Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater / Shut up

Hey! Remember the 80s?!

Yep, still looks dumb

Yeah, me neither. Probably because I was five when they were effectively over. Just like you were if you're under the age of 28. You must have been the coolest two year old ever if you remember dancing to Cyndi Lauper and crushing on Billy Idol. I never understood this invented nostalgia for something people were never a part of. Maybe you're just nostalgic for nostalgic VH1 shows. OMG I LOVE THE 80s! Ok, that's fine, if not misguided and proof of horrible taste, but you weren't there.

You know what your coming of age music was? Silverchair not Poison. Maybe some Whitney Houston, certainly no Tiffany. Crash Test Dummies, not Mr. Big. I don't get it. Are you that stupid that because TV told you you were there, you really think that? Do you have fake memories of leg warmers and Ronald Reagan?

Verrrrry hard to driiiink

For a while it was just fake nostalgia, 80's parties and stupid facebook groups. But now, it's "retro" and some of these horrible staples are creeping back in. Hipsters are wearing acid wash jeans and over sized shirts and those horrible sunglasses. These GODAWFUL "screamo" bands all have the neon colored shirts and logos. Wait, hold on, hate break. These bands, these "screamo" bands are so terrible and offensive to anyone with any musical taste, they need to die in a fire. They play horrible, lowest-common-denominator pop music, throw in a couple screams and that's it. I am old, but I am not wrong.

This might be even worse than the actual 80's. Impressive

Back to previous hate. This really stoked up my ire for two reasons. Sure, some cool stuff happened in the 80's, like Return of the Jedi and the USSR crapping its bed, but, for the most part, it was horrible then and it's even worse now. We should know better. And also you weren't there. Be glad you weren't. The 80's were full of morons, be your own kind of moron for the 10's.

Tuesday Stand In

More Tool Time today at the HQ, so I'm pushing back TAR/DOAH. But this time I have an excuse! Here are some awesome things to get you through it though.

Science is AWESOME

Some awesome scientific theories and facts to blow your mindhole.






ZAP!

This is pretty awesome. Songs that should be comic books.






This is an awesome video featuring a new Holy-Grail toy: Monster AT-AT awesomeness


See you tomorrow dirty dogs.

EDIT: I actually think the AT-AT in the video is one of the old ones. Jesus, I am such a nerd.

Cough Cough Rodeo Round Up

That went by quick. I was sick for most of it. Coughcoughcoughcough.

Some stuff happened that doesn't need more than the following: more oil, more bzzzzzzzzzzzzsoccerbrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzz, more blah blah.

Then some interesting stuff!

Quotes of the weekend
"Some people poop on their own heads!" - sage wisdom from my friend's father
"You're a freakin' pirate and I'm a freakin' Jesus!" - some sort of comeback from an extremely drunk Irishman in the bar last night. At one point he ordered "A Hoegarden, a shot of rumplemintz, a martini and a glass of red wine, please."

The Supreme Court did some Supreme Courtin'. "Hey Chicago, you aren't allowed to take stuff out of the constitution" was their take.



Pew pew!

Maybe I've watched too many (all) episodes of the X-Files, but I stumbled across this story of a decades old murder mystery and found it pretty fascinating. Gets really interesting about halfway down.

Whodunit!

Also, I'm not going to gloat and post stories of the iPhone 4's many many failures. But! I will post this comical picture:

Jobsy demonstrates how to get full reception on the new iPhone

In a story that interests me mostly because it got the Phillies three extra home games, smelly indignant rich kids protested some nebulous concept of "the man" this weekend. Sweet balaclava, bro. Also Toronto is getting all scardey about some protests that our sporting championship "celebrations" make look like a tea party. No, not that kind of Tea Party. Hey Canada, you'll be ok, I promise. Che Guevara is spinning in his grave.



God forbid we find out your identity you righteous class warrior! We might have to subpoena your library records because you're such a violent revolutionary! But now we can't because you have on that bandana. Oh, nevermind, we'll just ask that guy right behind you in the tank top and sandals who just went grocery shopping. He's taking up arms with you! Or the girl who is learning how to ride a bike. They look dangerous.


This is my first remote blogging. Get stoked. I had to relocate for some upgrades at the ALOUTRANCE HQ. You know, more blogger friendly windows are being installed. A minor inconvenience, and not enough to keep me from bringing you this half assed update.

Alright, stay clean.

