Uh Oh

It's bad that I love this song, right? It's just so happy! Also, it doesn't hurt that I want to date 5/6th of the back up singers (the girls).

I think this whole I HATE HIPSTERS vs. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIPSTERS vs. Meh is going to come to a head. Or just totally fizzle out like everything else ever.

I want a new tattoo.

Oh crap, that song reminds me, next playlist (besides all the other next playlists): guilty pleasures. I swear I tried to make a playlist the other day but grooveshark was all like "fuck you" and I was all like "Psssh, I don't wanna anyway." But I did wanna because you guys need one. Because you have terrible taste in music.

Here is a list of things I have been enjoying lately:

The League - FX tv show that is way funnier than I expected it to be.
Sons of Anarchy - I know, it looks dumb. Actually it kind of is dumb, but I love it.
Colder Weather - boo ya hoodies and flannel and knit caps
Mopo - Mopo is a cat.
Rice - Where you been hiding all my life super globally popular grain?
I'd Rather Die Than - this phrase is always hilarious to me
Rock Band 3 I had a sworn allegiance to Guitar Hero for a long time, but I am nerding out on the Rock Band keyboard. Ugh.

You Lucky Drunks

I don't drink. I have never been drunk, and no real desire to be drunk. That being said, there are some things I miss out on being the handsome teetotaler I am. I've compiled a list of the top things you lucky drunks get that I do not.

This looks fun.

Excuses "In my defense, I've been drinking." Being drunk is a surprisingly good excuse for many behaviors I personally have no justification for. Remember the time that guy went through that window? Or maybe I was hitting on an ugly girl, or maybe I threw a bunch of glasses and plates into the trash can at the end of the bar. No, I was sober, but somehow I'd be a little more off the hook had I had a few too many.

Variety You know what my choices are when I go to a bar? Soda or water. I guess I could have some iced tea if they have it, or one of the mixers they use for your infinitely customizable alcoholic beverages, but really it's soda or water. You have beer, wine, cocktails, alcohol straight - it's a buffet at even the crappiest of dive bars. Think of me next time you are trying to choose which IPA to drink and I'm stuck with watered down diet coke or diet coked up water.

The world is your oyster! Your oyster that will give you a hangover and new STD

Something else to be a snob about Wine snobs, beer snobs, booze snobs - all snobs. Somehow this snobbery goes over better than my early-90s hardcore music snobbery, or my book snobbery or my famous sci-fi trilogy snobbery. I'm trying to be a rootbeer snob, but this just doesn't have the same gravity as someone who only drinks Chilean wine or local microbrews.

Gin, Whiskey and Scotch Drinking these spirits would go so well with my carefully cultivated persona. Sipping a nice glass of Whiskey after a long day would give me so much more credibility over cracking open a Diet Pepsi or refilling my Britta.

Mutual drunken acceptance There's just something odd about the sober guy. I understand this, I find most non-drinkers off-putting. There are things I just can't do. Drunk girls think it's creepy when a sober guy talks to them. I get left out of some of the drunken, shared reverie.

Drinking games A lot of drinking games are stupid and embarrassing, but being the competitive guy I am, I'd love to be able to show off my throwing-a-ping-pong-ball-into-a-plastic-cup-half-full-of-warm-beer-and-floor-dirt skills. But you won't let me! I am not allowed to play if I am not drinking said floor-dirt beer. Alas.

Credibility I feel I just lack a certain credibility with no drinking tales or feats or preferences on my resume. No I don't know which wine will go well with your salmon, no I don't have the rite of passage puke story, no I have no idea how many beers I can drink. Also, as a fledgling writer, I am definitely lacking one of the key skillsets most great writers share - crippling alcoholism.

Privacy You guys never have to answer the question "why don't you drink, Tony?" No, I am not in recovery, no my parents aren't alcoholics, no I am not scared of becoming addicted, no I didn't have a bad experience, no I'm not some creepy religious zealot - I just don't drink.

I am glad I don't drink, and have no REAL desire to do so, but these are the reasons I am a little jealous of you who sip the spirits out there.

So, there you have it, drunks. Be glad you have these things, enjoy drinking just a little more for these reasons next time. Have one for me.

Thursday Taste Lesson

Hey Google image search, I don't like your new style. Go back to the old way. Thanks. Despite that, I found a gem to write some words on top of for today's playlist album cover.
We're going with a reader submitted theme today, thanks reader! I'm going to try not to be too literal and corny with this one. Maybe. I am going to try to make a playlist I'd actually want to listen to.

See what I did there?

1. Not for Sale - Electric Frankenstein
2. Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio
3. Gigantic - Pixies
4. The Call of Ktulu - Metallica
5. Brimstone Rock - 16 Horsepower
6. Am I Demon - Danzig
7. Earth People - Dr. Octagon
8. Tarantulas Attack - The Explosion
9. Surprise! You're Dead! - Faith No More
10. The Trooper - Iron Maiden
11. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage
12. Zombies - King Khan and the BBQ Show
13. Through the Fire and the Flames - Dragonforce

Whew, that was harder than I thought it'd be. I could have just thrown up an entire Iced Earth album and called it a day, but no! I brought the realness. You're welcome. Any ideas for more playlists? Send em to me!

I'll take this time to point out a couple artists from the list you might not know.

16 Horsepower - alt-country from Denver. These guys are dark, vaudevillian, American and awesome. Really an interesting take on instrumentation and composition. Through all their weirdness they still manage to make great songs, helping them escape what could feel very gimicky. The singer's father was an apocalyptic, fire and brimstone preacher - a voice and lyrical source that are definitely recognizable.

King Khan - in any of is iterations, with the BBQ Show or with the Shrines, this dude brings it. Over the top showmanship combined with a surprisingly competent and nuanced band make them very successful and fun. Get into it. 70s funk/soul/pop/rock/garage/psych.

I also suggest tacos. Get some tacos.




ADDENDUM: I came across this site and I was like "oh man who should I send this to?" and then I decided: everyone.

For grammar snobs AND tattoo snobs!.

Master Plan

Here's the plan:
Start blog.
Be charming and prolific.
Write short story/novel.
Be published.
Profit.

Not seen: Work jobs, develop soul crushing ennui

I hope that my current job editing/proofing articles with the absolute worst, mind boggling grammar has yet to affect my personal style. I mean, a book written by someone who seems like they don't speak English and runs everything through a thesaurus with no understanding of what they are trying to say might be entertaining, but I don't think I have the stomach for that.

I've written things in the past. I've written good things in the past. I've written things that were performed, published, praised and enjoyed in the past. I am older, wiser and have way more funny stories now. I've shrugged of my teenage angst which stretch inappropriately into my early twenties. I still think too much and read less than I'd like and you'd suspect. I have had suspicions that my self-important assholery could find a perfect outlet in blog form.

I saw a woman wearing her shoes on the wrong feet today, it reminded me of you.

I suspect I'll write a little about the things I enjoy, and a lot about the things I hate. I mean, hey you can like all the same crap I do, but I'll really be impressed if our hate venn-diagrams overlap. I'm channeling Bukowski, Camus and Thor.

likes:
Baseball
Sneakers
Beard
Beef n' Carb diet
Rock
Roll
Sharks

hates:
Everything else