Diary of a Hater

Here's a quick list of reasons you look stupid.

Girls in baseball hats You aren't fooling anyone - I get it, you didn't wash your hair. It makes your tiny head look stupid and that greasy ponytail hanging out the back is gross. I don't like girls in hats, your pink Phillies hat isn't winning me over. I'll hate it even more if it's some dopey mesh hat at a jaunty angle. Gross. You have to be a special girl to be able to pull off the J-Lo hat, you probably aren't. Steer clear.

Look how dumb she looks, and she's way prettier than you.

Guys with Goatees So which is it, are you a minor league baseball player or Blockbuster employee? Because that's what you look like. You know what both of these guys have in common? They are weirdos who spend their entire lives with dudes, dudes who aren't particularly good judges of facial hair choices. You don't look like an old movie villain, prince or actor - you look like a 19 year old experimenting with his dad's razor. To be fair, a few guys can pull this off, but you probably aren't one of them.

This is actually a secret scientology signifier for 'jackass'

Obviously, chinstraps are out too. Don't be that guy. Unless you're over 40, don't grow a mustache, irony is a dead scene.

Any of these horrible T-shirts


abortion

Jesus, these shirts are terrible. First and foremost, they are heinous. These are some of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen. Second, these shirts prove to me that you love watching dudes roll around in underpants and punch each other, and that you will get VERY ANGRY that I just called you gay (if you understood my implication, that is). Tapout? Your shirt says tapout? Ok, let's see how long it takes. Just combine one of these with a chinstrap beard so I can run you over with my car. Thanks.

Diary of a Hater

I hate Reggae. I think it is annoying and grating and simplistic.

Reggae is dance music - it is music to be played at clubs for people to dance to. Reggae is fundamentally Pop. Bob Marley = Britney Spears. The great and esteemed Bob Marley wrote derivative dance songs that sounded like every other Reggae dance song. Yet somehow he ended up on the walls of many confused, annoying, white college kids.



Yo bro, I love Linkin Park and all, but when I want to chillax, I just put on Bob.

At least he's sincere. Nothing is worse than shitty white folks playing shitty Reggae.

Dear OAR, your song "Crazy Game of Poker" is the worst song ever written. First off, it's way too long, if your song is longer than Bohemian Rhapsody, and 1/100th as good, there are problems. Second, you guys aren't allowed to try to cajole the crowd into saying "Jah" and "revolution" - you know, cause you're shitty white dudes and your audience is comprised solely of shitty white dudes.

Dear Sublime, just stop. It was bad enough when you were a band and your lead singer wasn't dead yet - but still touring without him? Ouch. Why do people love Sublime? Lowest common denominator punk mixed with lowest common denominator Reggae mixed with pop - that's their recipe for success and I'm sending it back. No thanks.




Also hating:
back pain
Lebron James
being so far from my birthday

Not hating:
SWT
rice cooker
cap'n Jazz

Diary of a Hater

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, but, as you know, I'm a busy guy.



Sometimes, something comes along which everyone loves and I inexplicably hate. Perhaps that's why I hate it. Perhaps I am just contrarian by nature. Perhaps it is the overexposure, hype or incessant references to something.

Exhibit A:




What a complete panic attack this movie is for me. It has so many things I can't stand: singing, petulant children, poor people, awkward midget servants, kids being chastised - the whole thing is designed to ruin my day.

Singing in movies/shows/stage productions has always made me feel terrible. It makes me embarrassed for the people doing the singing. I can feel their awkwardness and it is some kind of weird sympathy/empathy that just makes me squirm. I can't stand it.

The children in this movie are terrible. "I want a golden goose egg now daddy" is my go to phrase for whenever a female friend is being princessy. Sometimes used interchangeably with "But I wanted to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!"

The bucket family, with their tiny dirty house, live in grandparents and laundry done by basin and giant wooden fork are cringe inducing. I don't want to watch that! Why are you trying to make me feel bad, weird children's movie?

The oompa loompas are terrible. Just awful. Stop singing, why do your pants do that, why are you orange? Why do you move so awkwardly, why are their words on the screen, do all midgets make up words? This is horrible.

At the end, when Charlie finally makes it to the private meet and greet with Willy - this should be a triumph, this should be his shining moment, he made it to the end where the spoiled children failed! But no! First he has to get yelled at by a deranged Gene Wilder, why!? Why do we have to suffer through this scene before we get the payoff?

