Pole

I have found the bottom of the world - The darkest, most terrifying corner of society. A cave full of rocks with horrible scum underneath the rocks. And since the world is round it has two bottoms (and no tops (worst gaydate ever)).

Those two bottoms, those two pits of eternal despair, those two fiery hells of idiocy and shame are YouTube comments and lyrics websites.



My impression of YouTube comments

NattyIce69 Lol funny
MillerGuy123 Lol N[word] probably don't video Lol N[word]
PoetSmartness Noway did cat do that, this is fake. fake video is fake.
8582PikachuLol! I'm forwording dis to every1 I kno!11 Lol
TwilightTwetard23321 VAMPIREES!
CaptBoobboob i luv lamp. BOrat.

And then I want to die. And everyone else to die. And the Earth to have never existed.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I know I shouldn't read them. But it does, and I do. I don't know why. It's terrifying that this exists in this world. How could love be real in world that produced this? How could any good exist simultaneously with YouTube comments?

The lyrics websites. Oh Boy.

So, I was playing Rock Band 3, and the song "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley came on. I was wondering about one of the lyrics, so I looked it up. Right under the lyrics, the comments start. mfrae says:

From Jenny Lewis on lead guitar to her absolutely incredible vocals, this is one of the greatest pop/rock songs ever recorded. Rilo Kiley is a truly underrated band who may never record another album. But this one song will should put Jenny into the rock and roll hall of fame someday.

I put it in purple, because I imagine that person thinks in purple. Really? One of the greatest songs ever recorded? And that single song will put Jenny into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame some day? And you are thinking about future Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees?

RAHHHH

People are the worst. I was going to copy and paste more but this is how they all go:

This song is about me and my ____! It's like she wrote it about me! I went through this! I am a moron! I have simple emotions that mean the world to me and you need to know about it! Thanks Jenny!

Or:

commenter1:
I listen to this song constantly, and I think about it all the time and I think this song is about [the super obvious thing this song is about and it couldn't be about something else] because [the fucking lyrics are exactly what this song is about]

commenter2:
Actually I think this song is about [the exact same thing you said, but somehow I'm too stupid to realize we are saying the same thing] like, totally, like [more painfully obvious lyrics without any imagery, metaphors or potential second meanings that could possibly be construed any other way]

Or:

[ I have no idea what I am talking about but I took English in high school so I am using words I learned there and trying to put something there that isn't there and this song is about] society's take on [some buzz word or concept] and how we, as people deal with [it doesn't matter what I say here, I still think I'm smart] post[just kill me] and schism.


So, there you have it. The two places of the internet that make me want to pull a Falling Down on everyone and everything.

What grinds your gears?

Friday!

Being the seasoned blogger I am, I have picked up on some of the blogging world's secrets - like Friday is a crap day where readership plummets. I think I'll move my best column "Good Advice from a Bad Person" to another day.

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day over here as I had strangers sassing each other in the comments. I am attributing this to the fact that my blog is so sassy and mean that it affects people like the ectoplasm in Ghostbusters II.



So I'll just use the trick I have learned from many other columnists to fill space. Lists and gimmicks!

Yesterday a commenter stranger asked me to make a playlist for a slumber party for three girls in their late 20's. Ask and ye shall receive.



That was easy.

Another friend of the blog, who has asked me to plug her twitter account so you can read her tweets where she comes up with really bad porno titles and talks about Morrissey too much, @mizznicleo, gave me this playlist theme along with the monster playlist and the sad songs disguised as happy songs themes.


Click me to make me bigger because I'm too small to read and Tony doesn't know how to make me bigger without clicking.

Songs to make girls like you.

