Friday!

Being the seasoned blogger I am, I have picked up on some of the blogging world's secrets - like Friday is a crap day where readership plummets. I think I'll move my best column "Good Advice from a Bad Person" to another day.

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day over here as I had strangers sassing each other in the comments. I am attributing this to the fact that my blog is so sassy and mean that it affects people like the ectoplasm in Ghostbusters II.



So I'll just use the trick I have learned from many other columnists to fill space. Lists and gimmicks!

Yesterday a commenter stranger asked me to make a playlist for a slumber party for three girls in their late 20's. Ask and ye shall receive.



That was easy.

Another friend of the blog, who has asked me to plug her twitter account so you can read her tweets where she comes up with really bad porno titles and talks about Morrissey too much, @mizznicleo, gave me this playlist theme along with the monster playlist and the sad songs disguised as happy songs themes.


Click me to make me bigger because I'm too small to read and Tony doesn't know how to make me bigger without clicking.

Songs to make girls like you.

1. [Wifty song title] - Broken Social Scene I don't listen to this band so I couldn't give you one of their song titles and was too lazy to google one.
2. The Scientist - Coldplay This band has been terrible since jump street, but girls still like them. Go with something early and semi-deep.
3. I'm Always in Love - Wilco How could you go wrong with a band who spins out documentaries called "I am Trying to Break your Heart"
4. Hello? Is this Thing on? - !!! Sexy hipster chicks love to dance. Poorly.
5. Inner City Pressure - Flight of the Conchords Hip girls love irreverent, ironic, foreign humor.
6. Mix Tape - Brand New Girls will love that you can admit to a guilty pleasure, especially one that reminds them of their days being "scene" before they were "bikescene"
7. Cheeking Tongues - Wire This band played an r5 reunion show last year, everyone got the memo to pretend they liked them all along and to be super excited about the show.
8. Ashtray Monument - Jawbreaker All the bands your girl wants to be a groupie for love this band. Maybe if you love it you can trick her into being your groupie.
9. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven "Sometimes I just need the serenity only composers from x00 years ago can give me" will be what he says as he plays this song he learned in the Resident Evil video game.
10. Alone Again Or - Love "Love was better than the Beatles! It should have been them!" But if it were them, you wouldn't like them. Because the only reason you like them is so you can say stuff like that. Gotta dig out some old tracks too, fellas.
11. Any Song - Any band with wolf in the title You can't go wrong with wolf party, wolf parade, teen wolf or whatever else they are listening to.
12. Wish Fulfillment - Sonic Youth "Oh yeah I was big into the lesser-known grunge bands" "even though I was only nine at the time." They won't say the second part. This song is even better if you can couple it with an iconic Washing Machine shirt you left in your laundry for a month to make it look really old, because chicks dig old guys.
13. How Many More Years? - Howlin Wolf Their ironically large cupcake panties will drop when they hear this one. If you can suffer through any old Jazz or R n B, they will go nuts. If he can suffer through that he must be so deep!

So yeah, if this playlist can't get some girl off her fixed-gear bike for you, you're doing it wrong. Feel free to intersperse any of the female singer-songwriters: Jenny Lewis, Joanna Newsom, Leona Naess, Lily Allen, Feist, Elliot Smith, Cat Power, Tegan and Sara, Regina Spektor etc. You can't go wrong with them. Remember, as a rule of thumb, bad music has to be at least four years old to be considered ironic. Lil' Jon is ok, Drake is not.

I originally intended to make fun of dudes with that one, but I think girls got the brunt. Sorry ladies!

Have a nice weekend suckers.

Thursday Taste Lesson

Ahhh this playlist thing is workin'! I like it. Maybe it's just indulgent, but, this is a blog after all.

Today's playlist: Sad songs disguised as happy songs. This might be a challenge.



1. Tears of a Clown - The English Beat
2. Pints of Guinneess Make you Strong - Against Me!
3. Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths
4. Road to Nowhere - Talking Heads
5. Last Caress - The Misfits
6. Boys Don't Cry - The Cure
7. Whiskey in the Jar - Thin Lizzy
8. 16 Military Wives - The Decemberists
9. Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel
10. Feel the Pain - Dinosaur Jr.
11. Radio, Radio - Elvis Costello
12. Stuck Between Stations - The Holdsteady
13. Paper Thin - Hot Water Music

Whew, that was a tough one. I think it's an excellent list.