This whole movie is designed to make me feel horrible. From the kids making Charlie feel bad for not eating enough candy, to the grandfather's old legs dancing around on that cold wooden floor to Charlie bashfully taking a verbal beating. And then there's this scene, my darkest childhood cinematic moment, the most torturous four minute stretch in any movie, the absolute worst thing I could imagine having to sit through in a movie:



The cheer up Charlie song. I pray everyday I will never have to sit through that poor cherubic mother singing outside of her poor little hovel to her poor little son to cheer up despite living a horrible, pathetic life. No thanks.

Diary of a Hater

You know what used to drive me BONKERS and, as I found out from youtube, still does?

Kids who are horrible at Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Quick! Give him your life pendant!

The questions in the beginning were super easy. If you got eliminated right off, you are a moron. Second, the challenges were super easy. Third, the temple was super easy.

The hardest part about the entire temple was a 4 rung ladder. Seriously. How did you not make it through the shrine of the silver monkey? It was only three pieces! THREE PIECES! How did you screw that up? Watching these mouth breathers struggle to put together a foam 3 piece puzzle inspired so much rage in me. It wasn't even a maze. It was just some rooms were locked. Turn around, big deal. My favorite part of the show though, in retrospect since it made me furious at the time, was teammates palpably hating each other. First, the dude would go. He'd be sliding through doors in his team colored sweatpants, busting through walls, climbing through the fake snakes. He was killing it. Eventually though, a temple guard would get him. On to the girl. Who would meander around the temple, never running, go into rooms that were already locked, screw up puzzles, push the same door button over and over while it didn't open and just fail miserably. This is really funny to watch now.

That's one of the longer paragraphs I've ever written on here. Bitching about kids failing at a gameshow from 15 years ago. Moving on.

I've always wanted a piece of the Aggro Crag. Saw one on Ebay once for $35,000. On to Mo for the results: TOO EXPENSIVE. I'd probably pay $500.

People who don't have tattoos always look at mine and tell me their ideas. It is funny to me. People without tattoos always have elaborate plans for their first one. "Well yeah, it's like a butterfly in a circle. The circle represents my grandmother because she was always "AROUND" get it? And I'm the butterfly, because I took a long time to realize I'm a beautiful person, and they both also represent change, cause like a butterfly changes, from a moth into a butterfly. and it's also about my sister. cause she's like beautiful."

Or they just come up with horrible reasons for their completely standard flash tattoos. See above.

Also don't call them tats, or tatts, or ink. Tattoos is fine. Plus it is fun to say! any word with double o is fun to say. Boobs, taboo, woot etc.



Jason must be stoked. I wish some girl would get a tiger face in the shape of a butterfly with my name under it. How romantic.

Rank your tattoo? Ok: last.

Diary of a Hater

Hey! You know what I hate? Fake cookies! I'm looking at you, oatmeal raisin.



If I wanted all that healthy crap I wouldn't be eating cookies, now would I. It's not like they are good for you either. Is this some sort of guilt avoidance trick? "I want cookies, but I don't want to feel bad about it - I'll just throw some non-delicious crap in there and it will be all better!"

No! It doesn't work like that. Man up and eat a triple chocolate chunk, pansy. Hey raisins, get out of here. You're dumb, you aren't even a grape. You don't belong in my cookies. Sometimes you even trick me into thinking you are chocolate chips and I get SO MAD at you. I hate you.



Hey - you want a broccoli cookie? No! I don't, creep.

My worst birthday ever was the one where my mom get me a carrot cake. CARROT CAKE? You've got to be kidding me. Carrots don't belong in cakes! What am I, a rabbit? Thanks for nothing, MOM. You're lucky I got so many sweet GI Joes that birthday, or you would have been on my shitlist all year.

Destro, you idiot! Carrot cakes are gross!

Also currently hating:
Ineffective air conditioning
Bad drivers
Sirens
World Cup games that don't involve someone getting kicked in the face
Shirts with sleeves
The Man
Waiting a whole week for the next FNL episode
Not having more GAFABPs (Your fault!)

Currently digging/getting stoked on:
Concerts of bands I never thought I'd see (Faith no more, Cap'n Jazz)
Futurama
Kittens (shut up!)
Root Beer!

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater / Shut up

Hey! Remember the 80s?!

