Boyz II Men

Here's my final Phillyist column.

Short and sweet. ish.

Rodeo

I was sick all weekend.

I slept for 17 of the 24 hours between 2 am Saturday and 2 am Sunday. I never do that. It was bizarre.

Yesterday was the "Christmas" party at Cheers. I think I have a hangover despite not drinking. But I won a prize? So there's that.

Also: football, annoying whore cat, Target, watermelon juice, cough medicine brain freeze, not enough degrees, tapas, all my electronics turning on me, else.

Via Black and wtf.

Gimme books to read.

Someone suggested Martin Amis. I started reading Time's Arrow because it was the only book of his the book store had, but it is kind of annoying to read. I mean, I think that is kind of the point?

So, on to Phillyist:

Phillyist is shutting down. Meaning, my Good Advice From a Bad Person columns are now homeless, at least as far as a home beyond here.

If anyone knows of a spot for them to be, that'd be awesome. Especially if that spot wanted to pay me to write them. I need to get my shit together and try to find something. I should write to Philly Weekly and the City Paper.

The Phillyist editors are making a new site. But a) I don't think they like me very much anymore after I was a pain in the ass to them and b) I don't think my particular brand of wit fits with their "theater reviews!" theme. They left me out of the "here's our new idea" email until I specifically asked for it.

Onward and upward.

RIP

So this is happening.

Crap.

Phillyist will no longer be publishing new posts as of February 1st.

I blame everyone, but me.

To be honest, this is a huge bummer, and I am super grateful Phillyist hooked me up and gave me a spot to post my stuff.

I'll write more about this when I understand it a little better.

If all else fails I will just publish my GAFABPs here, as I did before. But I would really love to find another home for them.


Hmmm I wonder if Philebrity is 'hiring'.

A Day Late

Ooooops.

My Good Advice From a Bad Person is up today instead of yesterday.

So be it.

Same Bat Channel

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person.

It is about hamsters. Awwww.

Have To

Here it is, like every other Thursday.

In other news, fuck your couch.

Holler

Check out my new post over at Phillyist.

It's not the typical GAFABP, since you guys totally slacked on letters.

Also, worst week ever, seriously.

Better late than never

Column finally went up over at Phillyist. Get some!

Ps it is snowing. I love snow. And Christmas.

Editors Gonna Edit

So this conversation is better than the actual article, and will make more sense once that goes up, but I thought you guys might enjoy this.

The joke in question:

The obvious solution would be to tell people you aren't pregnant when they ask. Isn't that some sort of stranger nightmare? "Hey pregnant lady! Yous all pregnant and stuff!" and then you say "Why no, uncouth hoi polloi, I'm just overstuffed as of late, I enjoy french fries and beers, thank you. That's a lovely cell phone holster you have." Because talking about someone's fatness is way ruder than talking about someone's reproductive choices apparently. America!

editor: Tony, can you break this sentence up please? Also, fair warning - I am cutting your cell phone holster joke. Otherwise, we're good to go. Just let me know when you've corrected that line.

me: why are you cutting the cell phone holster joke/

which sentence?

1:59 PM editor: You may also want to try telling people you are a surrogate, pretending you don't speak English, drawing a big sad face on your pregnant stomach, abortion, faux, over-enthusiasm, practicing unfriendly glares in your mirror, preemptively asking strangers if they are pregnant, or simply ignoring them.

Also, I question your pic of walmart without specific walmart reference.

2:00 PM me: haha

editor: I mean, I get it, but...

me: can i just semicolons in that sentence instead of breaking it up?

2:02 PM editor: My concern is double: that breaks in your list are unclear (solved by semicolon, okay), but also that you have a one sentence paragraph.

2:03 PM me: i have a few one sentence paragraphs

2:04 PM do you wear a cell phone holster on your belt?

editor: Nope. Also, that joke is irrelevant to your point in that paragraph and lacking set-up. Thus gone.

2:05 PM me: dude,

that's what makes it funny.

editor: DUDE.

I'm your editor and I'm telling you it's not. I'm sorry.

It might sound funny in your head, but it's a non-sequitur read.

2:08 PM me: I didn't know you were a joke editor. I thought you were like a copy editor.

editor: non-sequitur is a copy edit.

When things don't make sense, I get to have you change them or I get to take them out.

2:09 PM You feel like making a walmart joke there to make your picture make sense - I would recommend that.

me: it does make sense. someone who would say that would wear a cell phone holder. i'm developing characters in the small space i am allotted!

