Good Advice From a Bad Person

It's Thursday at four, that means Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

Check it before you wreck it.

Maybe I'll see you jerks at the party tonight, I'll be the handsome one.

Alchemy

First up, everyone should go to this awesome shit tomorrow.
It's Phillyist's relaunch party, and it has a great theme and really, really good prizes. Plus it is at a really good bar. WHAT COULD BE BETTER. No question mark needed. Because it was rhetorical. And the answer is nothing.

I've been watching the second season of Fringe. It came out on DVD recently, and I kinda love it. Sure, it's baby X-Files, but hey, X-Files! PS X-Files is my favorite TV show of all time, not counting my other favorite TV shows of all time (Futurama, Friday Night Lights, Venture Brothers).

Science!

The Jersey Shore is known as "Macaroni Rascals" in Japan. Thank you Japan.

I really wish I hated Loveless by My Bloody Valentine, but I can't, because it's near perfect.

New tattoo imminent.

I want to go home.

Supercollider

Dear Tony,

I hate my boss. I know everyone hates their boss. All bosses suck, But, I REALLY HATE MY BOSS! I have daydreams about killing him and desicrating his body. He is utterly incompetent. As my direct supervisor I feel he should at least understand and be able to perform the same job duties I do, but he can barely tie his own shoe. I need a solution. I can not go over his head and complain, because that is just plain pathetic. What I am looking for is not exactly advice, but more like corporate sabotage ideas. How can I make his life as miserable as he makes mine? We work in the same office so I need to be super stealth ninja.

Thanks,

I Dream of Burning your Eyeballs Out with a Butane Torch

Hey! IDOBYEOWABT!

It's been a while, how have you been? Why don't any of my readers make their acronyms into words. I know you can. You can be clever, it's ok.

Bosses are the pits, that's why I don't have one. You should do this also. Lose the boss. But, since you probably aren't as skilled and ambitious as I am, you will always have a boss. Have you tried passing the buck? Do what he does--just delegate down, and blame your underlings. You DO have underlings, right? Everyone needs underlings.

But, for his transgressions, your velcro-shod boss needs his comeuppance. There are always the work related things, like sending your worst customers his way, you could do. This is a good place to start. You want him to be constantly stressed and frustrated. Also, one day at work, when you are leaving, unplug all the phones. How fun would that be? He misses every call for a few hours until he realizes what you did. His higher ups, demanding customers, employees calling out--he'll miss all these calls. Plus, you could totally blame the cleaning crew for that.

Second, take it home. Turn his out-of-work life into hell. Once he's all frustrated from your terrible customers and the phone snafu, he'll be dying to get some relaxation and love and support from his family. But he wont, because of you. These are my favorite things to do to ruin families:

-Send him pizzas. This is a very rudimentary trick, but the idea of sending someone an unwanted pizza is hilarious to me.
-Sign him up for every filthy catalog ever. Every sex toy, lingerie or mail order bride catalog should come to his house. His mailbox should be full of smutty offerings daily. You can go to their websites and sign anyone up. Possibly give him an embarrassing and dirty nick name. This will make his wife hate him.
-This is the best thing to do to someone you hate, use it wisely, it's a big one. The joys of craigslist are known by many--you can find a job, apartment, girlfriend, smelly couch--anything you want. Now you can also use it to ruin your boss's life. Navigate your way to the M4M casual encounters section. Find a picture on the internet that would appeal to someone cruising the M4M casual encounters section. Post his ad. His ad will be soliciting phone sex. Make sure you mention that you "don't have anytime for games" and that you want "hot studs to be ready to go as soon as I answer." Post the picture, post the ad, post his phone number. Home and work. Put it in as many cities as you can. Re post it. This will ruin his life and he will probably have to change his phone number and maybe get divorced. You win! That's what he gets for slightly annoying you.




I have some really good playlists in the works. Any ideas?

This weekend should be awesome. Although, it's my college's five year reunion. I am SO OLD. I don't think I'm going to that. "Blogger" just doesn't impress at reunions the way it should.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

It's Thursday and that means Phillyist ran another Good Advice From a Bad Person.

This one gets a little weird.

Sorry about that, cough medicine is a hell of a drug.

I know I've been neglecting you, but soon I'll regale you with tales of triumph and tragedy, peeing in bushes, playlists and lessons and life. Or something else.

Another Phillyist Sports Post

Another post of mine just went up over at Phillyist. It's a debate on Michael Vick v. Kevin "poop my pants" Kolb.

If you're into that sort of thing you might want to mosey on over there and check it out.

Also, gimme some GAFABPs for Phillyist this week!

Also, I hope you're enjoying this weather, I sure am (not, because I'm indoors way too much).

Bat Skeleton

"We count the days and the months and the years
When we could be counting the words and the thoughts and the ideas

So we're not all the same sum.
So we're measured correctly.

So the heighth and depth and breadth of it -

tell a tale of lives lived and not spent.