GAFABP

No letters this week, except for the first few words of one. So here's my advice: Write me whole letters.

I'm taking a sick day anyway - who gets a cold in the summertime? DUMB.

Enjoy these photos today, and throughout the weekend.











Also, this is awesome. Play it.

Play me!

Addendum

This is the greatest picture of all time. Even better than this one



Just found out that "The Boys", which I recommended earlier, is being made into a movie. Today's lesson: If you want your graphic novel made into a movie, have me read it. Also: Please make this work for Preacher, thanks.

AND! Today's Bitch of the Day!

The power went out today from those wicked thunderstorms that rolled through. I live next to a nail salon. Where I moonlight. Ok, only the first part of that is true. Anyway - so my power's out, their power's out. That didn't stop some wobbling main-line troll from getting her nails done. "I don't care if you have to dry my finger and toe nails with one of those old fashioned paper fans! I can't miss this appointment, my Pomeranian needs to get to the groomer!" I imagine her shouting. Being ever industrious and kind, the nail workers obliged. They fanned her freshly painted hand and feet sausages with old fashioned paper fans. Way to go lady! You're the bitch of the day.

Thursday Taste Lesson

Heyyyy the Indians, stop running into walls, dummies.

Holy crap it is hot today. First day I am running the A/C in my living room. My job shouldn't be sweat inducing.

I wish Whole Foods was open 24 hours, so I could go in there late at night to avoid the murderous desires that place's customers inspire in me. Get out of the way. Seriously. Don't chat in the foyer. If you're talking to your five year old's tennis coach in an aisle, don't stand abreast of your cart full of free-range bee honey and 80$ dog food so I can't get to my delicious hummus. I hope you choke on your vegan free trade naan and clif bars.

On to the suggestions!

First up - the new iPhone.



Just kidding. Enjoy your line, suckers.

I'm gonna keep it real today. Nerds, get stoked - today's suggestions are for you.

Comic books!



Everyone is getting all excited for the Michael Cera acted, Edgar Wright directed movie due this summer. Which does look awesome, but if you are planning on seeing the movie I highly recommend reading the books too. They are awesome and unique. They are the funniest comics I've ever read and really appeal to nerds like me. They are cheap and short and fun to read. Do it!



This is Garth Ennis' current project. Everything he writes is brilliant. Preacher might be the greatest self-contained comic ever and his Punisher stories are the peak of that run. "The Boys" is basically a satire, a scathing one at that, of super heroes. It's gory and dramatic and funny and refreshing. It's also where I got the name of this blog.





I am currently re-reading this. Which is almost necessary with this book. Calvino's challenging the novel structure again with this one with really charming results. It's a somewhat tricky read, considering every other chapter is basically from a different book, but worth it. He writes very well, it's a light read with an excellent rhythm. The book feels complete and connected - it flows - which is a testament to his skill as a writer of a book which should come off as a disjointed mess. What Calvino shows here is that there is a lot more to connecting with a reader and story telling than just story telling.




All of these games are way too much fun. I play them more than any of my other video games. Immensely replayable and curiously addictive, everyone loves Katamari. Plus it has the best soundtrack of any video game ever.

Well, there you go nerds. Enjoy.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

Hey, nice goal USA - but seriously if this makes more people name their sons Landon, it'll be for naught. Why not Lando? Lando>Landon. When I get rich, I'm buying some professional sports team, moving them to Florida and renaming them the Orlando Calrissians. They will be the best team ever and wear purple capes. The end.

Baron Administrator? I think you mean Space Pimp.

You know what I don't hate? Finally having a phone that works. Android for life! Android>iOS

Awwww

Heyyyy everybody, be better at driving please. Those lines painted on the ground? Park between them. Not just near them, or on them. I know you can't really drive that massive SUV your Dentist husband bought for you so you wouldn't have to be seen in a minivan, but please, try to keep it between the lines. And yo, bro, I know that's a beemer and all, but put it in a spot. I know you're in a hurry, as evidenced by your bluetooth conversation, but putting your hazards on out front to grab your quad iced venti non-fat two pump sugar free vanilla caramel macchiato is not an acceptable excuse.

There are bad drivers everywhere, but most girls are mostly bad. I've noticed recently this driving strategy a lot of girls have adopted. Was there a driving lesson episode of Sex & the City or something? Are these instructions stitched inside Ugg Boots? HOW DID SO MANY GIRLS LEARN THE SAME SHITTY WAY TO DRIVE?