Any additions to this list? I love songs like this. Comment your favorite happy/sad songs, or suggestions for other playists.

Also today you should definitely check out Catalog Living, another funny caption site. They take pictures from catalogs (looks to be mostly fancy houseware places) and write funny captions. I enjoy it.

Keep it real.

Diary of a Hater

I hate Reggae. I think it is annoying and grating and simplistic.

Reggae is dance music - it is music to be played at clubs for people to dance to. Reggae is fundamentally Pop. Bob Marley = Britney Spears. The great and esteemed Bob Marley wrote derivative dance songs that sounded like every other Reggae dance song. Yet somehow he ended up on the walls of many confused, annoying, white college kids.



Yo bro, I love Linkin Park and all, but when I want to chillax, I just put on Bob.

At least he's sincere. Nothing is worse than shitty white folks playing shitty Reggae.

Dear OAR, your song "Crazy Game of Poker" is the worst song ever written. First off, it's way too long, if your song is longer than Bohemian Rhapsody, and 1/100th as good, there are problems. Second, you guys aren't allowed to try to cajole the crowd into saying "Jah" and "revolution" - you know, cause you're shitty white dudes and your audience is comprised solely of shitty white dudes.

Dear Sublime, just stop. It was bad enough when you were a band and your lead singer wasn't dead yet - but still touring without him? Ouch. Why do people love Sublime? Lowest common denominator punk mixed with lowest common denominator Reggae mixed with pop - that's their recipe for success and I'm sending it back. No thanks.




Also hating:
back pain
Lebron James
being so far from my birthday

Not hating:
SWT
rice cooker
cap'n Jazz

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

It was a bad weekend for nerds' eyeballs, but a good weekend for me.

Best part of the weekend was definitely seeing Cap'n Jazz - another band I have loved for a long time and never thought I would get to see live. It was 100 degrees outside and, with the throng of aging hipsters who obviously eat a ton of vegan cupcakes, it was oppressive inside. It was the sweatiest I've been in a long time, but I was far from the sweatiest of the day. That title probably goes to the shirtless dude who kept squeezing between my friend and I like we were those big rollers at a car wash. Yuck.

The show itself was incredible, they sounded great. Their recorded work has a certain low fi, frenetic, verging-on-sloppy feel to it. The live show made me realize that they are talented musicians whose chaotic sound is carefully cultivated and intentional. They recreated their songs loyally and impressively. I guess if you have jazz in your name, you better bring it. I have never seen them before, so realizing the singer is a cross between Mitch Hedberg and Peter Sarsgaard was a bit of a surprise.



That's a video from the show - which was less than 48 hours ago. I love the internet!

Here's a quick list of bands I can think of off the top of my head that take their name from a Cap'n Jazz song:

We are Scientists!
Soria
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Rocky Rococo
Troubled by Insects

Other than that, this weekend had some awesome Phillies games, a crazy thunder storm and a hectic Sunday. I'm so glad my friends thought baby pools and Depends were a good way to celebrate turning 30. I brought them a case of Hurricanes. That case was distressingly inexpensive. It was less than twenty dollars for 480 oz. of disgusting booze. Things shouldn't be that cheap, I would have felt much better about the whole thing if it had cost ten more dollars.

Thursday Taste Lesson

Hey Google image search, I don't like your new style. Go back to the old way. Thanks. Despite that, I found a gem to write some words on top of for today's playlist album cover.
We're going with a reader submitted theme today, thanks reader! I'm going to try not to be too literal and corny with this one. Maybe. I am going to try to make a playlist I'd actually want to listen to.

See what I did there?

1. Not for Sale - Electric Frankenstein
2. Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio
3. Gigantic - Pixies
4. The Call of Ktulu - Metallica
5. Brimstone Rock - 16 Horsepower
6. Am I Demon - Danzig
7. Earth People - Dr. Octagon
8. Tarantulas Attack - The Explosion
9. Surprise! You're Dead! - Faith No More
10. The Trooper - Iron Maiden
11. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage
12. Zombies - King Khan and the BBQ Show
13. Through the Fire and the Flames - Dragonforce

Whew, that was harder than I thought it'd be. I could have just thrown up an entire Iced Earth album and called it a day, but no! I brought the realness. You're welcome. Any ideas for more playlists? Send em to me!

