Holler

Check out my new post over at Phillyist.

It's not the typical GAFABP, since you guys totally slacked on letters.

Also, worst week ever, seriously.

Reunited and it feels so good

Hey, sorry about that.

Hope you enjoyed your Christmas vacation from my blog.

Today I bring you two links from my time away.

First up, my GAFABP from last week.

Second up, I did a year end countdown at my editor's request. Check it out.

That second one will make you mad.

Hope y'all had an awesome holiday, and feel free to tell me what you got for Christmas. I have some very funny Christmas stories to tell, but I have to get the ok from the people involved, or just tell them anyway.

Better late than never

Column finally went up over at Phillyist. Get some!

Ps it is snowing. I love snow. And Christmas.

Brrr

So, the PHILLIES signed Clifton Phifer Lee. People are suggesting PHOUR LOKO as their nickname, which is terrible, just like everything else that has to do with 4 loko. I prefer The Phantastic Phour. Now, this analogy is way harder to make than I expected.

Cole Hamels is obviously Sue Storm, despite his stretchiness.

Roy Halladay is Reed, because he's the leader and pretty tall.

After that, it gets tricky.

I am going to go with

Roy Oswalt is the Thing, because he doesn't seem very smart, but he's a total badass.

Cliff Lee is the Human Torch. Because he's hot? And brash and cocky, as evidenced by his pop-up nonchalance in the world series.

See? Doesn't that feel a little unsatisfying? Maybe Oswalt as the torch because he throws hard? A little too easy.

Either way, 4 Loko is stupid. Get over it. Maybe a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse comparison is in order.

Also, I think a good measure of a man is the Texts From Last Night that people send them and ask if they are about them. These are two that I got today:

(417) Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and "made it rain"?

and

(541) He's the only one I know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour about the science in Star Wars and still get laid.


There you have it folks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it rain. Mmm.

Editors Gonna Edit

So this conversation is better than the actual article, and will make more sense once that goes up, but I thought you guys might enjoy this.

The joke in question:

The obvious solution would be to tell people you aren't pregnant when they ask. Isn't that some sort of stranger nightmare? "Hey pregnant lady! Yous all pregnant and stuff!" and then you say "Why no, uncouth hoi polloi, I'm just overstuffed as of late, I enjoy french fries and beers, thank you. That's a lovely cell phone holster you have." Because talking about someone's fatness is way ruder than talking about someone's reproductive choices apparently. America!

editor: Tony, can you break this sentence up please? Also, fair warning - I am cutting your cell phone holster joke. Otherwise, we're good to go. Just let me know when you've corrected that line.

me: why are you cutting the cell phone holster joke/

which sentence?

1:59 PM editor: You may also want to try telling people you are a surrogate, pretending you don't speak English, drawing a big sad face on your pregnant stomach, abortion, faux, over-enthusiasm, practicing unfriendly glares in your mirror, preemptively asking strangers if they are pregnant, or simply ignoring them.

Also, I question your pic of walmart without specific walmart reference.

2:00 PM me: haha

editor: I mean, I get it, but...

me: can i just semicolons in that sentence instead of breaking it up?

2:02 PM editor: My concern is double: that breaks in your list are unclear (solved by semicolon, okay), but also that you have a one sentence paragraph.

2:03 PM me: i have a few one sentence paragraphs

2:04 PM do you wear a cell phone holster on your belt?

editor: Nope. Also, that joke is irrelevant to your point in that paragraph and lacking set-up. Thus gone.

2:05 PM me: dude,

that's what makes it funny.

editor: DUDE.

I'm your editor and I'm telling you it's not. I'm sorry.

It might sound funny in your head, but it's a non-sequitur read.

2:08 PM me: I didn't know you were a joke editor. I thought you were like a copy editor.

editor: non-sequitur is a copy edit.

When things don't make sense, I get to have you change them or I get to take them out.

2:09 PM You feel like making a walmart joke there to make your picture make sense - I would recommend that.

me: it does make sense. someone who would say that would wear a cell phone holder. i'm developing characters in the small space i am allotted!

2:11 PM editor: That's great, but no.

me: plus the circular randomness of a stranger asking you fi you are pregnant and then you telling them an innapropriately over personal fashion critique! my jokes are subtle and nuanced

haha

2:12 PM ok plus MT won't let me log in, plus i wish i got sense-making edit your sports list

2:13 PM editor: The fact of the matter is, very little of your writing gets changed, you need to back off fighting for every little thing. There are reasons behind it. I will now go ahead and semicolon your list because I have wasted all the time I am able to spend on this at my real job...

2:14 PM me: Well, i'd be happy to change it if MT weren't a cruel mistress. Plus Phillies fans love pat burrell.

editor: lol. Not lately.