1. [Wifty song title] - Broken Social Scene I don't listen to this band so I couldn't give you one of their song titles and was too lazy to google one.
2. The Scientist - Coldplay This band has been terrible since jump street, but girls still like them. Go with something early and semi-deep.
3. I'm Always in Love - Wilco How could you go wrong with a band who spins out documentaries called "I am Trying to Break your Heart"
4. Hello? Is this Thing on? - !!! Sexy hipster chicks love to dance. Poorly.
5. Inner City Pressure - Flight of the Conchords Hip girls love irreverent, ironic, foreign humor.
6. Mix Tape - Brand New Girls will love that you can admit to a guilty pleasure, especially one that reminds them of their days being "scene" before they were "bikescene"
7. Cheeking Tongues - Wire This band played an r5 reunion show last year, everyone got the memo to pretend they liked them all along and to be super excited about the show.
8. Ashtray Monument - Jawbreaker All the bands your girl wants to be a groupie for love this band. Maybe if you love it you can trick her into being your groupie.
9. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven "Sometimes I just need the serenity only composers from x00 years ago can give me" will be what he says as he plays this song he learned in the Resident Evil video game.
10. Alone Again Or - Love "Love was better than the Beatles! It should have been them!" But if it were them, you wouldn't like them. Because the only reason you like them is so you can say stuff like that. Gotta dig out some old tracks too, fellas.
11. Any Song - Any band with wolf in the title You can't go wrong with wolf party, wolf parade, teen wolf or whatever else they are listening to.
12. Wish Fulfillment - Sonic Youth "Oh yeah I was big into the lesser-known grunge bands" "even though I was only nine at the time." They won't say the second part. This song is even better if you can couple it with an iconic Washing Machine shirt you left in your laundry for a month to make it look really old, because chicks dig old guys.
13. How Many More Years? - Howlin Wolf Their ironically large cupcake panties will drop when they hear this one. If you can suffer through any old Jazz or R n B, they will go nuts. If he can suffer through that he must be so deep!

So yeah, if this playlist can't get some girl off her fixed-gear bike for you, you're doing it wrong. Feel free to intersperse any of the female singer-songwriters: Jenny Lewis, Joanna Newsom, Leona Naess, Lily Allen, Feist, Elliot Smith, Cat Power, Tegan and Sara, Regina Spektor etc. You can't go wrong with them. Remember, as a rule of thumb, bad music has to be at least four years old to be considered ironic. Lil' Jon is ok, Drake is not.

I originally intended to make fun of dudes with that one, but I think girls got the brunt. Sorry ladies!

Have a nice weekend suckers.

GAFABP

Ahhh, Good advice from a bad person, how I've missed you. I got TWO submissions this week, I'm stoked. Still never got the rest of that one I got last week. Resend it. On to the advice!

Dear Tony,

Is it bad that i look at every girls tits and ass?
I mean I don't care if they're 90, I still like to see
whats going on. Am I really that big of a perv?

Nemesis Enforcer


Thanks for writing Nemesis Enforcer! This is an exciting day, as one of my childhood heroes took the time to write, and he's kind of a creep. Just kidding, anyone who can beat up Road Block can probably beat me up too:

This name so should have been on my name list


Ok NE, first off, 90 seems pretty old. You are looking at 90 year olds' asses? Checking for Depends? Just kidding! Don't beat me up. What you've got, in my medical opinion, is impressive ass-eye coordination. You've become so trained to scope the goods that it has become second nature. A female comes in range and you lock on. I think we all do this to one degree or another. In fact, the other day, I realized that a girl I know is so hideous that I don't know how big her boobs are. Someone was talking about said girl, and I realized "wow, she's so heinous I didn't even look at her cans" and that is remarkable.

What I'm trying to say is, you're normal. Don't sweat it. But 90 does seem pretty old. Perhaps scale it back a little with the geriatrics. My personal cutoff is Helen Mirren.

Rawr!

Good luck and Godspeed,

Tony

Another! Give us another! You shout. Ok!

