Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Ummmm
Before I get to anything else I thought this might make your head explode. Also how is this the first time I'm tagging a post "Star Wars"?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Weekend Rodeo Roundup
Kind of a new direction with the WRR, I think it's too personalizing and pedantic to tell you about my weekend. Let's keep that curtain drawn. On (completely contrary to) that note, here is an awesome trivial point about my day. A rock fell from a dump truck and broke my windshield today. Sweet.
TOO SEXY! SFW f'real though
So this girl gets fired for being "too sexy." Which, if true, is awful - and thanks to the hard hitting journalism of CBS, you can decide for yourself with their 37 picture spread of her work outfits and dorky poses. I got through about eight. Thanks CBS. NB if she was fired for being "too sexy" that's obviously crap. On the other hand, she probably only got the job for being sexy and is wildly under qualified. Which she basically admits to. I wanted more training I swear! I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way! Back in my day girls like this had a place in the office. As a secretary. Nice to look at but don't get too close to that glass ceiling. This little Titcarus flew too close to the sun it sounds like. Or the bank is a massive, evil corporation who fired this independent Beyonce of a woman. Either way.
iFail
iPhone network craps the bed in the new phone's keynote. Apple fanboys everywhere praise the iPhone's new patience building ap. Loved how he just showed off pictures after that. And people clapped. Because pictures looked slightly better on a phone that is four years newer. Culty. Dude in the audience brings a good burn with about 10 seconds left in the clip though.
this made my day.
spelling is hard :(
Well, I see their point. Spelling is hard. But on the other hand, you're a moron.
TOO SEXY! SFW f'real though
So this girl gets fired for being "too sexy." Which, if true, is awful - and thanks to the hard hitting journalism of CBS, you can decide for yourself with their 37 picture spread of her work outfits and dorky poses. I got through about eight. Thanks CBS. NB if she was fired for being "too sexy" that's obviously crap. On the other hand, she probably only got the job for being sexy and is wildly under qualified. Which she basically admits to. I wanted more training I swear! I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way! Back in my day girls like this had a place in the office. As a secretary. Nice to look at but don't get too close to that glass ceiling. This little Titcarus flew too close to the sun it sounds like. Or the bank is a massive, evil corporation who fired this independent Beyonce of a woman. Either way.
iFail
iPhone network craps the bed in the new phone's keynote. Apple fanboys everywhere praise the iPhone's new patience building ap. Loved how he just showed off pictures after that. And people clapped. Because pictures looked slightly better on a phone that is four years newer. Culty. Dude in the audience brings a good burn with about 10 seconds left in the clip though.
this made my day.
spelling is hard :(
Well, I see their point. Spelling is hard. But on the other hand, you're a moron.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Good Advice from a Bad Person
It's happening. Get ready. Also here's some general advice: Stop burning your house down, bring me pizza, get a haircut, hippie.
Dear Tony,
During the course of my work week I frequently have to speak with and assist the elderly, both in person and over the phone. I have no patience for old decaying fucks. These senile old bags come in here stinking like moth balls and dirty Depends making me gag and forcing me to choke down my own vomit. They head straight for the free coffee and pastries with their dirty poop hands, most likely spreading E. Coli all over everything. They sit at my desk asking me questions they already know the answer to (or could easily find the answer to if they only had a clue what the fucking internet was) and telling me to speak loudly because their hearing aid battery is probably dead or they have too much wax buildup. They tell me I should be disappointed in myself, because the economy is in the shitter and this isn't 1919, so they aren't getting a 20% rate on their savings. So I sit there screaming in these old crones' faces, my throat heaving and my mouth salivating, all the while imagining how to kill myself in creative ways before the age of 50. There are also the deaf bastards that call, after yelling at me because we aren't listed in the phone book (why haven't they heard of GOOGLE?) they start asking the same questions, bitching about the same shit, refusing to listen to me, telling me to speak louder and before i know it I've lost my voice and my staff is laughing so hard they need Depends. Needless to say, I need some advice on how to better cope with these geriatrics on a daily basis that doesn't involve a bottle of cheap whiskey in my desk drawer or a handgun. Remember this isn't 1919.
Sincerely,
Honey I'll be in the Garage, Don't Open the Door.