I'll take this time to point out a couple artists from the list you might not know.

16 Horsepower - alt-country from Denver. These guys are dark, vaudevillian, American and awesome. Really an interesting take on instrumentation and composition. Through all their weirdness they still manage to make great songs, helping them escape what could feel very gimicky. The singer's father was an apocalyptic, fire and brimstone preacher - a voice and lyrical source that are definitely recognizable.

King Khan - in any of is iterations, with the BBQ Show or with the Shrines, this dude brings it. Over the top showmanship combined with a surprisingly competent and nuanced band make them very successful and fun. Get into it. 70s funk/soul/pop/rock/garage/psych.

I also suggest tacos. Get some tacos.




ADDENDUM: I came across this site and I was like "oh man who should I send this to?" and then I decided: everyone.

For grammar snobs AND tattoo snobs!.

Diary of a Hater

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, but, as you know, I'm a busy guy.



Sometimes, something comes along which everyone loves and I inexplicably hate. Perhaps that's why I hate it. Perhaps I am just contrarian by nature. Perhaps it is the overexposure, hype or incessant references to something.

Exhibit A:




What a complete panic attack this movie is for me. It has so many things I can't stand: singing, petulant children, poor people, awkward midget servants, kids being chastised - the whole thing is designed to ruin my day.

Singing in movies/shows/stage productions has always made me feel terrible. It makes me embarrassed for the people doing the singing. I can feel their awkwardness and it is some kind of weird sympathy/empathy that just makes me squirm. I can't stand it.

The children in this movie are terrible. "I want a golden goose egg now daddy" is my go to phrase for whenever a female friend is being princessy. Sometimes used interchangeably with "But I wanted to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!"

The bucket family, with their tiny dirty house, live in grandparents and laundry done by basin and giant wooden fork are cringe inducing. I don't want to watch that! Why are you trying to make me feel bad, weird children's movie?

The oompa loompas are terrible. Just awful. Stop singing, why do your pants do that, why are you orange? Why do you move so awkwardly, why are their words on the screen, do all midgets make up words? This is horrible.

At the end, when Charlie finally makes it to the private meet and greet with Willy - this should be a triumph, this should be his shining moment, he made it to the end where the spoiled children failed! But no! First he has to get yelled at by a deranged Gene Wilder, why!? Why do we have to suffer through this scene before we get the payoff?

This whole movie is designed to make me feel horrible. From the kids making Charlie feel bad for not eating enough candy, to the grandfather's old legs dancing around on that cold wooden floor to Charlie bashfully taking a verbal beating. And then there's this scene, my darkest childhood cinematic moment, the most torturous four minute stretch in any movie, the absolute worst thing I could imagine having to sit through in a movie:



The cheer up Charlie song. I pray everyday I will never have to sit through that poor cherubic mother singing outside of her poor little hovel to her poor little son to cheer up despite living a horrible, pathetic life. No thanks.

The Spice Must Flow

What a strange weekend. 80 year old birthday party, the past, Dune, hot dogs with cheese in them, a frog, math and a lot of reading.

I like your style.

Most 80 year olds I see make me not want to be 80. They are frail, smell weird and talk too loud. But, seeing four generations of my mom's family having fun and celebrating my grandfather changed my mind. First, he may be 80 and 5'2 but he can still beat me up. Second, it was a really good time. Maybe 80 ain't so bad. He's also great at talking about baseball. Like I will be.

I want a new tattoo so badly. It has been way too long since my last. I want something scientific. I want a science tattoo. Or a Dune tattoo. I'm the worst. Any Dune fans have any Dune tattoo ideas?

I am taking the next LSAT, but it isn't til October. I wonder if I'll study for it or just wing it like the rest of my entire life.

I realize that most of this crap isn't blog worthy, but you're reading it, so - joke's on you.