Yep, still looks dumb

Yeah, me neither. Probably because I was five when they were effectively over. Just like you were if you're under the age of 28. You must have been the coolest two year old ever if you remember dancing to Cyndi Lauper and crushing on Billy Idol. I never understood this invented nostalgia for something people were never a part of. Maybe you're just nostalgic for nostalgic VH1 shows. OMG I LOVE THE 80s! Ok, that's fine, if not misguided and proof of horrible taste, but you weren't there.

You know what your coming of age music was? Silverchair not Poison. Maybe some Whitney Houston, certainly no Tiffany. Crash Test Dummies, not Mr. Big. I don't get it. Are you that stupid that because TV told you you were there, you really think that? Do you have fake memories of leg warmers and Ronald Reagan?

Verrrrry hard to driiiink

For a while it was just fake nostalgia, 80's parties and stupid facebook groups. But now, it's "retro" and some of these horrible staples are creeping back in. Hipsters are wearing acid wash jeans and over sized shirts and those horrible sunglasses. These GODAWFUL "screamo" bands all have the neon colored shirts and logos. Wait, hold on, hate break. These bands, these "screamo" bands are so terrible and offensive to anyone with any musical taste, they need to die in a fire. They play horrible, lowest-common-denominator pop music, throw in a couple screams and that's it. I am old, but I am not wrong.

This might be even worse than the actual 80's. Impressive

Back to previous hate. This really stoked up my ire for two reasons. Sure, some cool stuff happened in the 80's, like Return of the Jedi and the USSR crapping its bed, but, for the most part, it was horrible then and it's even worse now. We should know better. And also you weren't there. Be glad you weren't. The 80's were full of morons, be your own kind of moron for the 10's.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

Hey, nice goal USA - but seriously if this makes more people name their sons Landon, it'll be for naught. Why not Lando? Lando>Landon. When I get rich, I'm buying some professional sports team, moving them to Florida and renaming them the Orlando Calrissians. They will be the best team ever and wear purple capes. The end.

Baron Administrator? I think you mean Space Pimp.

You know what I don't hate? Finally having a phone that works. Android for life! Android>iOS

Awwww

Heyyyy everybody, be better at driving please. Those lines painted on the ground? Park between them. Not just near them, or on them. I know you can't really drive that massive SUV your Dentist husband bought for you so you wouldn't have to be seen in a minivan, but please, try to keep it between the lines. And yo, bro, I know that's a beemer and all, but put it in a spot. I know you're in a hurry, as evidenced by your bluetooth conversation, but putting your hazards on out front to grab your quad iced venti non-fat two pump sugar free vanilla caramel macchiato is not an acceptable excuse.

There are bad drivers everywhere, but most girls are mostly bad. I've noticed recently this driving strategy a lot of girls have adopted. Was there a driving lesson episode of Sex & the City or something? Are these instructions stitched inside Ugg Boots? HOW DID SO MANY GIRLS LEARN THE SAME SHITTY WAY TO DRIVE?

Alright, here's the technique - See that car in front of you? get as close as you can. Not to pass them, just to follow them. Get as close as you can with that stupid lei hanging off your rear view and just stay there. So many girls do this. I've had them behind me, in their Eclipse, with a Roxy sticker, checking their hair in their rearview mirror which is pointed at them and not the road, getting way too close. So, my natural reaction when a car comes up quickly behind me is to just scoot out of the way and let them pass. BUT THEY DON'T PASS. You change lanes and then they just hang there, where you left them, lost. Left to their own devices, with no car to follow, they don't know what to do. Their dopey cars just hanging there in the left lane, with them inside making the face a dog makes when you ask it a math problem.


Wait, what?

Why do they all do this? How did so many girls learn to drive this way? It's baffling.



Hey ladies, stick to the hoods.

Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater

I think it'd be a little obvious to hate on the World Cup today.

Caleb and Tristan love soccer. Everybody wins!

Sure, soccer as a whole is pretty make-fun-able, and this year's World Cup has been pretty terrible too - ties everywhere, super soft goals and that horrible horn. But! I'm going to dodge that easy target and take on something that doesn't basically ridicule itself just by shitting the bed in its biggest stage.

You got lucky this time, soccer.

Someone recently tipped me off to a phenomenon (used loosely) known as bros icing bros. I will not dignify it with a link. Basically douchebag A leaves crappy bottle of booze for douchebag B - who is forced, through some code of bro-ness, to drink said bottle. On one knee, in some homoerotic tribute to douchebag A, douchebag B chugs the bottle.

Really, fellas? I guess this is some form of humiliation. As a "bro" chugs the perceived feminine bottle of liquor, and some of the sugary concoction dribbles onto his popped collar, he is shamed. All the other bros get a good laugh.