Dear HIBITGDOTD,
I'll start with a quote from the great Moe Szyslak - "Old people are no good at everything." While Moe's sage wisdom is a great catchall for your, and my, feelings on the elderly, it isn't really true. They are very good at a few things. Smelling weird, hobbling, taking a really long time doing anything and mostly complaining. You'd probably complain about everything too if your pants were full of dump and your parts didn't work. Alas, this is a flimsy and unacceptable excuse for their behavior.
I have always supported a "send old people to Canada" platform. Canada would love them! They would love Canada! They are both so quaint. One wears funny hats the other IS a funny hat. I love this idea.
Until that glorious day, we need to deal with them. Well, I don't really because I don't have a retail job - but you do. So here's my advice. Smile and nod, ask about their grandkids, don't balk at their archaic racism and unplug their life support. Or take solace in the fact that one day you will be able to walk around smelling like a French whorehouse covering the scent of your banana mush lunch that you have crapped into your pants and complain about everything. One day you too will be able to kvetch about prices of bean curd, strike strange children in public and get discounts on the bus. Enjoy!
Keep up the good work,
Tony
Dear Tony,
During the course of my work week I frequently have to speak with and assist the elderly, both in person and over the phone. I have no patience for old decaying fucks. These senile old bags come in here stinking like moth balls and dirty Depends making me gag and forcing me to choke down my own vomit. They head straight for the free coffee and pastries with their dirty poop hands, most likely spreading E. Coli all over everything. They sit at my desk asking me questions they already know the answer to (or could easily find the answer to if they only had a clue what the fucking internet was) and telling me to speak loudly because their hearing aid battery is probably dead or they have too much wax buildup. They tell me I should be disappointed in myself, because the economy is in the shitter and this isn't 1919, so they aren't getting a 20% rate on their savings. So I sit there screaming in these old crones' faces, my throat heaving and my mouth salivating, all the while imagining how to kill myself in creative ways before the age of 50. There are also the deaf bastards that call, after yelling at me because we aren't listed in the phone book (why haven't they heard of GOOGLE?) they start asking the same questions, bitching about the same shit, refusing to listen to me, telling me to speak louder and before i know it I've lost my voice and my staff is laughing so hard they need Depends. Needless to say, I need some advice on how to better cope with these geriatrics on a daily basis that doesn't involve a bottle of cheap whiskey in my desk drawer or a handgun. Remember this isn't 1919.
Sincerely,
Honey I'll be in the Garage, Don't Open the Door.
Dear HIBITGDOTD,
I'll start with a quote from the great Moe Szyslak - "Old people are no good at everything." While Moe's sage wisdom is a great catchall for your, and my, feelings on the elderly, it isn't really true. They are very good at a few things. Smelling weird, hobbling, taking a really long time doing anything and mostly complaining. You'd probably complain about everything too if your pants were full of dump and your parts didn't work. Alas, this is a flimsy and unacceptable excuse for their behavior.
I have always supported a "send old people to Canada" platform. Canada would love them! They would love Canada! They are both so quaint. One wears funny hats the other IS a funny hat. I love this idea.
Until that glorious day, we need to deal with them. Well, I don't really because I don't have a retail job - but you do. So here's my advice. Smile and nod, ask about their grandkids, don't balk at their archaic racism and unplug their life support. Or take solace in the fact that one day you will be able to walk around smelling like a French whorehouse covering the scent of your banana mush lunch that you have crapped into your pants and complain about everything. One day you too will be able to kvetch about prices of bean curd, strike strange children in public and get discounts on the bus. Enjoy!
Keep up the good work,
Tony
Thursday Taste Lesson
...on a Friday! Lucky you!
Let's just do a photo essay of things I recommend?
yum!
obviously a descendant of Thor. Go Flyers!
Best.
Shop here.
Read this!
I'll say a word about this last one.
A few Christmases ago this book was given to me as a gift. I never read it - sorry gift giver! - until recently. I was missing out. I was really impressed by this book. It really stands out amongst the spate of the cynical, pandering modern fiction wunderkind. This book is terrifying. Not scary in the boo! or serial killer kind of way, but in the heartbreaking "wow life really ruins people" kind of way. It is a collection of short stories and the titular novella. All of the stories are about a character in some Americana tragedy. Very quick read, very effecting read. Read it! and this, read this blog a lot. Hopefully back later with some GAFABP.
Also I think someone is playing Marco Polo outside my apartment.