It was pretty awesome when I was allowed into a bar wearing my giant Crimson Ghost shirt and my friend in his foppish 30 dollar white urban outfitters deep V wasn't. SUCKER.





This is the notebook where I do my maths. It is strange doing math again, strangely cathartic. I missed it.

SCIENCE!

I recently read an article on color. It was about fictional, impossible and FORBIDDEN colors. It talked about the physiology of the eye, optics, light - all that is color. It made me think about art, and how the most basic palette of visual art should be these hard sciences. That was my argument at least. The color wheel is fine and all, but shouldn't you know how and why the eye perceives the most fundamental aspect of anything visual? This should be taught in art school.

Visual art is optics, music is math. These should be the building blocks, and then the actual art - the connections, the emotion, the politics, the entertainment, the beauty - can be wielded by the initiated.

At least this is what I thought at the time. Conceptually, an artist should be able to understand the science of beauty. But, when I consider the "art" that I truly appreciate, it might be the uninitiated I favor.

There are two fundamental aspects to any artist or work of art - virtuosity and composition. The former, in my mind, is wildly overrated. I'm sure you know someone who can draw well, and I'm sure you have a piece of art in your apartment done by someone who can't.

With music, this is even more apparent. But Tony! Dave Matthews' violin player/drummer/bassist is SO TALENTED! Who cares. Kenny G plays a mean alto sax, doesn't mean I am going to buy his record. Give me Keith Richards over Steve Vai any day. You ask me to make a list of the greatest guitarists of all time and Keith Richards will be near the top. Because he can write songs. He can make incredible guitar songs. And that's the point of being a guitar player.

All of this thinking about art, in a conceptual way, made me consider my own "art" - writing. Writing is the most practiced and ubiquitous art-form there is. Everyone writes. Writing an email to your grandson about a funny kitten video certainly isn't art, but, like a doodler or pictionary player to a painter, they are practicing the form. This is what makes my particular field so hard to narrow down.

Where is the virtuosity in writing? Grammar rules? Massive vocabularies? Alliterative abilities? It's even harder to recognize than that. The actual talents of a writer are so tied to their ability to compose a work of art that they are nearly indistinguishable. Perhaps this is because nearly everyone can write. Everyone can convey an idea in written form. So the talent shifts almost entirely to some nebulous concept of artistic composition. And again, give me Charles Bukowski or John Fante over David Foster Wallace any day.

There's something that rubs me the wrong way about a writer lording his abilities over me. I once heard that it takes a smart man to make something simple complicated and a genius to make something complicated simple. I couldn't agree more.

Thursday Taste Lesson

You know what I thought would be fun? Making playlists. I already love doing this and figured I could just make some funny photoshops, get some suggestions from you and then post it here! Content is important to me, order really isn't. I usually listen to them on shuffle. Since the songs have little to do with each other beyond the arbitrary theme I slapped on them, they don't need to be played in order.

Here's the first, one of my favorite types of playlists:

Hey girl, hey

1. Mexico - Cake
2. Candy - Morphine
3. Innocent When You Dream - Tom Waits
4. Guitar and Video Games - Sunny Day Real Estate
5. Oh Messy Life - caP' n Jazz
6. Lost Cause - Beck
7. Untitled - Interpol
8. Skyway - The Replacements
9. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
10. First Breath after a Coma - Explosions in the Sky
11. Waiting on Wild Horses - The Good Life
12. Shinkansen - Daedalus
13. Oslo Skyline - Jaga Jazzist

Ok 13 is a good number. I realized this would also be a great playlist to kill yourself to. But don't do that. I need readers.




Topical playlist time!

Splash!

1. Get off of My Cloud - The Rolling Stones
2. Girls Like Status - The Hold Steady
3. Outta Harm's Way - King Khan and the Shrines
4. Wonderful People - Q and not U
5. Staring at the Sun - TV on the Radio
6. Roots Radical - Rancid
7. Someday I Suppose - The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones
8. Honey White - Morphine
9. Mirror in the Bathroom/Rotating Head Medley - The English Beat
10. Radio, Radio - Elvis Costello
11. Velocity - Face to Face
12. Santa Monica - Everclear
13. Kate is Great - The Bouncing Souls

WOW! That's an awesome summer party right there. Now, be advised, that is for summer fun hangout daytime party or driving around. Not to be used for road trips, breezy summer nights or summertime blues.



