Brrr

So, the PHILLIES signed Clifton Phifer Lee. People are suggesting PHOUR LOKO as their nickname, which is terrible, just like everything else that has to do with 4 loko. I prefer The Phantastic Phour. Now, this analogy is way harder to make than I expected.

Cole Hamels is obviously Sue Storm, despite his stretchiness.

Roy Halladay is Reed, because he's the leader and pretty tall.

After that, it gets tricky.

I am going to go with

Roy Oswalt is the Thing, because he doesn't seem very smart, but he's a total badass.

Cliff Lee is the Human Torch. Because he's hot? And brash and cocky, as evidenced by his pop-up nonchalance in the world series.

See? Doesn't that feel a little unsatisfying? Maybe Oswalt as the torch because he throws hard? A little too easy.

Either way, 4 Loko is stupid. Get over it. Maybe a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse comparison is in order.

Also, I think a good measure of a man is the Texts From Last Night that people send them and ask if they are about them. These are two that I got today:

(417) Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and "made it rain"?

and

(541) He's the only one I know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour about the science in Star Wars and still get laid.


There you have it folks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make it rain. Mmm.

More like WONday

I saw Harry Potter. I don't read them, as books with 24 pt fonts make me feel stupid. It was a pretty good movie about teenaged wizards, and they always help kick off the Christmas season.

I went shopping for Christmas cards (send me your address to be added to my list). Almost all Christmas cards are painfully stupid. It was tempting to send all the girls on my list cards that say Ho Ho Ho. I realized my best option would be to just make my own. So I bought some rubber stamps and had at it. That ink gets everywhere.

I just submitted a few things to an online literary magazine. I also just punched myself for saying that. Point is, I had to write a bio for them. This is what I wrote:

[Bingo Rockefeller] is a criminally underpaid writer and somewhat fairly paid editor living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He writes a weekly advice column for the website Phillyist titled "Good Advice From a Bad Person." He is taller than he looks and will never find the perfect root beer.
I should have mentioned my tiny-headed cat. Literary magazines love cats.

The Phillies lost Jayson Werth and one of Philadelphia sport's greatest beards. But they also lost Philadelphia sport's worst soul patch, so there's that.

Here is today's addition to my Christmas Wish List. Listen up, Santa.


I can't decide if I want the stormtrooper or Vader, but both are awesome. Read about them here.

I watched Santa's Slay last night. It was easily the best Christmas horror movie ever starring Goldberg and Claire Littleton. Also the worst.

I'm getting this for my cat for Christmas.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

Hey, nice goal USA - but seriously if this makes more people name their sons Landon, it'll be for naught. Why not Lando? Lando>Landon. When I get rich, I'm buying some professional sports team, moving them to Florida and renaming them the Orlando Calrissians. They will be the best team ever and wear purple capes. The end.

Baron Administrator? I think you mean Space Pimp.

You know what I don't hate? Finally having a phone that works. Android for life! Android>iOS

Awwww

Heyyyy everybody, be better at driving please. Those lines painted on the ground? Park between them. Not just near them, or on them. I know you can't really drive that massive SUV your Dentist husband bought for you so you wouldn't have to be seen in a minivan, but please, try to keep it between the lines. And yo, bro, I know that's a beemer and all, but put it in a spot. I know you're in a hurry, as evidenced by your bluetooth conversation, but putting your hazards on out front to grab your quad iced venti non-fat two pump sugar free vanilla caramel macchiato is not an acceptable excuse.

There are bad drivers everywhere, but most girls are mostly bad. I've noticed recently this driving strategy a lot of girls have adopted. Was there a driving lesson episode of Sex & the City or something? Are these instructions stitched inside Ugg Boots? HOW DID SO MANY GIRLS LEARN THE SAME SHITTY WAY TO DRIVE?

Alright, here's the technique - See that car in front of you? get as close as you can. Not to pass them, just to follow them. Get as close as you can with that stupid lei hanging off your rear view and just stay there. So many girls do this. I've had them behind me, in their Eclipse, with a Roxy sticker, checking their hair in their rearview mirror which is pointed at them and not the road, getting way too close. So, my natural reaction when a car comes up quickly behind me is to just scoot out of the way and let them pass. BUT THEY DON'T PASS. You change lanes and then they just hang there, where you left them, lost. Left to their own devices, with no car to follow, they don't know what to do. Their dopey cars just hanging there in the left lane, with them inside making the face a dog makes when you ask it a math problem.


Wait, what?

Why do they all do this? How did so many girls learn to drive this way? It's baffling.



Hey ladies, stick to the hoods.

WRR

Ahhh another weekend in the books. A hot, humid, gross weekend. Felt like I was back in 'Nam.

The World Cup started. I decided I was going to watch it this year. Those crafty soccer players immediately put me to the test by going out there and getting two goals in two games, which both ended in ties. I am tested. Watching 130 lb guys with bad haircuts pretending to be hurt as they flop and kick their way to a nil nil draw isn't making my World Cup mission easy. I will stick to it. Oh, and those horns. THOSE HORNS. USA USA USA.

Speaking of USA USA USA

Han, mah bukee, keelee caleya ky kah. Hay lapa no ya Solo!

What a story. I smell a Disney movie. Oh no wait, that's just pork rinds dipped in icing. I guess we all need goals? And then we need to eat those goals. And die. At least this story let me look up some phonetic Jabba the Hutt quotes! Excuse to use star wars tag!

cute! cruel? who cares, cute!

Is this cruel? I don't think so. Animals get groomed all the time. I see those stupid big poodles with their stupid haircuts and nobody says that is cruel. These guys just get dyes with their cuts. I'm in! Can I make my cats look like hammerhead sharks?


pew pew!

Is this awesome or stupid? Both! That site has some other great stuff for sale too.

Well that wraps up your links for the day. Get into it!

Ummmm

Before I get to anything else I thought this might make your head explode. Also how is this the first time I'm tagging a post "Star Wars"?