Tell a tale of lives lived and not spent. "




So blogger/spot was down yesterday, putting off this post where I am just going to throw a bunch of stuff at you because I think it has been all GAFABPs and Playlists lately.
So here's a bat skeleton.

Boo!

Pretty creepy. I was shocked how much bat skeletons look like human skeletons, and how creepy the wing structure is, like long devil fingers. I love it!

I am enjoying this seasonal change. I love fall, it's my favorite season. I've always had this romantic notion toward this season, but I don't know why. It's been around as long as I've been having romantic notions. I have romantic memories of things that never happened; hot chocolate and campfires, and hands in hands in coat pockets. Maybe this year.

Also Halloween is fast approaching, I'm taking advice on what my costume should be.

You guys need to get more involved, ooooh get me a GAFABP for Thursday's Phillyist. Try to make it about Philly. I am also working on another game for you guys, but I don't know if you'll get involved enough for it. Lazy bones.

Xpost

It's Thursday, that means Phillyist is running another one of my Good Advice From a Bad Person columns.

Go there to check it out!

Playlists

About due, wouldn't you say?

Use this one wisely, it could be dangerous.

A while back I made you a playlist to score some pretty hipster girls, now use this bad boy for a sexy hipster makeout sesh. You're welcome.

Yeah, yeah.

1. Glory Box - Portishead Starting this one off right. This is such a sexy song with it's mellow beat and smoky, tortured female vocals. This will work.
2. NYC - Interpol This whole album is perfect dim-light music. Dim lights are good for making out.
3. Svefn - G - Englar - Sigur Ros I know he's not really saying this, but the part when it sounds like he's singing "it's youuuuuuu" gets me every time.
4. Wear You Out - TV On The Radio I could probably find a TV on the Radio song for every list, but this album is nearly perfect and this is one sexy song.
5. When You Sleep - My Bloody Valentine Is it poor form to add a song from an album called Loveless? I don't care, this gets the job done.
6. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs I love this song way too much. And all these romantic-type weepy songs are probably making me look like a pussy. WANT TO ARM WRESTLE? Didn't think so. Back to the Shmaltz.
7. I'm Afraid of Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe - Murder by Death I'm a sucker for non-traditional rock instrumentation.
8. 6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps I think we're detecting a theme here. I also was advised against including Garbage.
9. The Prowl - Dan Auerbach Dirty, sexy and bluesy - plus it's called The Prowl.
10. Fade into You - Mazzy Star I couldn't resist. If you actually listen to the words, this song is really creepy and depressing. So don't.
11. Candy - Morphine That sax just works. Plus change one letter and sax is sex!
12. Rhinelander - Cougar Sometimes words just get in the way.
13. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I want - The Smiths I know, I know. But I couldn't help myself. Moz just knows!
14. Criminal - Fiona Apple Just play the whole album. Seriously. Especially if you are making out with me.


There it is, second base guaranteed or your money back.

We all got it coming, kid.

Sometimes at night I wake up and need to write something down. I keep a little notebook next to my bed and write down whatever fever dream is compelling me to document itself. Sometimes I'll write in the dark, with words overlapping, I'll write twice on the same page.

Earlier this week:

"Writing about myself is symptomatic of my anachronistic confidence and post-modern lack of modesty.

Maybe it's all just defiance. Maybe I'm rebelling against the egalitarian, social-socialism of the times. Maybe I can't stand the zeitgeist of gladness and revering the parity of everything. If I lived in a time of winners and losers, which I surely do not, would I push for the participant ribbons and yearn for special-olympian treatment for all? The confidence in me insists I wouldn't.

I will crash and cry but I will not crawl and cringe. Give me your sincerity and keep your approval. I don't need, want or ask for it. If you want mine, you're already out of luck."

"These are strays. These are dogs who have lost their way home when the rains came."




Ummmm, yeah. I guess 3AM is an intense time for me. I spared you most of it.

I guess I felt like I should put something on here, document something, with a little soul for once. It can't all be good advice and playlists, right?

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

A weekend happened.

The Phillies left first, and now they're back again, and I am super stoked. I love the Phillies more than 99% of things in this world.

Also, the Eagles had their first game. It was a dog fight (pun half intended) and everyone got hurt/brain exploded. There was something a little magical about seeing an Eagles quarterback scramble and improvise and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN that reminded me of a certain QB EAGLES




Unlike EVERYONE ELSE EVER, I will spare you the travails and triumphs of my fantasy teams because NO ONE CARES AT ALL.

This weather couldn't be more perfect. Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. I think it says a lot about people that they get so excited about the warmth in the spring, but don't appreciate the lingering warmth of fall. Fall is the best.


Can't Wait!

Hey, give me some ideas for a playlist, I feel like I haven't made one in a while, and I'd like to.

Phillyist!

The day is here my pretties.

My first Good Advice from a Bad Person is up over at Phillyist.

It's good to be me. The Phillies are in first place, I met Raul Ibanez last night and I count this as syndication.

Keep writing me awesome GAFABPs, and we can get them up over there where way more people will see the problems plaguing your lives!