Alright, here's the technique - See that car in front of you? get as close as you can. Not to pass them, just to follow them. Get as close as you can with that stupid lei hanging off your rear view and just stay there. So many girls do this. I've had them behind me, in their Eclipse, with a Roxy sticker, checking their hair in their rearview mirror which is pointed at them and not the road, getting way too close. So, my natural reaction when a car comes up quickly behind me is to just scoot out of the way and let them pass. BUT THEY DON'T PASS. You change lanes and then they just hang there, where you left them, lost. Left to their own devices, with no car to follow, they don't know what to do. Their dopey cars just hanging there in the left lane, with them inside making the face a dog makes when you ask it a math problem.


Wait, what?

Why do they all do this? How did so many girls learn to drive this way? It's baffling.



Hey ladies, stick to the hoods.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

First thing on my platter today is my weekly dose of what I like to call "horrible future." Once in a while something happens which makes me realize that my days of wearing spiked shoulder pads, driving around in a modified 1980's muscle car, killing my own food, wearing a shotgun (I originally typed that as shotfun - best typo ever) at all times and never cutting my beard again aren't as far away as I thought. The end is nigh. Yesterday I went down to the delicious little ice cream stand for a summery treat. As I was standing in the way-too-long line, I couldn't help but overhear all the poor parenting, vapid gossip and braindead blah blah going on around me. But! one thing rang out like a shot, and made me shudder. A young couple behind me, probably about my age, were waiting with their rambunctious and plucky two or three year old daughter. As is par for the course anymore, the girl was running around maniacally and crashing into my legs. About ten minutes after they should have, I heard her parents trying to gently reign her in - they said "Audrina, calm down honey, you'll get your ice cream soon" ... Audrina. The kid's name is Audrina. People are naming their children after characters on MTV faux-reality shows. Get your supplies, apocalypse can't be far now.


On to your links!

Glad they finally cracked this case.

Police have finally cracked this condiment case. This crazy old woman was dumping condiments in book drops. I guess she hates books? Or she's just insane? Either way, it took police a year to catch her. She must be wily.

Baseball Gaga

After flipping off Mets fans earlier this month, Lady Gaga traipsed her curiously talented tranny ass into the Yankee's locker room after a loss last week. I bet this was A-Rod's doing, his "fling" with Madonna last year proved his penchant for annoying pop starlets who look like dudes.

I told you the apocalypse was coming!

Beer pong is now a paying talent to have. Whoever wins the 25,000 dollar top prize can now begin paying back their parents for their hilariously misnamed education. I told you communications was a lucrative major!

I can't find a link, but I also heard about a Zappos customer service call last week. A woman and her dead-inside husband called the online shoe giant looking for a pair of boots. The woman, who will obviously die alone and unfulfilled, saw a pair of boots she absolutely had to have in a made-for-TV Lifetime movie. It took the customer service rep, who should be pitied and wept for, FIVE AND A HALF HOURS to track down the boots she was looking for. This woman had a five and half hour phone call looking for a specific pair of boots she saw in a Lifetime movie. Hey, sweet life dude.

After all of this, I really hope you heed my advice and prepare yourself for the coming Rapture. Enjoy!

Thursday Taste Lesson

So I've done my beefing with the green movement recently, so I wanted to give you some of my favorite green characters. First up, the forgotten benefactor of humanity, Norman Borlaug.



Best Dude Ever

That there's a link to his Wiki page. This fella here used his Ph.D. in plant pathology and genetics to develop disease resistant strains of high yield crops in third world countries. People have said that his work has saved ONE BILLION lives. One billion. How many you got, Al Gore

Another favorite of mine, Julian Simon, the Doom Slayer


Ok enough green. Here's some other awesome stuff.




An awesome magazine. One of three I subscribe to along with Wired and Dwell. I recommend all three!



Another George Saunders collection I enjoyed. Just finished it last night. Not quite as good as Civilwarland in bad Decline, but a quick, enjoyable read none the less.





Geekologie, one of the few blogs I check daily.


Well that's it. Enjoy my recommendations and become a better person for them. You're welcome.

Gimme some GAFABPs for tomorrow!

Terrifying/Awesome

Pull the plug!

First Chess, now Jeopardy? Yikes!

This is very impressive. When you think about what kind of computing is actually going on here, it is kind of mind blowing.