Dear Tony,

Your angry little weblog's "Good Advice from a Bad Person" feature is less than functional on my computer.
I'm assuming this is through some fault of either yours, the powerful PC cabal, or maybe even the Man.
But it is most certainly NOT due to the fact that I own a slightly older Mac and I refuse to run any browser other than Firefox. (Yes, I've pressed the button with the picture of a kitty on it, but that doesn't seem to do much other than light up my keyboard in pretty colors while playing nursery rhymes.)
Therefore, I'm contacting you via the email address I found on the bathroom wall at some place called The Bike Stop.
I'm writing today to see if you can guess what I noticed besides a glaring typo, nay, a full-on grammatical error (editor for an online publication? Really?) in your Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater" entry.
Ok, I'll tell you.
I noticed a snarky comment about Ugg boots and women drivers. It was clever. [ed-thanks!]
But more importantly, it gave me hope.
It made me think that perhaps I may not be the only person who fucking hates Ugg boots with a fury rivaled only by my crushing hatred for the Ugg boots / sweatpants combination. Which is, of course, topped only by my black-out / can't-explain-to-the-cops-how-that-woman's-head-ended-up-buried-in-my-garden-hatred for the prized Ugg / skirt / warm weather combo.
You get my point.
My question is this: How can we get people to stop wearing Uggs?

Sincerely,
Ceci N'est Pas un Nom de Plume Intelligent

Whew, well CN'EPUNDPI,

thanks for writing. That letter was purpler than Grimmace. Leave the writing to me, and quit pointing out my mistakes. [ed - mistake found and fixed and self flagellated over]

Some tips on using an Apple with the internet: Did you try navigating away from the Jonas Bros page? Were you tying to write me an email in iTunes? that won't work. Did you try using a real computer? One of these should fix your issues.

On to the main issue: How to get girls to stop wearing Uggs. At first blush I'd say: stop masturbating to them. But that might not get the job done, we need to take a deeper look. Who's to blame? Some people say they have no answer, that these fashion trends grow on their own and lots of people contribute blah blah, but that's not true. I know exactly who to blame. George Harrison.



BAM! Look! It's his fault! That was way tougher to find than it should have been. Y'all are lucky I'm so good at the internet.

So, blame George. Oh, we still don't know how to get them to stop. If girls want their feet to look like Chewbacca, let 'em. To be honest, I don't think they are that bad. Meaning, girls will always wear stupid crap. I personally hated those awful ballet-shoe looking flats they were all wearing. These dumb trends come and go. Girls are fickle. Wait it out. The biggest secret girls keep from us is that they are wicked lazy. Uggs are easy. But fashionable will always win out over lazy, so in a season or two it will be some other dumb trend you hate because you are old and bitter. And lastly, at least they aren't Crocs.

Keep it real,

Tony

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater / Shut up

Hey! Remember the 80s?!

Yep, still looks dumb

Yeah, me neither. Probably because I was five when they were effectively over. Just like you were if you're under the age of 28. You must have been the coolest two year old ever if you remember dancing to Cyndi Lauper and crushing on Billy Idol. I never understood this invented nostalgia for something people were never a part of. Maybe you're just nostalgic for nostalgic VH1 shows. OMG I LOVE THE 80s! Ok, that's fine, if not misguided and proof of horrible taste, but you weren't there.

You know what your coming of age music was? Silverchair not Poison. Maybe some Whitney Houston, certainly no Tiffany. Crash Test Dummies, not Mr. Big. I don't get it. Are you that stupid that because TV told you you were there, you really think that? Do you have fake memories of leg warmers and Ronald Reagan?

Verrrrry hard to driiiink

For a while it was just fake nostalgia, 80's parties and stupid facebook groups. But now, it's "retro" and some of these horrible staples are creeping back in. Hipsters are wearing acid wash jeans and over sized shirts and those horrible sunglasses. These GODAWFUL "screamo" bands all have the neon colored shirts and logos. Wait, hold on, hate break. These bands, these "screamo" bands are so terrible and offensive to anyone with any musical taste, they need to die in a fire. They play horrible, lowest-common-denominator pop music, throw in a couple screams and that's it. I am old, but I am not wrong.

This might be even worse than the actual 80's. Impressive

Back to previous hate. This really stoked up my ire for two reasons. Sure, some cool stuff happened in the 80's, like Return of the Jedi and the USSR crapping its bed, but, for the most part, it was horrible then and it's even worse now. We should know better. And also you weren't there. Be glad you weren't. The 80's were full of morons, be your own kind of moron for the 10's.

