X Gonna Give it to Ya

I wish this post were about DMX, as I relate pretty much everything to him lately.

But it's not. I saw X-Men: First Class last night. And typing that out for the first time, I realize that's kind of a stupid name. First Class. Classy X-Men. Whatever, it was pretty good.

Except January Jones, she is terrible and I hate her. Also Mystique was slutty, petulant and annoying, but I suppose that is probably appropriate.

I consider myself pretty hip and "with it" and blah blah WHAT THE FUCK, INTERNET? You are making less and less sense and not even in a good, Nyan Cat way.

What the HELL is with these stupid "that awkward moment..." things?

HAHAH I saw movies! Haha I get it! Funny movie! *fatkidfartnoiseface*

The internet, that's not awkward, nor is it a moment, and it's not funny or anything else good. Most of these "awkward moment" things aren't even complete sentences or thoughts. While doing my typical deep, probing and thorough research for this post, I googled "that awkward moment" - that was a terrible mistake. That google hole plunged me into a deep despair and I found myself wishing for the world to end and to never have existed in the first place. Thanks. Most of these "awkward moments" are things like "that awkward moment when you eat a pudding" or "that awkward moment when your foot is asleep" WHAT? Why would anyone talk about that? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Or they are fake, like those horrible fake TFLN. Why would you make up a TFLN? You are the worst human. "That awkward moment when you are so cool and you quote a movie and then you are handsome!" I made that one up.

Oh the internet, I guess I shouldn't expect so much from a thing run by people who are either mentally or actually thirteen.

Let's go back, internet, you and me babe, let's go back to porkchop sandwiches and unforgivable. C'mon, for old time's sake. Just a little. Yeah. C'mon c'mon. Yeah.

I was going to embed the video for Ghost Town DJ's My Boo here, but my computer is disagreeing with YouTube right now. So, play that song, imaging me captioning it with "this is a pretty good summer jam" and be on your way.

Saint Craptrick's Day

Wow. Last night got a little weird.

It was pretty tame at the bar, I was kind of expecting things to be a little more...festive.

It was the two year anniversary of me realizing one of my life-long dreams of getting to throw a scumbag through a window. Remembered fondly.

While it was less than ideal, it sure did bring some crazy weirdo lames out of the woodwork.

Let me give you the dossier on my (least) favorite:
Dude
Black weird curly hair
One large black earring
Johnny Cash shirt
Confusing jeans
Timberlands
Very ugly and oddly placed forearm tattoo
Overheard quotes:

"Man, chicks are SO DECEIVING!"
"Yeah man, that's right, FUCK college. Makes you stupid. Schools make you IGNORANT!"
"Yeah man, I have like booze back at the place, any thing you bring would be chaaaaasers. Rock and roll, man. Rock and roll"

So that was my night.

Also BASKETBALL, SPRING TIME, birthday planning (not actually happening), car shopping (not so much either)

Got my first birthday gift yesterday (from myself) - a new baseball glove! I was way too excited about this. It's rubber banded right now. I can smell it.

I have included a picture of Evel Knievel because he is my hero and I want an Evel tattoo.

Holler.

Diary of a Hater

Here's a quick list of reasons you look stupid.

Girls in baseball hats You aren't fooling anyone - I get it, you didn't wash your hair. It makes your tiny head look stupid and that greasy ponytail hanging out the back is gross. I don't like girls in hats, your pink Phillies hat isn't winning me over. I'll hate it even more if it's some dopey mesh hat at a jaunty angle. Gross. You have to be a special girl to be able to pull off the J-Lo hat, you probably aren't. Steer clear.

Look how dumb she looks, and she's way prettier than you.

Guys with Goatees So which is it, are you a minor league baseball player or Blockbuster employee? Because that's what you look like. You know what both of these guys have in common? They are weirdos who spend their entire lives with dudes, dudes who aren't particularly good judges of facial hair choices. You don't look like an old movie villain, prince or actor - you look like a 19 year old experimenting with his dad's razor. To be fair, a few guys can pull this off, but you probably aren't one of them.

This is actually a secret scientology signifier for 'jackass'

Obviously, chinstraps are out too. Don't be that guy. Unless you're over 40, don't grow a mustache, irony is a dead scene.

