GAFABP

Another Friday, another comedy gold mine. This column was a really good idea. By me.

First up, not really a letter sent to me, but a snippet of conversation.

Who is Krang?
signed a person who is very important to you

Dear person whose importance to me I am questioning,

This is the most disgusted I've ever been with you

Love,
Tony.
and Krang.



Dear Tony,
What do you think we can do about the oil spill? I am so sad and angry and scared for our endangered wildlife.
-Tony Hayward

PS I hope you don't just make it mean and say it is not a big deal because it really is sad and important. Like how you say recycling is fake.

Well, TH

My first inclination here is to say, "fuck 'em." What kind of animals are even in the gulf? I know they don't have seals there. Seals are cute, they always get the good shots on the news when they are all oily. Pelicans? Fish? Nobody cares about fish. But, since you took the time to write, I will take the time to craft a more nuanced response than my first impression.

I think this is good news for fish. First of all, black is slimming. Second of all, being shiny is cool. It's like they have permanent leather jackets now! How cool is that. Lucky them. Also, I think it will help them survive - I think this oil spill might be their ticket off the endangered species list. Oil is nature's defense mechanism. Sharks aren't going to eat them now. A) oil tastes bad B) oil is slippery. Now they are way harder to catch and if they are caught, they probably won't get eaten by a shark because we all know sharks don't like to eat fossil fuels. This is a pretty big win-win scenario. Except for sharks. They are the real victims here.

Thanks BP, for making fish cooler and harder for sharks to eat. You're a hero.

I feel better already,
Tony