Pole

I have found the bottom of the world - The darkest, most terrifying corner of society. A cave full of rocks with horrible scum underneath the rocks. And since the world is round it has two bottoms (and no tops (worst gaydate ever)).

Those two bottoms, those two pits of eternal despair, those two fiery hells of idiocy and shame are YouTube comments and lyrics websites.



My impression of YouTube comments

NattyIce69 Lol funny
MillerGuy123 Lol N[word] probably don't video Lol N[word]
PoetSmartness Noway did cat do that, this is fake. fake video is fake.
8582PikachuLol! I'm forwording dis to every1 I kno!11 Lol
TwilightTwetard23321 VAMPIREES!
CaptBoobboob i luv lamp. BOrat.

And then I want to die. And everyone else to die. And the Earth to have never existed.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I know I shouldn't read them. But it does, and I do. I don't know why. It's terrifying that this exists in this world. How could love be real in world that produced this? How could any good exist simultaneously with YouTube comments?

The lyrics websites. Oh Boy.

So, I was playing Rock Band 3, and the song "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley came on. I was wondering about one of the lyrics, so I looked it up. Right under the lyrics, the comments start. mfrae says:

From Jenny Lewis on lead guitar to her absolutely incredible vocals, this is one of the greatest pop/rock songs ever recorded. Rilo Kiley is a truly underrated band who may never record another album. But this one song will should put Jenny into the rock and roll hall of fame someday.

I put it in purple, because I imagine that person thinks in purple. Really? One of the greatest songs ever recorded? And that single song will put Jenny into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame some day? And you are thinking about future Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees?

RAHHHH

People are the worst. I was going to copy and paste more but this is how they all go:

This song is about me and my ____! It's like she wrote it about me! I went through this! I am a moron! I have simple emotions that mean the world to me and you need to know about it! Thanks Jenny!

Or:

commenter1:
I listen to this song constantly, and I think about it all the time and I think this song is about [the super obvious thing this song is about and it couldn't be about something else] because [the fucking lyrics are exactly what this song is about]

commenter2:
Actually I think this song is about [the exact same thing you said, but somehow I'm too stupid to realize we are saying the same thing] like, totally, like [more painfully obvious lyrics without any imagery, metaphors or potential second meanings that could possibly be construed any other way]

Or:

[ I have no idea what I am talking about but I took English in high school so I am using words I learned there and trying to put something there that isn't there and this song is about] society's take on [some buzz word or concept] and how we, as people deal with [it doesn't matter what I say here, I still think I'm smart] post[just kill me] and schism.


So, there you have it. The two places of the internet that make me want to pull a Falling Down on everyone and everything.

What grinds your gears?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

I went to a wedding this weekend. I got dressed up and got my date dressed up and we matched kinda because I'm classy n shit.

It was a nice wedding, it was a retirement party for one of my all-time shenanigans cohorts. Oh, the times we had and should have gotten in trouble for. Goodnight sweet prince.

Sometimes I feel like this. Especially on airplanes and at baseball games.

It's so Christmas. That means presents. Usually I am quite good at getting presents for people. I love getting good presents for people. This year, total present block. None ideas. For anyone. It's bizarre and frustrating. I don't even know what I want for my self. DAMN THIS CHRISTMAS BLOCK!

My blog overlords at Phillyist have requested some sort of countdown to 2011 or top ten list for 2010 or something. I should do a few. Any suggestions?

So what are you all asking for from Santa?

Christmas wishlist item of the day:



BEAR CHAIR!

Bears

I just came to my blog and there was a bear living in it.

Because I haven't been here in a while. Get it?

So today is the day after Thanksgiving, aka CHRISTMAS. I love Christmas, and it is finally ok to be wicked excited about it.

But first, here is a list of things I am thankful for:

Comments on my blog
The Misfits
Camel Lights errr Blues. I was going to do one of those fancy strikethroughs for that, because I always think that's funny, but I couldn't figure it out in 15 seconds, so I didn't do it.
Breakfast especially going out to breakfast. And double carbs. "I'm carbo loading for the big race" I make that joke every time. The waitress never laughs.
The Phillies always and forever. xoxo <3
The Eagles because they are wicked good right now. Haha U Mad. Go Vick.
The Flyers I love this Flyers team. I love the defensemen who are descendants of Thor and the wunderkind Giroux(clap) and the Chase Utley of Hockey, Mike Richards.
Tattoos I am so getting a new one soon. Would it be weird to get a Christmas tattoo? Yes. But I love Christmas that much. But I won't.
Inexpensive Ikea Computer Chairs because my cat has destroyed this one. Her new move: dangling off the back like an action star. She just hangs off the back with her back feet dangling. Ummm ok cat. Thanks?
Cat! She destroys everything and poops in a box in my house, but she's pretty awesome.
No Pants Work Day I am thankful I work from home. For now, it's working and bosses can suck it. But I might get a have-to-wear-pants job soon. Maybe.
My Family I could have an entire blog dedicated to their shenanigans. Instead, just know that they are awesome and bizarre and I love them.
Donuts
Cheesesteaks
The Internet
Good Books
Christmas I love everything about this holiday, including some of the shitty stuff, like shopping. I love shopping, I love the mall near Christmas. I'm the worst.
Everyone Who Puts Up With My Jackassery Thanks!



