Here's today's beef. Names. I caught a list of the most popular baby names of 2009. THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE. Stop naming your babies stupid things. Here are some names from the top 25 for boys: Ethan, Noah, Jacob, Aiden, Logan, Jayden, Liam, Tyler, Gavin, Lucas, Evan, Mason, Dylan and Caleb. Ok look at that list of names. Are any of those the name of a good dude? No. Are they the names of douchebags, pansies and assholes? Yes. The only good name in the top 25 was Jack, and that's not even a real name. The girls are even worse: Isabella is number one. Really? After Twilight? Way to go, dummies. Also Madison, Abigail, Addison, Avery, Hailey, Riley. Those are porn star names, fyi parents. Down the list it gets even trashier and stupider. Names like Colton, Carson, Cooper, Tristan, Parker, Hayden, CHARLIE, Blake, Cadence?, Markenna, Jada, Kennedy - are all in the top 100. Really? There are human beings named these things? I fear for the future.
Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.
Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook
Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?
I named my son Brendan...pretty normal name.
ReplyDeleteProbably should have gone with Nemesis Enforcer. But Brendan works.
ReplyDeleteLiam Neilson? He's a muthafuckin' boss.
ReplyDeleteYeah but he's a 60 year old Irish dude, she he's allowed to be named Liam. Also I call him Qui-gon
ReplyDeleteMy niece is named Addison but she's cute as fuck & related to me so, we're good.
ReplyDeleteFor your list of future names you forgot Gideon. Asshat.
don't think i could've got Jenny to go with Nemesis Enforcer no matter how hard i tried.
ReplyDeleteFake-named Jack is going to poop all over your comment board. Also, you should probably name your first son Antoine Walker.
ReplyDeleteYour name isn't Jack like my name isn't Tony. Get it? I think I'll name my son Evel.
ReplyDeleteWho's Anthony? Who's Anthony?
ReplyDeleteMy drummer.
Thank you. Anything that can make me picture mike myers in his underwear is a good thing.
ReplyDelete