2:11 PM editor: That's great, but no.

me: plus the circular randomness of a stranger asking you fi you are pregnant and then you telling them an innapropriately over personal fashion critique! my jokes are subtle and nuanced

haha

2:12 PM ok plus MT won't let me log in, plus i wish i got sense-making edit your sports list

2:13 PM editor: The fact of the matter is, very little of your writing gets changed, you need to back off fighting for every little thing. There are reasons behind it. I will now go ahead and semicolon your list because I have wasted all the time I am able to spend on this at my real job...

2:14 PM me: Well, i'd be happy to change it if MT weren't a cruel mistress. Plus Phillies fans love pat burrell.

editor: lol. Not lately.

MT is a cruel mistress.

me: I log in, which takes forever then it takes me to a completely blank page.

editor: It loses whole things.

2:15 PM MT's a major bitch sometimes.

2:16 PM me: Eh, I just thought you cut the cell phone joke because you were afraid of offending our cell phone holster wearing readership. I make a lot of jokes like that, I love jokes like that.

2:17 PM editor: And some of them are funny and make sense. Like accusing the 50s of being stupid.

me: haha

cell phone holster was my favorite joke in the hole thing. you have a way of finding that and killing it.

you're like a tony's favorite joke assassin

2:18 PM editor: That's funny, because it was basically a black hole in that paragraph. Well, more like a giant stop sign.

me: oh burn

that's the point!

it's like bam

joke slap in the face.

2:20 PM editor: like I said, funny in your head. But disruptive to the paragraph. going back to work now.

2:21 PM me: i checked. my fan club said it was funny.

sorry i couldn't fix the semicolons

editor: It's not a big deal.

me: i'm making a comment on the article that says "cell phone holster! ATTICA ATTICA!"
Editor is no longer available to chat.

EDIT: Here is the actual link to the article.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Today's GAFABP is about being obsessed with celebrities.

Check it out here, over at Phillyist.

Eagles score 100 points tonight. I will almost guarantee it.

Thursday

Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist. This one featuring Mom.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Here is today's Good Advice From a Bad Person up over at Phillyist.

It's about nightmares. It's pretty boring.

Sorry.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

You know the drill.

It's Thursday, get some Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This week I tackle SAD and winter activities. Enjoy!

Good Advice From a Bad Person

As usual, here's my Good Advice From a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

This one is about ear germs, talking on the phone and being a bitter old man. Enjoy!

Goodnight Sweet Princes

Say it ain't so.

Mercy. Mercy.

Wow, that was an awful weekend.

My feelings on the Phillies are documented over at Phillyist.

So, check that out.

In other news. Ummm. There's other news? Nevermind.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

Thursday! Four PM!

You should know this by now.

A Halloween advice column by me is up over at Phillyist.

Phillyist

A GAFABP I am particularily fond of is up over at Phillyist.

The editor kinda edited the shit out of it, and said I "went off the rails a little" during my "side rant" and that it needed to be "reigned in." Meh, I liked it better before.

Either way, I like it.

Phillyist

Well, this is my 100th post. I was going to write a bunch of crap to celebrate the occasion, but my blog-neglect continues. Instead this is merely a link to my latest Phillyist article.

I got some things in the pipeline, including some awesome playlists.

Please, gimme some more GAFABPs, I need em.

Also, if you see one of the GAFABPs I've already run on here up over there, don't blow up my spot. Shhhhh.

We'll have a 101st post extravaganza.

Good Advice From a Bad Person

It's Thursday at four, that means Good Advice from a Bad Person over at Phillyist.

Check it before you wreck it.

Maybe I'll see you jerks at the party tonight, I'll be the handsome one.

Alchemy

First up, everyone should go to this awesome shit tomorrow.
It's Phillyist's relaunch party, and it has a great theme and really, really good prizes. Plus it is at a really good bar. WHAT COULD BE BETTER. No question mark needed. Because it was rhetorical. And the answer is nothing.

I've been watching the second season of Fringe. It came out on DVD recently, and I kinda love it. Sure, it's baby X-Files, but hey, X-Files! PS X-Files is my favorite TV show of all time, not counting my other favorite TV shows of all time (Futurama, Friday Night Lights, Venture Brothers).

Science!

The Jersey Shore is known as "Macaroni Rascals" in Japan. Thank you Japan.

I really wish I hated Loveless by My Bloody Valentine, but I can't, because it's near perfect.

New tattoo imminent.

I want to go home.