MT is a cruel mistress.

me: I log in, which takes forever then it takes me to a completely blank page.

editor: It loses whole things.

2:15 PM MT's a major bitch sometimes.

2:16 PM me: Eh, I just thought you cut the cell phone joke because you were afraid of offending our cell phone holster wearing readership. I make a lot of jokes like that, I love jokes like that.

2:17 PM editor: And some of them are funny and make sense. Like accusing the 50s of being stupid.

me: haha

cell phone holster was my favorite joke in the hole thing. you have a way of finding that and killing it.

you're like a tony's favorite joke assassin

2:18 PM editor: That's funny, because it was basically a black hole in that paragraph. Well, more like a giant stop sign.

me: oh burn

that's the point!

it's like bam

joke slap in the face.

2:20 PM editor: like I said, funny in your head. But disruptive to the paragraph. going back to work now.

2:21 PM me: i checked. my fan club said it was funny.

sorry i couldn't fix the semicolons

editor: It's not a big deal.

me: i'm making a comment on the article that says "cell phone holster! ATTICA ATTICA!"
Editor is no longer available to chat.

EDIT: Here is the actual link to the article.

Bender

I feel like I did a bunch of blow today. Not like I'd know, but I bet it's like this. Because I woke up 3-4 hours earlier than I typically do and I am killing it today. And by killing it I mean stressing myself out and getting a lot done but also crazed.

I have a friend from out of town visiting, so I have been cleaning my apartment hard. It's fucking dumb. I have way too many clothes to store. I have one closet and it is small and not in my bedroom. My dresser is full with about 1/3 of my clothing. So, I don't know what to do. My usual method of piling up dirty clothes on my kitchen floor and clean clothes on my kitchen table (my washer/dryer is in my kitchen) is not going to cut it. Oh well.

Also I have an article due tomorrow and nothing to write. Please give me some advice letters. I need one for tomorrow. Also I am supposed to be writing some sort of year end top ten list or countdown or something. My ideas so far are top 10 sandwiches I ate this year and top 10 funniest nicknames I came up with for myself or strangers. I don't think either of those will run. Will gladly accept suggestions for that too.

I am making Christmas cards this year. While I consider myself fairly crafty for a straight dude, I am screwing this up. Four days later and this ink on these cards has yet to dry. I did some research and found out that this ink is designed to NOT dry. So you can like sprinkle it with glitter or fairy dust or some other bullshit. So I bought a hair dryer at Walmart. That didn't get the job done. I need to borrow an embossing gun. This is my life. I need a moment.

I fancy myself a pretty good gift giver. I like to get people thoughtful gifts and really pride myself on my ability to do so. Not so much this year. I have no good ideas. Oh Christmas, you are a cruel mistress.

I think by the end of the day the totals will be: 50 smoked cigarettes, 1 cat punched in the face, 1 stubbed toe and/or pinched finger and/or bumped head (it just feels like one of those days), 5 Diet Pepsis, 3 screamed F words (well, just one F word screamed 3 times), and hopefully 2 eaten chocolate chip cookies (hey, they aren't all bad).

Off to rake some leaves at my parents house. Holler at me with GAFABP for tomorrow or list ideas.

More like WONday

I saw Harry Potter. I don't read them, as books with 24 pt fonts make me feel stupid. It was a pretty good movie about teenaged wizards, and they always help kick off the Christmas season.

I went shopping for Christmas cards (send me your address to be added to my list). Almost all Christmas cards are painfully stupid. It was tempting to send all the girls on my list cards that say Ho Ho Ho. I realized my best option would be to just make my own. So I bought some rubber stamps and had at it. That ink gets everywhere.

I just submitted a few things to an online literary magazine. I also just punched myself for saying that. Point is, I had to write a bio for them. This is what I wrote:

[Bingo Rockefeller] is a criminally underpaid writer and somewhat fairly paid editor living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He writes a weekly advice column for the website Phillyist titled "Good Advice From a Bad Person." He is taller than he looks and will never find the perfect root beer.
I should have mentioned my tiny-headed cat. Literary magazines love cats.

The Phillies lost Jayson Werth and one of Philadelphia sport's greatest beards. But they also lost Philadelphia sport's worst soul patch, so there's that.

Here is today's addition to my Christmas Wish List. Listen up, Santa.


I can't decide if I want the stormtrooper or Vader, but both are awesome. Read about them here.

I watched Santa's Slay last night. It was easily the best Christmas horror movie ever starring Goldberg and Claire Littleton. Also the worst.

I'm getting this for my cat for Christmas.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Today's GAFABP is about being obsessed with celebrities.

Check it out here, over at Phillyist.

Eagles score 100 points tonight. I will almost guarantee it.