Be back later with TTL.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

I think it'd be a little obvious to hate on the World Cup today.

Caleb and Tristan love soccer. Everybody wins!

Sure, soccer as a whole is pretty make-fun-able, and this year's World Cup has been pretty terrible too - ties everywhere, super soft goals and that horrible horn. But! I'm going to dodge that easy target and take on something that doesn't basically ridicule itself just by shitting the bed in its biggest stage.

You got lucky this time, soccer.

Someone recently tipped me off to a phenomenon (used loosely) known as bros icing bros. I will not dignify it with a link. Basically douchebag A leaves crappy bottle of booze for douchebag B - who is forced, through some code of bro-ness, to drink said bottle. On one knee, in some homoerotic tribute to douchebag A, douchebag B chugs the bottle.

Really, fellas? I guess this is some form of humiliation. As a "bro" chugs the perceived feminine bottle of liquor, and some of the sugary concoction dribbles onto his popped collar, he is shamed. All the other bros get a good laugh.

First off, I hate when people say bro. If you call me bro, as sometimes happens at work or a Philadelphia police officer on a routine traffic stop, I automatically hate you.

The shame here shouldn't be derived from the fact that you are drinking a bottle of booze that is horrible, but the fact that you are indeed, horrible. You are a moron if your friends try to force you to drink booze. You are a moron if you give in to their pressure and drop to a knee out of some obligation.

This is an awful trend. But, as always, there's a silver lining. Much like Ed Hardy, Bob Marley shirts, Dave Matthews Band stickers on your Jeep Wrangler, a history of lacrosse playing, liking any of these new screamo bands, reading Twilight, doing Jager bombs, acting like anyone on the Jersey Shore etc etc - I can pick you out as a moron who will live an unfulfilling life and die miserable and alone. So thank you, for saving me the time of getting to know you and cultivating a hate for you. I can cut out the middle man and hate you from jump street. Thanks.

Sorry if this post seems a little disjointed. I got wicked dizzy in the middle of it and passed out for two hours. Weeeee

WRR

Ahhh another weekend in the books. A hot, humid, gross weekend. Felt like I was back in 'Nam.

The World Cup started. I decided I was going to watch it this year. Those crafty soccer players immediately put me to the test by going out there and getting two goals in two games, which both ended in ties. I am tested. Watching 130 lb guys with bad haircuts pretending to be hurt as they flop and kick their way to a nil nil draw isn't making my World Cup mission easy. I will stick to it. Oh, and those horns. THOSE HORNS. USA USA USA.

Speaking of USA USA USA

Han, mah bukee, keelee caleya ky kah. Hay lapa no ya Solo!

What a story. I smell a Disney movie. Oh no wait, that's just pork rinds dipped in icing. I guess we all need goals? And then we need to eat those goals. And die. At least this story let me look up some phonetic Jabba the Hutt quotes! Excuse to use star wars tag!

cute! cruel? who cares, cute!

Is this cruel? I don't think so. Animals get groomed all the time. I see those stupid big poodles with their stupid haircuts and nobody says that is cruel. These guys just get dyes with their cuts. I'm in! Can I make my cats look like hammerhead sharks?


pew pew!

Is this awesome or stupid? Both! That site has some other great stuff for sale too.

Well that wraps up your links for the day. Get into it!

Getting real.

I can make jokes about the oil spill, but it truly is a massive tragedy and systemic problem. This is typically a funny (shut up, it is) blog - but I can also get real.

BP is taking a massive hit for this. They are being blamed and boycotted for this oil spill. For good reason, but they are far from alone in terms of blame. This event did not happen in a vacuum.

My solution to this problem is, somewhat paradoxically, more drilling. BP's oil rig was drilling in 5000+ feet of water. A relatively new frontier for oil drilling. The fact that this is a deep water leak is the primary problem. The reason this spill is so hard to stop and contain is that it is under a mile of water. Maybe, if things had gone differently, it shouldn't be.

Oil companies have been forced further offshore and into deeper waters. Environmentalists will point to this as reason the oil must be drilled further from the coast, when in fact, they are the reason it is being done this way. Environmentalists pushed for safe zones close to coasts and cried foul over drilling in Alaska.

This oil spill would not have happened in 1000 feet of water. This oil spill would not have happened in Alaska. I am not blaming environmentalists for this spill, but perhaps their logic needs to be examined. Maybe their moralist crusade, making up in shrillness what it lacks in logic, needs to be curtailed. Maybe we need a more scientific and reasonable debate when it comes to these "green" concerns.