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

and by Tuesday I mean Wednesday. Phew, good thing I left this day open, or I'd be screwed.

I am sorry to my loyal readers (just kidding) for missing Tuesday. First you have to go through a Tuesday without Lost, and now this? I hope you didn't kill yourself.

I have AT&T, my phone is crap and malfunctioning and I am in dire need of a new one. I know what you're thinking, like any other pseudo-hipster on the go, I should have an iPhone. And I would, if not for the iPhone being a horrible, fascist emporer's-new-clothes turd.
I am pretty anti-Apple as a whole. I think their computers and products, across the board, are dumbed-down versions of their more able, non-Jobsian products.


Have fun on your MacBook!

Things Apple does well: product design, marketing
Apple makes gorgeous products and some of the best packaging I have ever seen. That's a great way to sell products, but hey, guess what, they suck.

They are wildly overpriced. A comparable laptop costs a fraction of a MacBook. You are paying for this pretty packaging and image. Does that sound like something you really want to do?

I don't want to hear the myths either. Apple computers are no more capable of handling any program than any PC. I've handle the Adobe suite on both - there's no difference. The things that make it seem better are actually pretty crappy moves from Jobs. They lock down their computers to make them seem streamlined and easy to use. Sure it's easy to use if you lose half the functionality.

The iPhone is ubiquitous. The idea of an ap marketplace is exciting and appealing - until you see what they are doing. Any ap on the marketplace is approved by Apple. This for-your-benefit mothering is terrifying. I thought Apple was supposed to be the computers for the creative, free thinking sect. I guess it's really for the I-want-you-to-think-I'm-creative-and-free-thinking-but-I-can't-make-my-own-decisions-and-need-someone-to-tell-me-what-to-do sect. I can't stand the iPhone. The constant synching, the shitty keyboard, the iTunes or die etc etc etc. I don't have iTunes because I don't have an iPod - and I don't want it.

The iPad is a perfect example of what Apple is doing. The iPad is an inferior tablet computer, dumbed down, stripped of interesting features and marketed as something new and groundbreaking. It isn't new, it isn't groundbreaking and it is way too expensive. The only reason they have presented for you needing to buy one is "you need to buy one"
Don't.

My real beef with Apple is that they front. They are fronters. They act like they are the computer for creative types, they are friendly and kind, they aren't Microsoft. But they are, they are a massive profit machine who makes products that are lowest common denominator. Products that are much better suited for non-creative types. They are the same as Microsoft in their philosophy. Bill gates doesn't front. Microsoft is a tech giant and act like it. Be what you are.

So anyway, I'm waiting for a good Android phone to come out for AT&T. Apple's grip on AT&T is keeping the good Android phones off my shelves. Thanks again, Apple.

Master Plan

Here's the plan:
Start blog.
Be charming and prolific.
Write short story/novel.
Be published.
Profit.

Not seen: Work jobs, develop soul crushing ennui

I hope that my current job editing/proofing articles with the absolute worst, mind boggling grammar has yet to affect my personal style. I mean, a book written by someone who seems like they don't speak English and runs everything through a thesaurus with no understanding of what they are trying to say might be entertaining, but I don't think I have the stomach for that.

I've written things in the past. I've written good things in the past. I've written things that were performed, published, praised and enjoyed in the past. I am older, wiser and have way more funny stories now. I've shrugged of my teenage angst which stretch inappropriately into my early twenties. I still think too much and read less than I'd like and you'd suspect. I have had suspicions that my self-important assholery could find a perfect outlet in blog form.

I saw a woman wearing her shoes on the wrong feet today, it reminded me of you.

I suspect I'll write a little about the things I enjoy, and a lot about the things I hate. I mean, hey you can like all the same crap I do, but I'll really be impressed if our hate venn-diagrams overlap. I'm channeling Bukowski, Camus and Thor.

likes:
Baseball
Sneakers
Beard
Beef n' Carb diet
Rock
Roll
Sharks

hates:
Everything else