Let's just do a photo essay of things I recommend?
yum!
obviously a descendant of Thor. Go Flyers!
Best.
Shop here.
Read this!
I'll say a word about this last one.
A few Christmases ago this book was given to me as a gift. I never read it - sorry gift giver! - until recently. I was missing out. I was really impressed by this book. It really stands out amongst the spate of the cynical, pandering modern fiction wunderkind. This book is terrifying. Not scary in the boo! or serial killer kind of way, but in the heartbreaking "wow life really ruins people" kind of way. It is a collection of short stories and the titular novella. All of the stories are about a character in some Americana tragedy. Very quick read, very effecting read. Read it! and this, read this blog a lot. Hopefully back later with some GAFABP.
Also I think someone is playing Marco Polo outside my apartment.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater
Here's today's beef. Names. I caught a list of the most popular baby names of 2009. THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE. Stop naming your babies stupid things. Here are some names from the top 25 for boys: Ethan, Noah, Jacob, Aiden, Logan, Jayden, Liam, Tyler, Gavin, Lucas, Evan, Mason, Dylan and Caleb. Ok look at that list of names. Are any of those the name of a good dude? No. Are they the names of douchebags, pansies and assholes? Yes. The only good name in the top 25 was Jack, and that's not even a real name. The girls are even worse: Isabella is number one. Really? After Twilight? Way to go, dummies. Also Madison, Abigail, Addison, Avery, Hailey, Riley. Those are porn star names, fyi parents. Down the list it gets even trashier and stupider. Names like Colton, Carson, Cooper, Tristan, Parker, Hayden, CHARLIE, Blake, Cadence?, Markenna, Jada, Kennedy - are all in the top 100. Really? There are human beings named these things? I fear for the future.
Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.
Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook
Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?
Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.
Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook
Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?
Weekend Rodeo Roundup
An extra weekend day. Always great. Except when you work on holidays. Then it's less great.
Friday
Friday's have gotten a little routine for me. Work late and take it easy. That has been the plan the last few weeks. Meh.
Saturday
Holidayday. Barbecue, meat, yard games, watching sports. Everything you'd expect from the Memorial Day weekend Saturday. It was fun. Nothing too wild, met some grownups I didn't know, which always makes me a little anxious - even if I had no reason to be. I didn't have to impress these grownups or anything, it still always makes me a little nervous though.
Sunday
Monster Dragon. Went to the track to watch some Harness racing on Sunday. It had been a while since I had been to a track. I always forget just how terrifying some of the people who go to watch horses race each other are. I always enjoy myself though - I love gambling. Went up and met the guy who announces the races, he was certainly "quirky".
Monday
Bonus blog day. Monday I worked, because I didn't have off like most people. But I did cut out early. I went to my sister's place to take care of her EIGHT cats. That's too many cats for non-crazy people to have. Half are temporary to be fair, but still. The kittens were adorable, as to be expected. Went to a barbecue after that, watched the Flyers lose. And now here we are on a rainy Tuesday that feels like a rainy Monday. And this whole thing is boring as sin. Sorry readers. I'll be back later with a little TART slash DOAH. Maybe.
Friday
Friday's have gotten a little routine for me. Work late and take it easy. That has been the plan the last few weeks. Meh.
Saturday
Holidayday. Barbecue, meat, yard games, watching sports. Everything you'd expect from the Memorial Day weekend Saturday. It was fun. Nothing too wild, met some grownups I didn't know, which always makes me a little anxious - even if I had no reason to be. I didn't have to impress these grownups or anything, it still always makes me a little nervous though.
Sunday
Monster Dragon. Went to the track to watch some Harness racing on Sunday. It had been a while since I had been to a track. I always forget just how terrifying some of the people who go to watch horses race each other are. I always enjoy myself though - I love gambling. Went up and met the guy who announces the races, he was certainly "quirky".
Monday
Bonus blog day. Monday I worked, because I didn't have off like most people. But I did cut out early. I went to my sister's place to take care of her EIGHT cats. That's too many cats for non-crazy people to have. Half are temporary to be fair, but still. The kittens were adorable, as to be expected. Went to a barbecue after that, watched the Flyers lose. And now here we are on a rainy Tuesday that feels like a rainy Monday. And this whole thing is boring as sin. Sorry readers. I'll be back later with a little TART slash DOAH. Maybe.
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