Making playlists is fun! Please feel free to suggest a playlist theme, or comment on mine, or make your own! This blog doesn't have enough interaction. Comment on my posts and I'll comment back! That would be really exciting for you, I bet.

Diary of a Hater

You know what used to drive me BONKERS and, as I found out from youtube, still does?

Kids who are horrible at Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Quick! Give him your life pendant!

The questions in the beginning were super easy. If you got eliminated right off, you are a moron. Second, the challenges were super easy. Third, the temple was super easy.

The hardest part about the entire temple was a 4 rung ladder. Seriously. How did you not make it through the shrine of the silver monkey? It was only three pieces! THREE PIECES! How did you screw that up? Watching these mouth breathers struggle to put together a foam 3 piece puzzle inspired so much rage in me. It wasn't even a maze. It was just some rooms were locked. Turn around, big deal. My favorite part of the show though, in retrospect since it made me furious at the time, was teammates palpably hating each other. First, the dude would go. He'd be sliding through doors in his team colored sweatpants, busting through walls, climbing through the fake snakes. He was killing it. Eventually though, a temple guard would get him. On to the girl. Who would meander around the temple, never running, go into rooms that were already locked, screw up puzzles, push the same door button over and over while it didn't open and just fail miserably. This is really funny to watch now.

That's one of the longer paragraphs I've ever written on here. Bitching about kids failing at a gameshow from 15 years ago. Moving on.

I've always wanted a piece of the Aggro Crag. Saw one on Ebay once for $35,000. On to Mo for the results: TOO EXPENSIVE. I'd probably pay $500.

People who don't have tattoos always look at mine and tell me their ideas. It is funny to me. People without tattoos always have elaborate plans for their first one. "Well yeah, it's like a butterfly in a circle. The circle represents my grandmother because she was always "AROUND" get it? And I'm the butterfly, because I took a long time to realize I'm a beautiful person, and they both also represent change, cause like a butterfly changes, from a moth into a butterfly. and it's also about my sister. cause she's like beautiful."

Or they just come up with horrible reasons for their completely standard flash tattoos. See above.

Also don't call them tats, or tatts, or ink. Tattoos is fine. Plus it is fun to say! any word with double o is fun to say. Boobs, taboo, woot etc.



Jason must be stoked. I wish some girl would get a tiger face in the shape of a butterfly with my name under it. How romantic.

Rank your tattoo? Ok: last.

WRR/Apocalypse

NO!

Found this on thehighdefinite, and it made me want the world to end. Hey look! I might get my wish!

BP spill may cause "world killing event"

Wait, you called the POLICE because you lost your crops in FARMVILLE? Guhhhh. I thought we had natural selection? Screw you Darwin, you're good for nothing, obviously.

Loser wins!

Ever see those creepy guys with metal detectors? Well, their usual payday is a handful of nickels and a key to some unknown house/shed/bike lock. Well, this guy made up for that by finding one million dollars worth of Roman coins. Get ready for more creeps with metal detectors.

I didn't get to see Predators, but I wanted to. That should be good for something. I want to see some predating!

Caring about soccer is over for another four years. No more 140 lb guys with bad haircuts jogging for three hours interspersed with pretending they are hurt. Sorry hip, rebellious sports fans! At least you have the Tour de France. The best part of the world cup was definitely the prescient octopus. PSYCHIC OCTOPUS! So awesome. Thanks Germany, never change.

When the Italian dude is giving you a wtf look, you know your flopping is egregious.

Best Photobomb ever.


Wait, psychic octopus, get back here. What's in store for me? Work I love? Work in order to do things I love in my spare time? What's ps4 going to be like? Is there going to be a Star Wars VII-IX? Shakespeare or William Bacon? Do psychic octopi know things about the past or just the future? What should I go back to school for? Will I like being a lawyer, or just being a law student? 42? Dr. Tony? Can I be a successful (gainfully employed) writer? C'mon Paul! I need to know these things!

If you're gonna scream, scream with me.

This>Everything else ever:


thanks, nick.