The environment is a problem. The environmental problems need to be fixed. This religious fervor and dogmatic guilt party is not the way. If we could have a reasonable discourse in this field, perhaps logic would win the day and we wouldn't have small problems overtake big problems and avoid catastrophes like this in the future.

More drilling, more nuclear power. We can do this safely and productively.

GAFABP

Another Friday, another comedy gold mine. This column was a really good idea. By me.

First up, not really a letter sent to me, but a snippet of conversation.

Who is Krang?
signed a person who is very important to you

Dear person whose importance to me I am questioning,

This is the most disgusted I've ever been with you

Love,
Tony.
and Krang.



Dear Tony,
What do you think we can do about the oil spill? I am so sad and angry and scared for our endangered wildlife.
-Tony Hayward

PS I hope you don't just make it mean and say it is not a big deal because it really is sad and important. Like how you say recycling is fake.

Well, TH

My first inclination here is to say, "fuck 'em." What kind of animals are even in the gulf? I know they don't have seals there. Seals are cute, they always get the good shots on the news when they are all oily. Pelicans? Fish? Nobody cares about fish. But, since you took the time to write, I will take the time to craft a more nuanced response than my first impression.

I think this is good news for fish. First of all, black is slimming. Second of all, being shiny is cool. It's like they have permanent leather jackets now! How cool is that. Lucky them. Also, I think it will help them survive - I think this oil spill might be their ticket off the endangered species list. Oil is nature's defense mechanism. Sharks aren't going to eat them now. A) oil tastes bad B) oil is slippery. Now they are way harder to catch and if they are caught, they probably won't get eaten by a shark because we all know sharks don't like to eat fossil fuels. This is a pretty big win-win scenario. Except for sharks. They are the real victims here.

Thanks BP, for making fish cooler and harder for sharks to eat. You're a hero.

I feel better already,
Tony

Thursday Taste Lesson

Well, Flyers, it was a good run. At least now all these fair weather Flyers fans can go back to being fair weather Phillies fans. Whew, those hockey names are way harder to remember. Also Phillies shirts are waaaay cuter for the female fake fans and the bros can take their shirts off at Phillies games. See, not so bad.

On to the recommendations

Eat me.
Good for drowning Flyers based sorrows.

Read me.
Insight.

Shoot me.

Lomography. My inroads to analogue photography.

I am recommending you get a camera and take pictures. Not a digital camera, not shots of you and your homegirls doing shots at the baaaar!! Not pictures of your baby who isn't as cute as you think he is. Pictures of everything else. Pictures of your life, taken on real film with cheap, plastic cameras. It is surprisingly fun and rewarding. A completely different experience than crowding around a little LCD screen on the back of your camera. Take pictures, fill up a roll and drop it off. The excitement of picking up your developed roll is something you haven't felt in a long time. I get my supplies from lomography.com. You can get standard 35 or 120 cameras, or one of the fun, gimicky cameras. Take 4 shots on a frame, take 8 shots on a frame, take landscapes, take pinholes, take long exposures - take what you want. The best part about the "art" that is photography is that anyone can do it and very few can do it well. What this means though, is that you can take pictures, you can have these little miniature works of art to hang around your apartment. They won't be great, but they'll be yours. Do it! You'll be glad you did.

I have decided to pursue higher education, mostly because I am too smart for just a Bachelor's degree. Don't really know what I'll be studying yet, but I am definitely going back, that's decided. Feel free to recommend something to me. Also give me some GAFABPs for tomorrow. Alright suckers, see you tomorrow.

Diary of a Hater

First up today, The Wire. But Tony! This is your column where you hate stuff! You can't possibly hate The Wire! It's soooooo gooooooood.

Ok I didn't hate the wire. I was just underwhelmed. This show was hyped to me, recommended to me, by so many people whose opinions I respect. And they were wrong.

The whole thing felt so emporer's-new-clothes to me. Everyone heard this show was so great and I guess they wanted to make sure they were aboard that train. They didn't want to not get it.

Maybe I didn't get it.



I'm the only likable character!


So what did y'all like about it so much? How real it was? How do you know? How do you know that this show is so real and true and honest to the streets of Baltimore's drug trade? You don't. You just say that. And it isn't that real. The cheese stands alone. Lots of gangsters like nursery rhymes.