Any of these horrible T-shirts


abortion

Jesus, these shirts are terrible. First and foremost, they are heinous. These are some of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen. Second, these shirts prove to me that you love watching dudes roll around in underpants and punch each other, and that you will get VERY ANGRY that I just called you gay (if you understood my implication, that is). Tapout? Your shirt says tapout? Ok, let's see how long it takes. Just combine one of these with a chinstrap beard so I can run you over with my car. Thanks.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Sorry kids, hope you missed me yesterday.

Keep the playlist ideas coming, we have some good ones. And some weird ones. Keep up the good/weird work.

So I was watching Planet Earth on Blu Ray (us bloggers live the life) last night, and came upon this hilarious/terrifying when dead dude.

Kill it with fire.

That's a deer skull. A deer with fangs. Why do deer need fangs? Simply to terrify me? Well, good luck looking like this:


Pet it with fire.

Ummm, ok, in theory fangs sound cool and all, but this execution is terrible. He looks like the joker deer who puts chop sticks in his mouth at dinner to make his deer buddies laugh. Your skull is way more terrifying than you are.

In other news, I still need a job and have yet to become a millionaire writer. You guys probably thought one or both of those things was the reason I didn't post yesterday. You'd be wrong. I didn't post yesterday because I am lazy.

My actual recent playlist:
Gaslight Anthem
Cap'n Jazz
Lucero
Descendents
UYD

In my days of looking at things on the internet, I've seen some crazy, horrible stuff. Then I came across this. That website is horrible. In all the terribleness that exists on the internet, that site might take the cake. And the cake is made of barf and shame. Seriously don't click that link. I don't even know why I posted it. If you can't figure out what bad-dragon.com/toys might be, then you probably aren't prepared for it, and if you are prepared for it, I probably don't want you anywhere near me.

Edit: after a few complaints - that link is Not Safe For Work. Obviously, since it's pretty much Not Safe for Life. Also feel free to play my game - which of your friends is most likely to own one of those?

Addendum

This is the greatest picture of all time. Even better than this one



Just found out that "The Boys", which I recommended earlier, is being made into a movie. Today's lesson: If you want your graphic novel made into a movie, have me read it. Also: Please make this work for Preacher, thanks.

AND! Today's Bitch of the Day!

The power went out today from those wicked thunderstorms that rolled through. I live next to a nail salon. Where I moonlight. Ok, only the first part of that is true. Anyway - so my power's out, their power's out. That didn't stop some wobbling main-line troll from getting her nails done. "I don't care if you have to dry my finger and toe nails with one of those old fashioned paper fans! I can't miss this appointment, my Pomeranian needs to get to the groomer!" I imagine her shouting. Being ever industrious and kind, the nail workers obliged. They fanned her freshly painted hand and feet sausages with old fashioned paper fans. Way to go lady! You're the bitch of the day.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

Hey, nice goal USA - but seriously if this makes more people name their sons Landon, it'll be for naught. Why not Lando? Lando>Landon. When I get rich, I'm buying some professional sports team, moving them to Florida and renaming them the Orlando Calrissians. They will be the best team ever and wear purple capes. The end.

Baron Administrator? I think you mean Space Pimp.

You know what I don't hate? Finally having a phone that works. Android for life! Android>iOS

Awwww

Heyyyy everybody, be better at driving please. Those lines painted on the ground? Park between them. Not just near them, or on them. I know you can't really drive that massive SUV your Dentist husband bought for you so you wouldn't have to be seen in a minivan, but please, try to keep it between the lines. And yo, bro, I know that's a beemer and all, but put it in a spot. I know you're in a hurry, as evidenced by your bluetooth conversation, but putting your hazards on out front to grab your quad iced venti non-fat two pump sugar free vanilla caramel macchiato is not an acceptable excuse.

There are bad drivers everywhere, but most girls are mostly bad. I've noticed recently this driving strategy a lot of girls have adopted. Was there a driving lesson episode of Sex & the City or something? Are these instructions stitched inside Ugg Boots? HOW DID SO MANY GIRLS LEARN THE SAME SHITTY WAY TO DRIVE?