How about you guys? What are you thankful for?

Your scene is dead.

Haters Gonna Hate

I wrote a column about the Eagles game that happened last night. Here it is.

But it's a preview so it's kind of obsolete now. Read it anyhow.

Thursday

Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist. This one featuring Mom.

QB Eagles

Lolredskins. Haha. That was a good game.

THIS. x6

She likes primary colors.

This is my cat. I told her to do her impression of a creepy worm for that picture. She obliged.

She and I had a meeting.

My agenda: No more toe biting at 7 A.M.

Her agenda: double lunch

We are at an impasse.



Ha take that docile cat! Merry Christmas docile cat! (not my cat)


In case you forgot, I am still looking to GET PAID. So if you want to PAY ME, do it already. Boo ya.

I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend. It's going to be one of those pizza bachelor parties, not one of those stripper ones. But I'm ok with that, because pizza>strippers.

Holy crap 50$ does not get you much at Whole Foods, except murderlust. I always forget just how bad it is in there. I know you people have been to other grocery stores, why do you forget how to function as a human when you are around muesli?

Uh Oh

It's bad that I love this song, right? It's just so happy! Also, it doesn't hurt that I want to date 5/6th of the back up singers (the girls).

I think this whole I HATE HIPSTERS vs. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIPSTERS vs. Meh is going to come to a head. Or just totally fizzle out like everything else ever.

I want a new tattoo.

Oh crap, that song reminds me, next playlist (besides all the other next playlists): guilty pleasures. I swear I tried to make a playlist the other day but grooveshark was all like "fuck you" and I was all like "Psssh, I don't wanna anyway." But I did wanna because you guys need one. Because you have terrible taste in music.

Here is a list of things I have been enjoying lately:

The League - FX tv show that is way funnier than I expected it to be.
Sons of Anarchy - I know, it looks dumb. Actually it kind of is dumb, but I love it.
Colder Weather - boo ya hoodies and flannel and knit caps
Mopo - Mopo is a cat.
Rice - Where you been hiding all my life super globally popular grain?
I'd Rather Die Than - this phrase is always hilarious to me
Rock Band 3 I had a sworn allegiance to Guitar Hero for a long time, but I am nerding out on the Rock Band keyboard. Ugh.

What Jail is Like

Friend: I had a dream you were in jail.

Me: What for?

Friend: I feel like it had something to do with baseball, football, or video games. I went looking for you and found out you were in jail.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person up over at Phillyist.

It's about nightmares. It's pretty boring.

Sorry.

Write

Is it Wednesday? Why is this week confusing me so much. I'll blame daylight savings.

I am getting wicked excited about the Christmas season. Christmas songs, Christmas commercials, Christmas candy. It's on. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, this is bad.
I love the Christmas gift guides online. I don't know why. I get way too excited for those.

I should make up a Christmas wish list. I'll make a Dear Santa post soon. Word is bond.

KO!

I miss the Phillies. The Flyers are being pretty awesome though, I just wish they played more. Last night there were no sports on. None. What's up with that? Dumb.

I am officially looking to take my writing to the next level. The level that includes financial compensation. Tips? Advice?

Also I've been thinking about moving lately. Just for the excitement. Also for a parking spot.

My cat is bad.

Rodeo

Another weekend in the books.

Holy crap, it's November?

File under: Bad stuff my cat does (Oh yeah, I have a cat now)

My five pound cat somehow managed to pull down my trash can and toss the contents. I am not quite sure how. I am impressed. She continually does things that boggle my mind when I am not looking. Hey tiny cat, how did you carry an entire bag of candy corn clear across the apartment and into your nest of dirty clothes and trash you have made in my bedroom? Hey tiny cat, what the hell was that super loud noise?

In an exciting turn of events, my cat looks exactly like this cat:



Which is pretty exciting. That's obviously a good cat to look like.

Apples to Apples always makes me laugh, sometimes by myself. I somehow managed to not win on Anne Frank OR Rosie O'Donnell though, tough crowd.

I got lectured on not recycling. I want to move. I need someone to pay me for writing. Maybe I'll find a rich guy and write funny messages for him. That sounds too romantic.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

You know the drill.

It's Thursday, get some Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This week I tackle SAD and winter activities. Enjoy!

Halloweekend Rodeo Roundup

This was the best part of Halloween. The sound quality on this video is terrible for some reason. It sounded great there. The show was perfect, everyone there, despite being 25-45, was 16 for the night. Including the band. Ted's impression of Danzig was so spot-on. I have never seen so many 35 year old stage divers.

Other than that, I was a lumberjack for Halloween, as I like costumes that require little effort and deliver maximum punch. It went over well.

Some stupid baseball teams played each other or something, I don't remember.

Send me some Good Advice From a Bad Persons for tomorrow, please. C'mon I know you want to be immortalized on that super popular Phillyist website.

Oh and then last night a bunch of people voted and talked about it on facebook. Way to go voters! I'm so proud you did something that takes four minutes. It's like a starbucks trip, except free and there was probably a shorter line.


Got a couple playlists in the works too.