Taste Lesson

Woah, long weekend. Sorry chumps.

By that I mean I worked all weekend and used the holiday as an excuse to neglect you, my little babies.

Dear Tony,

I have been taking Colloidal Silver for years now. It helps my body battle various one-celled bacteria fungi and other microorganisms. The occasional use has now developed into a full blown obsession. I mean I can't get enough of this stuff. The problem is, there is an odd side effect that I've noticed. My skin now has a bluish tint to it. I've looked into this and found out that I have Argyria, which is the grayish-bluish pigmentation of the whole body. So now I walk around with my Smurf-like skin with no help in site. Help me Tony...you're my only hope.

-Browne


Bam! A GAFABP out of no where, I keep you on your toes readers.

Well Browne (more like Bluee, amirite?!),

You sure are a crazy old man. I know that homespun health treatments based on conspiracy theories are always a good idea, and putting strange chemicals into your body seems flawless, but you've been burned.

Going back to taking a wacky cure-all tonic, snake-oil elixir from the early 20th century might seem like a great idea, but this one might not be your best bet. I haven't done any research on this, beyond thinking "Is it a good idea to put a solution of metal in my body that has been proven over and over to provide no benefit? No." But I do know that silver used to be used in photography. This is why you turned blue! You're like a giant underdeveloped picture! That's really funny to me. You turned blue! I love that. I think it is an appropriate punishment for stupidity to have your skin change colors.

You deserved it.

I guess I don't really have any advice here, beyond STOP BEING A CRAZY OLD MAN.

Thanks for writing!

Tony

Bam. Thanks for writing old man, hope you suckers enjoyed that GAFABP. Exciting news: you'll be getting another tomorrow, but not here!

Also these are awesome, feel free to buy them for me:


Buy me all three!

Read about them here.

Also if these taste half as good as they look, I want to eat 1,000 of them.

X-post

New sports (but this time more awesome) post by me up at Phillyist right now.

Get some!

GAFABP

Get Some! Advice, that is.

Also, to address some accusations, all of these letters are written by my readers. I have not written a single letter to myself. About this. These are all real! Or at least faked by other people.

Dear Tony,

I am a 37 year-old man semi-dating a 25 year-old girl; I say semi-dating because we are not exclusive in any way, we already had that talk, and I do not have the time to make that kind of commitment. I love spending time with her and even though she has romantic feelings for me, they are not mutual. She is a really sweet girl, kind, beautiful, and warm; I just don't have those feelings for her even though she is awesome as my friend. This is where it gets a little sticky; we are having lots of dirty awesome sex [by dirty I mean super super hot, not herpes/syphilis/gonorrhea soaked sex]. I think she still has feelings for me and expects me to be developing feelings for her; I'm just in it for the awesome sex! So here is my dilemma, eventually, she will want to have another talk about her stupid feelings, how do I let her down easy round 2 while still keeping the sex on the table? [And yeah we totally did it on the table...twice!]

-I Just Wanna Bang

IJWB,

Ok, first off, this letter makes me uncomfortable. It does not make me uncomfortable because it is about sex, it makes me uncomfortable because it is about ugly people having sex. Don't deny it, I can tell. First, ninety percent of 37 year-old men are ugly, it's an ugly time. Second, you're single. Third, you talk about sex, act like you've been there before, ya know? And finally, you're dating a 25 year-old. If you are ok with dating younger women, and you weren't ugly, you'd be dating a 21 year-old. Instead you settled for the past-her-prime, probably fat, desperate biological clocked girl. She's obviously ugly because she's dating you. Also you guys probably like nu metal.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way - the advice. First, stop being so gross. Really, you're creeping me out. Stop talking about sex. Second, quit acting so hard. I bet if this girl snapped out of her desperate haze and dumped you, you'd weep like a baby. I've seen it before.

If you really want advice on how to keep it as a fundamentally sex-only relationship without commitment, here's my advice to you. Just commit to her and bang other chicks. It won't be that much more work, and you can just cheat on her. You seem to be fairly unscrupulous anyway, so this shouldn't be a problem for you. She really won't catch on. If she's stupid enough to be in a sex-only relationship with an ugly 37 year-old, she's stupid enough to not catch on. Also, even if she does catch on, she will believe your lies about it and live in denial for at least a few months. Fair warning though - she will gain weight, become way more annoying and probably nag you when you do "commit" to her.

Also, really, gross.

Keep the dream alive,

Tony

P.S. Chillllll with the semicolons already.

Big Time.

My first post just went live over at Phillyist.

Check it out!

I know it's a boring sports piece, but hey, Shakespeare's got to get paid.

I've been sitting on a few GAFABPs, so expect those in your near future. I'm also planning a life and times of Nyjer Morgan opus.

News.

Phillyist returns today. Now with more ME!

The ALOUTRANCE HQ.

Busy Busy.

So write me GAFABPs ASAP and you might see your letter on Phillyist! How cool would that be?

In other news, I just puked.