Alright, here's the technique - See that car in front of you? get as close as you can. Not to pass them, just to follow them. Get as close as you can with that stupid lei hanging off your rear view and just stay there. So many girls do this. I've had them behind me, in their Eclipse, with a Roxy sticker, checking their hair in their rearview mirror which is pointed at them and not the road, getting way too close. So, my natural reaction when a car comes up quickly behind me is to just scoot out of the way and let them pass. BUT THEY DON'T PASS. You change lanes and then they just hang there, where you left them, lost. Left to their own devices, with no car to follow, they don't know what to do. Their dopey cars just hanging there in the left lane, with them inside making the face a dog makes when you ask it a math problem.


Wait, what?

Why do they all do this? How did so many girls learn to drive this way? It's baffling.



Hey ladies, stick to the hoods.

Weekend Rodeo Roundup

First thing on my platter today is my weekly dose of what I like to call "horrible future." Once in a while something happens which makes me realize that my days of wearing spiked shoulder pads, driving around in a modified 1980's muscle car, killing my own food, wearing a shotgun (I originally typed that as shotfun - best typo ever) at all times and never cutting my beard again aren't as far away as I thought. The end is nigh. Yesterday I went down to the delicious little ice cream stand for a summery treat. As I was standing in the way-too-long line, I couldn't help but overhear all the poor parenting, vapid gossip and braindead blah blah going on around me. But! one thing rang out like a shot, and made me shudder. A young couple behind me, probably about my age, were waiting with their rambunctious and plucky two or three year old daughter. As is par for the course anymore, the girl was running around maniacally and crashing into my legs. About ten minutes after they should have, I heard her parents trying to gently reign her in - they said "Audrina, calm down honey, you'll get your ice cream soon" ... Audrina. The kid's name is Audrina. People are naming their children after characters on MTV faux-reality shows. Get your supplies, apocalypse can't be far now.


On to your links!

Glad they finally cracked this case.

Police have finally cracked this condiment case. This crazy old woman was dumping condiments in book drops. I guess she hates books? Or she's just insane? Either way, it took police a year to catch her. She must be wily.

Baseball Gaga

After flipping off Mets fans earlier this month, Lady Gaga traipsed her curiously talented tranny ass into the Yankee's locker room after a loss last week. I bet this was A-Rod's doing, his "fling" with Madonna last year proved his penchant for annoying pop starlets who look like dudes.

I told you the apocalypse was coming!

Beer pong is now a paying talent to have. Whoever wins the 25,000 dollar top prize can now begin paying back their parents for their hilariously misnamed education. I told you communications was a lucrative major!

I can't find a link, but I also heard about a Zappos customer service call last week. A woman and her dead-inside husband called the online shoe giant looking for a pair of boots. The woman, who will obviously die alone and unfulfilled, saw a pair of boots she absolutely had to have in a made-for-TV Lifetime movie. It took the customer service rep, who should be pitied and wept for, FIVE AND A HALF HOURS to track down the boots she was looking for. This woman had a five and half hour phone call looking for a specific pair of boots she saw in a Lifetime movie. Hey, sweet life dude.

After all of this, I really hope you heed my advice and prepare yourself for the coming Rapture. Enjoy!

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

I think it'd be a little obvious to hate on the World Cup today.

Caleb and Tristan love soccer. Everybody wins!

Sure, soccer as a whole is pretty make-fun-able, and this year's World Cup has been pretty terrible too - ties everywhere, super soft goals and that horrible horn. But! I'm going to dodge that easy target and take on something that doesn't basically ridicule itself just by shitting the bed in its biggest stage.

You got lucky this time, soccer.

Someone recently tipped me off to a phenomenon (used loosely) known as bros icing bros. I will not dignify it with a link. Basically douchebag A leaves crappy bottle of booze for douchebag B - who is forced, through some code of bro-ness, to drink said bottle. On one knee, in some homoerotic tribute to douchebag A, douchebag B chugs the bottle.

Really, fellas? I guess this is some form of humiliation. As a "bro" chugs the perceived feminine bottle of liquor, and some of the sugary concoction dribbles onto his popped collar, he is shamed. All the other bros get a good laugh.