The whole thing was chugging along nicely until the last season. I have never seen a show that jumped the shark harder than The Wire. So much so that I'm going to start calling it ******** *** **** instead of jumping the shark. Spoiler edit. Season five was so bad and so disappointing. First, it was completely off the rails plot wise. The characters either changed completely or had unclear motives for their insane actions. The show became a parody of itself with winks, nods and cameos. I'm surprised there wasn't a musical episode.

So, if you're keeping score - the Wire had five seasons, one awful season (5) one pointless, throwaway season (2), one forgettable season (3) and two very good seasons (1 & 4). 2/5 might get it done for baseball players, but you should probably do better than that if you are the "greatest show of all time."

Everyone loves how they "tied up all the loose ends" during season five. They did this largely through a cheesy and pedantic montage at the end a la the breakfast club. I'm surprised the show didn't end with a freeze frame of McNulty with his fist in the air. Also those tie-ups were disappointing. One of my favorite characters drifted out to sea, plot wise, never to be heard from again. And one of the only endearing young characters had a tragic fall, completely out of character. It felt like Simon was trying to real it up by putting him down.

As a whole, The Wire is a good television show with some great moments. It has plenty of faults. I watched the show with great scrutiny because of all the praise it received, and it fell under its own weight.

Here's a bonus hate for you: People who swing way out to the right to turn left. Learn how to turn dummies.

Ummmm

Before I get to anything else I thought this might make your head explode. Also how is this the first time I'm tagging a post "Star Wars"?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

Kind of a new direction with the WRR, I think it's too personalizing and pedantic to tell you about my weekend. Let's keep that curtain drawn. On (completely contrary to) that note, here is an awesome trivial point about my day. A rock fell from a dump truck and broke my windshield today. Sweet.

TOO SEXY! SFW f'real though

So this girl gets fired for being "too sexy." Which, if true, is awful - and thanks to the hard hitting journalism of CBS, you can decide for yourself with their 37 picture spread of her work outfits and dorky poses. I got through about eight. Thanks CBS. NB if she was fired for being "too sexy" that's obviously crap. On the other hand, she probably only got the job for being sexy and is wildly under qualified. Which she basically admits to. I wanted more training I swear! I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way! Back in my day girls like this had a place in the office. As a secretary. Nice to look at but don't get too close to that glass ceiling. This little Titcarus flew too close to the sun it sounds like. Or the bank is a massive, evil corporation who fired this independent Beyonce of a woman. Either way.


iFail

iPhone network craps the bed in the new phone's keynote. Apple fanboys everywhere praise the iPhone's new patience building ap. Loved how he just showed off pictures after that. And people clapped. Because pictures looked slightly better on a phone that is four years newer. Culty. Dude in the audience brings a good burn with about 10 seconds left in the clip though.

this made my day.


spelling is hard :(

Well, I see their point. Spelling is hard. But on the other hand, you're a moron.

BlogBlogged

My favorite non-me blog. Now featuring me!

worst drawing ever

Good Advice from a Bad Person

It's happening. Get ready. Also here's some general advice: Stop burning your house down, bring me pizza, get a haircut, hippie.

Dear Tony,

During the course of my work week I frequently have to speak with and assist the elderly, both in person and over the phone. I have no patience for old decaying fucks. These senile old bags come in here stinking like moth balls and dirty Depends making me gag and forcing me to choke down my own vomit. They head straight for the free coffee and pastries with their dirty poop hands, most likely spreading E. Coli all over everything. They sit at my desk asking me questions they already know the answer to (or could easily find the answer to if they only had a clue what the fucking internet was) and telling me to speak loudly because their hearing aid battery is probably dead or they have too much wax buildup. They tell me I should be disappointed in myself, because the economy is in the shitter and this isn't 1919, so they aren't getting a 20% rate on their savings. So I sit there screaming in these old crones' faces, my throat heaving and my mouth salivating, all the while imagining how to kill myself in creative ways before the age of 50. There are also the deaf bastards that call, after yelling at me because we aren't listed in the phone book (why haven't they heard of GOOGLE?) they start asking the same questions, bitching about the same shit, refusing to listen to me, telling me to speak louder and before i know it I've lost my voice and my staff is laughing so hard they need Depends. Needless to say, I need some advice on how to better cope with these geriatrics on a daily basis that doesn't involve a bottle of cheap whiskey in my desk drawer or a handgun. Remember this isn't 1919.