GAFABP

Friday! Wooo! I love Friday, because it means Boy Meets World is on tonight.

I am so going to see this movie this weekend. It is going to be awesome.



It just sucks that my Alien/Predator/Alien vs. Predator box set is now incomplete.


Good Advice from a Bad Person has joined the Miami Heat. This week I bring you Delonte West.

Dearest Toney,

I have a problem that maybe you can be sarcastically helpful with. I am off one day during the week and I like to reserve that time for running errands and being with friends. The problem is that I hate going outside of my house when I'm off. I often have to go to Whole Foods, I'll stop at Starbucks also but it stresses me out. I don't like mingling with other people, especially the types that frequent Whole Foods and Starbucks. Also, the main issue is that if I go out I'll come home and some sort of time has passed - 2 hours, 3 hours. Whatever. I always feel like I'm wasting my time!
So I sit in my house, watch the clock tick by, frantically worried that I'm running out of time.
I wanted to be out of my house today at 8:30, but again, it's 9:30 and I don't want to go out and deal with the shits that are running amock in my area.
Anything?

Signed,
I've got a list of things to do today, but none of it will get finished

Dearlest IGALOTTDT,BNOIWGF,

That's a mouthful. First thing I am going to be "sarcastically helpful with" is telling you to not finish your sentences in prepositions. Wait, that wasn't sarcastic, just don't do that.

Second, sounds like you and I have a similar problem - hating people who shop at Whole Foods, but I've been over that. Avoid them. I have no advice on that. My advice is to Whole Foods: stay open 24 hours a day so I can go when these horrible people are asleep.

Third, and this is my stroke of genius. Or ego.


Woof!

Build a couch fort tunnel! Build one out your front door to Starbucks. Take this tunnel next time you want your venti capamochalatte. This way, you don't have to see strangers, you get your stuff done (like building a fort!) and you're awesome. Also, this is probably the only way you could justify it taking you 2-3 hours to go to Starbucks.

Also, you have one weak ass catch-22. You feel like you are wasting your time, so you waste your time to avoid wasting your time. Smart! But here, you can feel better about this. Even if you don't make it out of your house by 9:30 (12:30, really) I'm still asleep! So you've got me beat. Way to go!

Also, you should probably stop drinking coffee.

Let me see your fort when you're done,

Tony


Hey! That was a good one. You're welcome everyone. Build forts, predate, shoot off the rest of your fireworks and listen to Faith No More.

Thursday Taste Lesson

I have been obsessed with root beer lately. I am on a vision quest to find my favorite. I've tried many kinds. I have even tried sparkling green tea root beer. Which was, surprisingly, pretty tasty. Also got root beer popsicles and I am currently trying to make root beer ice cream. I am obsessed. To this point, my personal favorite and first recommendation to you today is Virgil's.



Delicious! Spicy and creamy, just how I like it. Plus look at that bottle! Pop top! That picture on there didn't hurt Virgil's appeal to me either.

I'm always on the lookout for a better root beer, so feel free to suggest.


Another blog I check daily:

GIZMODO

Keeps me current on tech, gadgets and cool science stories. I am a nerd. I have embraced this.

Next suggestion:

Muad'Dib!

Kittens! Hooray! Especially Fremen kittens. Fear is the mind killer.

Oh that reminds me. Read Dune. Seriously. One of my favorite books ever, transcends its nerdy sci-fi ness by being supremely well written and compelling. Or maybe I'm just a nerd, but it is truly excellent. Don't watch the movie, it is terrible. Awesomely terrible.


Shai Hulud!

I also suggest you guys give me a new job. I could use one. Thanks.

Any of you like Kid Dynamite? I am suggesting a band called the Shook Ones. They sound so much like Kid Dynamite it is almost embarrassing, but still, hey! new Kid Dynamite.
Rock!

Their later stuff is a little more Lifetime / Saves the Day, but still awesome. Highly recommend.

That'll do it for today. I hope these things make you a better person.

Diary of a Hater

Hey! You know what I hate? Fake cookies! I'm looking at you, oatmeal raisin.



If I wanted all that healthy crap I wouldn't be eating cookies, now would I. It's not like they are good for you either. Is this some sort of guilt avoidance trick? "I want cookies, but I don't want to feel bad about it - I'll just throw some non-delicious crap in there and it will be all better!"