First off, I hate when people say bro. If you call me bro, as sometimes happens at work or a Philadelphia police officer on a routine traffic stop, I automatically hate you.

The shame here shouldn't be derived from the fact that you are drinking a bottle of booze that is horrible, but the fact that you are indeed, horrible. You are a moron if your friends try to force you to drink booze. You are a moron if you give in to their pressure and drop to a knee out of some obligation.

This is an awful trend. But, as always, there's a silver lining. Much like Ed Hardy, Bob Marley shirts, Dave Matthews Band stickers on your Jeep Wrangler, a history of lacrosse playing, liking any of these new screamo bands, reading Twilight, doing Jager bombs, acting like anyone on the Jersey Shore etc etc - I can pick you out as a moron who will live an unfulfilling life and die miserable and alone. So thank you, for saving me the time of getting to know you and cultivating a hate for you. I can cut out the middle man and hate you from jump street. Thanks.

Sorry if this post seems a little disjointed. I got wicked dizzy in the middle of it and passed out for two hours. Weeeee

Good Advice from a Bad Person

It's happening. Get ready. Also here's some general advice: Stop burning your house down, bring me pizza, get a haircut, hippie.

Dear Tony,

During the course of my work week I frequently have to speak with and assist the elderly, both in person and over the phone. I have no patience for old decaying fucks. These senile old bags come in here stinking like moth balls and dirty Depends making me gag and forcing me to choke down my own vomit. They head straight for the free coffee and pastries with their dirty poop hands, most likely spreading E. Coli all over everything. They sit at my desk asking me questions they already know the answer to (or could easily find the answer to if they only had a clue what the fucking internet was) and telling me to speak loudly because their hearing aid battery is probably dead or they have too much wax buildup. They tell me I should be disappointed in myself, because the economy is in the shitter and this isn't 1919, so they aren't getting a 20% rate on their savings. So I sit there screaming in these old crones' faces, my throat heaving and my mouth salivating, all the while imagining how to kill myself in creative ways before the age of 50. There are also the deaf bastards that call, after yelling at me because we aren't listed in the phone book (why haven't they heard of GOOGLE?) they start asking the same questions, bitching about the same shit, refusing to listen to me, telling me to speak louder and before i know it I've lost my voice and my staff is laughing so hard they need Depends. Needless to say, I need some advice on how to better cope with these geriatrics on a daily basis that doesn't involve a bottle of cheap whiskey in my desk drawer or a handgun. Remember this isn't 1919.

Sincerely,

Honey I'll be in the Garage, Don't Open the Door.

Dear HIBITGDOTD,

I'll start with a quote from the great Moe Szyslak - "Old people are no good at everything." While Moe's sage wisdom is a great catchall for your, and my, feelings on the elderly, it isn't really true. They are very good at a few things. Smelling weird, hobbling, taking a really long time doing anything and mostly complaining. You'd probably complain about everything too if your pants were full of dump and your parts didn't work. Alas, this is a flimsy and unacceptable excuse for their behavior.

I have always supported a "send old people to Canada" platform. Canada would love them! They would love Canada! They are both so quaint. One wears funny hats the other IS a funny hat. I love this idea.

Until that glorious day, we need to deal with them. Well, I don't really because I don't have a retail job - but you do. So here's my advice. Smile and nod, ask about their grandkids, don't balk at their archaic racism and unplug their life support. Or take solace in the fact that one day you will be able to walk around smelling like a French whorehouse covering the scent of your banana mush lunch that you have crapped into your pants and complain about everything. One day you too will be able to kvetch about prices of bean curd, strike strange children in public and get discounts on the bus. Enjoy!

