, you're creeping me out. Stop talking about sex. Second, quit acting so hard. I bet if this girl snapped out of her desperate haze and dumped you, you'd weep like a baby. I've seen it before.

If you really want advice on how to keep it as a fundamentally sex-only relationship without commitment, here's my advice to you. Just commit to her and bang other chicks. It won't be that much more work, and you can just cheat on her. You seem to be fairly unscrupulous anyway, so this shouldn't be a problem for you. She really won't catch on. If she's stupid enough to be in a sex-only relationship with an ugly 37 year-old, she's stupid enough to not catch on. Also, even if she does catch on, she will believe your lies about it and live in denial for at least a few months. Fair warning though - she will gain weight, become way more annoying and probably nag you when you do "commit" to her.

Also, really, gross.

Keep the dream alive,

Tony

P.S. Chillllll with the semicolons already.

Big Time.

My first post just went live over at Phillyist.

Check it out!

I know it's a boring sports piece, but hey, Shakespeare's got to get paid.

I've been sitting on a few GAFABPs, so expect those in your near future. I'm also planning a life and times of Nyjer Morgan opus.

News.

Phillyist returns today. Now with more ME!

The ALOUTRANCE HQ.

Busy Busy.

So write me GAFABPs ASAP and you might see your letter on Phillyist! How cool would that be?

In other news, I just puked.

GAFABP

A GAFABP - on a Monday? Yes. Deal with it.

Dear Tony,

I am a super hot 20-something living in the city, all the men who look at me are too nervous to come and talk to me, probably because of all the hotness exuding from my pores. My question is this: what can I do to turn down all this hotness so I can get a date? I definitely didn't attach a picture to this because I do not want to date you Tony, even though I thoroughly enjoy your blog.

Love,

Super Hot Girl

Thanks for writing SHG,

To my readers: she is lying. She does want to date me.

To you, Super Hot Girl, I can offer this modest advice. First, you probably want to talk about less things "exuding from your pores" because that's gross. No one wants to think about pores or things coming out of them or any of that such stuff. Leave that alone.

Second, are you sure it is your hotness that is deflecting potential suitors? Are you sure you aren't ugly? That might be it. You very well could be ugly. Nothing is worse than a girl who thinks she's hotter than she is. I developed a formula for this.

Hp-H=T or, Self-Perceived hotness minus actual hotness equals how much Tony is going to want to hit on you. Your score here should be negative for best results. Nothing is better than a girl who is hotter than she thinks she is. This is where dudes can get some real value. Any girl with a score of two or above in this formula is not worth your time and should be ignored and belittled until their perceived hotness drops to acceptable levels.

If this isn't the case, and you are actually super hot, then enjoy it. There are so few of us. Just keep being hot, someone will man up and date you - I promise.

I hope this helps,

Tony

Playlists

Today's playlist is simple enough - cover songs better than the originals. I'm going to try to leave out the obvious ones, and the ones that have no business being on this list. As always, I'm going to make a playlist of songs that I would want to listen to.

Get it! Pennsylvania!

1. I Don't Wanna Grow Up - The Ramones This is what a cover should be, it shows what is great about both bands. Tom Waits' world class songwriting translates to ANY band, and the Ramones' pop-infused punk handles it so well.
2. Under my Thumb - Social Distortion Great song, great cover. The cover brings something new to the table, while still delivering on the original's promise. Take that, girl!
3. Kick Out the Jams - Bad Brains This one is violating the playlist a little, it is not better than the original, because I don't know if any song is. But! I couldn't resist putting Bad Brains WITH Henry Rollins covering the greatest song of all time on the list. Apologies to American Nightmare and Rage Against the Machine (whose version is very disappointing).
4. Tears of a Clown - The Beat I love this version of Smokey Robinson's classic because it takes it in a completely different direction, but somehow still manages to pull off the sentiment.
5. Mr. Grieves - TV on the Radio An a capella version of a Pixies song by one of today's most talented bands.
6. Pink Houses - Avail I had to. This song means a lot to me.
7. 99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger Is this a guilty pleasure? I don't care, this is a great song.
8. Ain't no Sunshine - Wovenhand The man behind 16 Horsepower takes one of my favorite songs of all time and makes it spooky and tidal.
9. Easy - Faith No More This one is a little obvious, but Mike Patton destroying Lionel Richie deserves a spot on my list.
10. Lights Out - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones The Bosstones covering the Angry Samoans classic about poking your eyes out.
11. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage I enjoy this song too much.
12. Like a Prayer - H2O I added this if only for my memories of dudes in basketball jersey circle pitting and singing along to Madonna.
13. Chesterfield King - Face to Face I love their whole covers album (Standards and Practices), but this is my favorite, and the one they execute best.

GAFABP

Back in the saddle! Also have some exciting news for you fools, stay tuned.

Good Advice from a Bad Person! Hooray!

Dear Tony,

Often times at work I have to deal with old, crotchety people on the phone who are dealing with computer issues. 98% of the time, these issues are due to their own incompetence. How would you recommend telling these self-centered geriatrics to go fuck themselves without saying something that would get me fired? Also, I have a voice that makes me sound like kind of a dick...and I tend to tear people down who are even slightly wrong...and I don't like anybody. Help?

Kisses,

Whisper-screaming "Fuck" Loudly When I Hang Up Every Phone Call

Well W-S"F"LWIHUEPC,

If your letter taught me one thing - it's that my readers have a common enemy - the olds. Olds continue to be a blight on my readership, frustrating and terrorizing the gentlefolk who love my blog.

All of my old advice (smiling and nodding, taking comfort in their impending deaths) still applies.

But, I can't leave it at that. You need some personalized, special advice. First off, your voice should make you sound like a dick. This is ok. This is probably because you are better than most people you talk to, and your subtle inflection and diction should convey this. Don't stop. Don't you ever stop.

Tearing people down who are even slightly wrong is a good thing. You are an advanced student already. People who are wrong need to know it, tearing them down works, as does belittling them and simply chortling so they draw their own conclusions about their personal ineptitude.

You don't like anybody? Join the club! Anybody sucks.

On to the advice. Since you're not smart and/or skilled enough to not have a job where you have to talk olds through the nuances of double-clicking vs. single-clicking, quitting would seem to be out. What you have to remember is that old people are easily confused and misdirected. You could probably tell most of them to go fuck themselves without getting in trouble as long as you immediately change the subject to something old friendly. I suggest bananas or coupons.

An example

Old: "Waaaah I'm a shitty old crone and it's your fault I can't comprehend basic functions of a machine that has been around for almost twenty years waaaah"
You: "Go fuck yourself you crotchety dustfucker"
Old: "Waaaaaah what's that? Speak up"
You: "Holy Toledo! Bananas are on special at Safeway this week, I bet you could annoy their underpaid manager into giving you a few free ones if you start to talk about your colostomy bag!"
Old: "Waaah what a great idea! Thanks for the tip! I will now offer you some disgusting candy nobody eats except shitty old people as long as you sit through some super long rambling story about things that have nothing to do with each other."
You: "Go fuck yourself"

Do all of this,

Tony


Despite being able to do this, this guy still shits his pants daily.