No! It doesn't work like that. Man up and eat a triple chocolate chunk, pansy. Hey raisins, get out of here. You're dumb, you aren't even a grape. You don't belong in my cookies. Sometimes you even trick me into thinking you are chocolate chips and I get SO MAD at you. I hate you.



Hey - you want a broccoli cookie? No! I don't, creep.

My worst birthday ever was the one where my mom get me a carrot cake. CARROT CAKE? You've got to be kidding me. Carrots don't belong in cakes! What am I, a rabbit? Thanks for nothing, MOM. You're lucky I got so many sweet GI Joes that birthday, or you would have been on my shitlist all year.

Destro, you idiot! Carrot cakes are gross!

Also currently hating:
Ineffective air conditioning
Bad drivers
Sirens
World Cup games that don't involve someone getting kicked in the face
Shirts with sleeves
The Man
Waiting a whole week for the next FNL episode
Not having more GAFABPs (Your fault!)

Currently digging/getting stoked on:
Concerts of bands I never thought I'd see (Faith no more, Cap'n Jazz)
Futurama
Kittens (shut up!)
Root Beer!

WRR

First up, a weather report:

ssssssssizzle

Second up, USA USA USA USA!

America! I responded to 75% of my text messages with one of those two messages. I like fireworks and America. USA!

Awww USA USA!

I got to do something I never thought I'd get to do. I saw Faith No More. It was awesome. It was like 1995, except I was 12 then. So it was like 1995 but I am 27. And awesome. Also, I shot fireworks at my friends while they peed in the woods. They deserved it.

I didn't pay attention to any news this weekend because of USA USA USA and Faith No More. So I don't have any news links for you. You people probably don't even know how to read anyway. You're just here for the pictures.

Here's my impression of the news anyway: "Waaaaah! Waaah!" and "Oil! In the Ocean! BP sucks!" "Obama, Still President" "Sports!" "Fat Person is Fat" "Dead Person is Dead" and "Life, Future Suck"

Anyway, see you clowns tomorrow. Keep it real. GAFABP, dump em out.

GAFABP

Ahhh, Good advice from a bad person, how I've missed you. I got TWO submissions this week, I'm stoked. Still never got the rest of that one I got last week. Resend it. On to the advice!

Dear Tony,

Is it bad that i look at every girls tits and ass?
I mean I don't care if they're 90, I still like to see
whats going on. Am I really that big of a perv?

Nemesis Enforcer


Thanks for writing Nemesis Enforcer! This is an exciting day, as one of my childhood heroes took the time to write, and he's kind of a creep. Just kidding, anyone who can beat up Road Block can probably beat me up too:

This name so should have been on my name list


Ok NE, first off, 90 seems pretty old. You are looking at 90 year olds' asses? Checking for Depends? Just kidding! Don't beat me up. What you've got, in my medical opinion, is impressive ass-eye coordination. You've become so trained to scope the goods that it has become second nature. A female comes in range and you lock on. I think we all do this to one degree or another. In fact, the other day, I realized that a girl I know is so hideous that I don't know how big her boobs are. Someone was talking about said girl, and I realized "wow, she's so heinous I didn't even look at her cans" and that is remarkable.

What I'm trying to say is, you're normal. Don't sweat it. But 90 does seem pretty old. Perhaps scale it back a little with the geriatrics. My personal cutoff is Helen Mirren.

Rawr!

Good luck and Godspeed,

Tony

Another! Give us another! You shout. Ok!