Keep up the good work,
Tony

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

Here's today's beef. Names. I caught a list of the most popular baby names of 2009. THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE. Stop naming your babies stupid things. Here are some names from the top 25 for boys: Ethan, Noah, Jacob, Aiden, Logan, Jayden, Liam, Tyler, Gavin, Lucas, Evan, Mason, Dylan and Caleb. Ok look at that list of names. Are any of those the name of a good dude? No. Are they the names of douchebags, pansies and assholes? Yes. The only good name in the top 25 was Jack, and that's not even a real name. The girls are even worse: Isabella is number one. Really? After Twilight? Way to go, dummies. Also Madison, Abigail, Addison, Avery, Hailey, Riley. Those are porn star names, fyi parents. Down the list it gets even trashier and stupider. Names like Colton, Carson, Cooper, Tristan, Parker, Hayden, CHARLIE, Blake, Cadence?, Markenna, Jada, Kennedy - are all in the top 100. Really? There are human beings named these things? I fear for the future.


Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.

Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook


Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?

Code Blue

My mind was boggled and my ghast was flabbered twice at dinner this weekend.
To set the scene: Lovely Lady and I are feeling peckish. She's got a hankering for the mussels of the bar we go to too much.
It's dinner time on a weekend, so we suspect the place will be a shit show. It is, but we find a seat at the bar. We are seated between the loudest man who ever lived and a mind numbingly boring couple which consists of a pandering boyfriend and his fake wine snob girlfriend.

The LMWEL is like an infomercial pitch man, shitty movie dad and Dick Vitale rolled into one. He's there with what I assume is his son, just aggressively talking at him the entire time. Everything is shouted and everything is advice-y. Not good times.

The couple is just a typical lame-o couple. The girl orders some wine, the bartender brings her a glass. She tastes it. The 'tender asks her how she likes it and before rendering her verdict she needs to know what it is. He tells her it's some whatever white wine from Chile. Ooooh yeah I like it, she responds. Then she lectures her boyfriend on the quality of Chilean white wines, but the crappiness of Chilean reds. BLAH BLAH SNORE SNORE. If this girl had gotten a Franzia and he told her it was a Chilean white she would have said the same crap - she asked what it was before saying if she liked it. People are dumb. Wait, I'm supposed to show, not tell. I think I did both.

Unfortunately, enduring those two bookends was only the beginning of the human car crash.
Older couple, enter stage right. They look around for a seat, not finding one they manifest destiny eminent domain our corner of the bar. Reaching over an eating Lovely Lady to order and drink Chardonnays with ice. We have our food at this point. The slightly more manly half of the couple pulls up a chair for his blushing bride at the corner of a bar. Which, as we all know is NOT A SEAT. The place their icy goblets in such a place that whenever they want some they have to literally reach over Lovely Lady's muscular platter. Getting frustrated we dip out to make a phone call and take in the air (read: smoke a cigarette). We announce our intentions. The old fella didn't understand our announcement and asked Lovely Lady if we were leaving. She courteously responds with a definitive 'Nope.' Our 1/4 eaten food, personal effects and Nope were not enough to convince him, he turns to me - "You're NOT leaving?!?!"
No, sir, we are not (paraphrased).
At this point in the retelling I really want to admire this fellas stick-to-it-iveness. Kudos.
Within moments of getting outside we take a break from our bitching about the horrible people inside to notice he was, indeed, not dissuaded. He set up camp in Lovely Lady's seat. Baffling. Creepy, shitty, rude old dude is now talking and leaning and carrying on all over our dinners.
We come back in, he gets up, makes some corny joke and goes back to leaning on Lovely Lady's chair. We couldn't believe it. Lovely Lady was too creeped/grossed to finish her meal. We necessarily switched to drinking. Well, she did.

Those three sets of insanity finally made their way out and we joked and laughed with the bartenders at the sheer craziness that our night had been to this point. 'People these days...' and all that.

Then came in some younger couples. Mid 30s. The last couple to arrive comes in toting a baby in a baby carrier thing. Great, we'll have to deal with a shrieking baby. So they come in, great their friends and blow my mind. They plop their baby down - ON THE BAR. Baby on the bar. Where it stayed for the next hour and half while the parents joked and drank with their friends. Baby on the bar.
I of course texted my friends about the craziness going down. Funny responses: 'Body shots!' and the command 'Spin it!'

I am glad I am not horrified, but amused. People are crazy, rude and self centered. The least we can do is laugh at them. Not our place to straighten em out, but to laugh at them in the comfort of out-of-earshot and blogs.