Sincerely,

Honey I'll be in the Garage, Don't Open the Door.

Dear HIBITGDOTD,

I'll start with a quote from the great Moe Szyslak - "Old people are no good at everything." While Moe's sage wisdom is a great catchall for your, and my, feelings on the elderly, it isn't really true. They are very good at a few things. Smelling weird, hobbling, taking a really long time doing anything and mostly complaining. You'd probably complain about everything too if your pants were full of dump and your parts didn't work. Alas, this is a flimsy and unacceptable excuse for their behavior.

I have always supported a "send old people to Canada" platform. Canada would love them! They would love Canada! They are both so quaint. One wears funny hats the other IS a funny hat. I love this idea.

Until that glorious day, we need to deal with them. Well, I don't really because I don't have a retail job - but you do. So here's my advice. Smile and nod, ask about their grandkids, don't balk at their archaic racism and unplug their life support. Or take solace in the fact that one day you will be able to walk around smelling like a French whorehouse covering the scent of your banana mush lunch that you have crapped into your pants and complain about everything. One day you too will be able to kvetch about prices of bean curd, strike strange children in public and get discounts on the bus. Enjoy!

Keep up the good work,
Tony

Thursday Taste Lesson

...on a Friday! Lucky you!

Let's just do a photo essay of things I recommend?


yum!


obviously a descendant of Thor. Go Flyers!


Best.


Shop here.


Read this!

I'll say a word about this last one.
A few Christmases ago this book was given to me as a gift. I never read it - sorry gift giver! - until recently. I was missing out. I was really impressed by this book. It really stands out amongst the spate of the cynical, pandering modern fiction wunderkind. This book is terrifying. Not scary in the boo! or serial killer kind of way, but in the heartbreaking "wow life really ruins people" kind of way. It is a collection of short stories and the titular novella. All of the stories are about a character in some Americana tragedy. Very quick read, very effecting read. Read it! and this, read this blog a lot. Hopefully back later with some GAFABP.

Also I think someone is playing Marco Polo outside my apartment.

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

Here's today's beef. Names. I caught a list of the most popular baby names of 2009. THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE. Stop naming your babies stupid things. Here are some names from the top 25 for boys: Ethan, Noah, Jacob, Aiden, Logan, Jayden, Liam, Tyler, Gavin, Lucas, Evan, Mason, Dylan and Caleb. Ok look at that list of names. Are any of those the name of a good dude? No. Are they the names of douchebags, pansies and assholes? Yes. The only good name in the top 25 was Jack, and that's not even a real name. The girls are even worse: Isabella is number one. Really? After Twilight? Way to go, dummies. Also Madison, Abigail, Addison, Avery, Hailey, Riley. Those are porn star names, fyi parents. Down the list it gets even trashier and stupider. Names like Colton, Carson, Cooper, Tristan, Parker, Hayden, CHARLIE, Blake, Cadence?, Markenna, Jada, Kennedy - are all in the top 100. Really? There are human beings named these things? I fear for the future.


Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.

Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook


Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

An extra weekend day. Always great. Except when you work on holidays. Then it's less great.

Friday
Friday's have gotten a little routine for me. Work late and take it easy. That has been the plan the last few weeks. Meh.

Saturday
Holidayday. Barbecue, meat, yard games, watching sports. Everything you'd expect from the Memorial Day weekend Saturday. It was fun. Nothing too wild, met some grownups I didn't know, which always makes me a little anxious - even if I had no reason to be. I didn't have to impress these grownups or anything, it still always makes me a little nervous though.

Sunday
Monster Dragon. Went to the track to watch some Harness racing on Sunday. It had been a while since I had been to a track. I always forget just how terrifying some of the people who go to watch horses race each other are. I always enjoy myself though - I love gambling. Went up and met the guy who announces the races, he was certainly "quirky".

Monday
Bonus blog day. Monday I worked, because I didn't have off like most people. But I did cut out early. I went to my sister's place to take care of her EIGHT cats. That's too many cats for non-crazy people to have. Half are temporary to be fair, but still. The kittens were adorable, as to be expected. Went to a barbecue after that, watched the Flyers lose. And now here we are on a rainy Tuesday that feels like a rainy Monday. And this whole thing is boring as sin. Sorry readers. I'll be back later with a little TART slash DOAH. Maybe.