Dear Tony,

Your angry little weblog's "Good Advice from a Bad Person" feature is less than functional on my computer.
I'm assuming this is through some fault of either yours, the powerful PC cabal, or maybe even the Man.
But it is most certainly NOT due to the fact that I own a slightly older Mac and I refuse to run any browser other than Firefox. (Yes, I've pressed the button with the picture of a kitty on it, but that doesn't seem to do much other than light up my keyboard in pretty colors while playing nursery rhymes.)
Therefore, I'm contacting you via the email address I found on the bathroom wall at some place called The Bike Stop.
I'm writing today to see if you can guess what I noticed besides a glaring typo, nay, a full-on grammatical error (editor for an online publication? Really?) in your Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater" entry.
Ok, I'll tell you.
I noticed a snarky comment about Ugg boots and women drivers. It was clever. [ed-thanks!]
But more importantly, it gave me hope.
It made me think that perhaps I may not be the only person who fucking hates Ugg boots with a fury rivaled only by my crushing hatred for the Ugg boots / sweatpants combination. Which is, of course, topped only by my black-out / can't-explain-to-the-cops-how-that-woman's-head-ended-up-buried-in-my-garden-hatred for the prized Ugg / skirt / warm weather combo.
You get my point.
My question is this: How can we get people to stop wearing Uggs?

Sincerely,
Ceci N'est Pas un Nom de Plume Intelligent

Whew, well CN'EPUNDPI,

thanks for writing. That letter was purpler than Grimmace. Leave the writing to me, and quit pointing out my mistakes. [ed - mistake found and fixed and self flagellated over]

Some tips on using an Apple with the internet: Did you try navigating away from the Jonas Bros page? Were you tying to write me an email in iTunes? that won't work. Did you try using a real computer? One of these should fix your issues.

On to the main issue: How to get girls to stop wearing Uggs. At first blush I'd say: stop masturbating to them. But that might not get the job done, we need to take a deeper look. Who's to blame? Some people say they have no answer, that these fashion trends grow on their own and lots of people contribute blah blah, but that's not true. I know exactly who to blame. George Harrison.



BAM! Look! It's his fault! That was way tougher to find than it should have been. Y'all are lucky I'm so good at the internet.

So, blame George. Oh, we still don't know how to get them to stop. If girls want their feet to look like Chewbacca, let 'em. To be honest, I don't think they are that bad. Meaning, girls will always wear stupid crap. I personally hated those awful ballet-shoe looking flats they were all wearing. These dumb trends come and go. Girls are fickle. Wait it out. The biggest secret girls keep from us is that they are wicked lazy. Uggs are easy. But fashionable will always win out over lazy, so in a season or two it will be some other dumb trend you hate because you are old and bitter. And lastly, at least they aren't Crocs.

Keep it real,

Tony

Time makes fools of us all.

Ice Cube!





I know. It's sad.

But this is kind of awesome. Before the taping of his appearance on Jimmy Fallon's show last week to promote some horrible PG movie, Ice Cube and the Roots do this, and do it well:


I wonder who was more stoked?

Thursday Taste Lesson

I like to think that it shows character growth and a healthier personality that I've had a much easier time with my suggestions than my Diary of a Hater columns. Feels good. Either way, Shakespeare's got to get paid, son - on to the blog.

No nerd theme today. Sorry nerds, you can't really expect more than one day. You are nerds after all. Now I have to get back some cred I lost last week. Hey ladies who want to make out with me and dudes who want to high five me, this one is for you.

Some bad ass rock and roll, because I'm a badassed rock and roller.

The Afghan Whigs

I know, Greg Dulli is an ass clown blah blah. I don't care. Most talented people are ass clowns. I have been listening to them way too much lately. They have their roots in the whole not-totally-garage-or-punk-but-somewhat-inappropriately-angry-for-white-suburban-kids scene like Dinosaur Jr. and the Replacements. Unlike those two bands, they didn't collapse under their own weight and spin-off self indulgent and crappy singer-based solo projects. Maybe Greg Dulli ain't so bad, eh? They stayed together, matured and came to be one of those underrated critical darlings - which usually means band that should be good but just sucks and critics like them anyway. But! not the case. Great songwriting, some truly, sociopathically dark lyrics and a just-low-fi enough sound come together really well for them. Listen to them!


Bea Arthur headlockin' a raptor

Brandon Bird is a genius. Not much more to say.

Enjoy.


I don't know if y'all twitter or what, but here's some folks you should follow:

@mental_floss - awesome magazine
@charliemcdowell - funny! girls are the worst! (not really Charlie McDowell)
@zoowithroy - best Phillies blog
@pattonoswalt - the funniest twitter I follow
@LitCritHulk - exactly what it sounds like





This is the best/worst/best thing ever:

Close shave, America

That's all. You're welcome.