First off, I hate when people say bro. If you call me bro, as sometimes happens at work or a Philadelphia police officer on a routine traffic stop, I automatically hate you.

The shame here shouldn't be derived from the fact that you are drinking a bottle of booze that is horrible, but the fact that you are indeed, horrible. You are a moron if your friends try to force you to drink booze. You are a moron if you give in to their pressure and drop to a knee out of some obligation.

This is an awful trend. But, as always, there's a silver lining. Much like Ed Hardy, Bob Marley shirts, Dave Matthews Band stickers on your Jeep Wrangler, a history of lacrosse playing, liking any of these new screamo bands, reading Twilight, doing Jager bombs, acting like anyone on the Jersey Shore etc etc - I can pick you out as a moron who will live an unfulfilling life and die miserable and alone. So thank you, for saving me the time of getting to know you and cultivating a hate for you. I can cut out the middle man and hate you from jump street. Thanks.

Sorry if this post seems a little disjointed. I got wicked dizzy in the middle of it and passed out for two hours. Weeeee

Diary of a Hater

First up today, The Wire. But Tony! This is your column where you hate stuff! You can't possibly hate The Wire! It's soooooo gooooooood.

Ok I didn't hate the wire. I was just underwhelmed. This show was hyped to me, recommended to me, by so many people whose opinions I respect. And they were wrong.

The whole thing felt so emporer's-new-clothes to me. Everyone heard this show was so great and I guess they wanted to make sure they were aboard that train. They didn't want to not get it.

Maybe I didn't get it.



I'm the only likable character!


So what did y'all like about it so much? How real it was? How do you know? How do you know that this show is so real and true and honest to the streets of Baltimore's drug trade? You don't. You just say that. And it isn't that real. The cheese stands alone. Lots of gangsters like nursery rhymes.

The whole thing was chugging along nicely until the last season. I have never seen a show that jumped the shark harder than The Wire. So much so that I'm going to start calling it ******** *** **** instead of jumping the shark. Spoiler edit. Season five was so bad and so disappointing. First, it was completely off the rails plot wise. The characters either changed completely or had unclear motives for their insane actions. The show became a parody of itself with winks, nods and cameos. I'm surprised there wasn't a musical episode.

So, if you're keeping score - the Wire had five seasons, one awful season (5) one pointless, throwaway season (2), one forgettable season (3) and two very good seasons (1 & 4). 2/5 might get it done for baseball players, but you should probably do better than that if you are the "greatest show of all time."

Everyone loves how they "tied up all the loose ends" during season five. They did this largely through a cheesy and pedantic montage at the end a la the breakfast club. I'm surprised the show didn't end with a freeze frame of McNulty with his fist in the air. Also those tie-ups were disappointing. One of my favorite characters drifted out to sea, plot wise, never to be heard from again. And one of the only endearing young characters had a tragic fall, completely out of character. It felt like Simon was trying to real it up by putting him down.

As a whole, The Wire is a good television show with some great moments. It has plenty of faults. I watched the show with great scrutiny because of all the praise it received, and it fell under its own weight.

Here's a bonus hate for you: People who swing way out to the right to turn left. Learn how to turn dummies.

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

Here's today's beef. Names. I caught a list of the most popular baby names of 2009. THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE. Stop naming your babies stupid things. Here are some names from the top 25 for boys: Ethan, Noah, Jacob, Aiden, Logan, Jayden, Liam, Tyler, Gavin, Lucas, Evan, Mason, Dylan and Caleb. Ok look at that list of names. Are any of those the name of a good dude? No. Are they the names of douchebags, pansies and assholes? Yes. The only good name in the top 25 was Jack, and that's not even a real name. The girls are even worse: Isabella is number one. Really? After Twilight? Way to go, dummies. Also Madison, Abigail, Addison, Avery, Hailey, Riley. Those are porn star names, fyi parents. Down the list it gets even trashier and stupider. Names like Colton, Carson, Cooper, Tristan, Parker, Hayden, CHARLIE, Blake, Cadence?, Markenna, Jada, Kennedy - are all in the top 100. Really? There are human beings named these things? I fear for the future.


Hey there Tristan, Caleb, Jayden and Tristan. Sorry about your names, blame your parents.

Here is my list of fake names for my future sons that are better than all of those:
Robocop
Hammerhead Whalebone
Hercules T. Billionaire
Bingo Rockefeller
Optimus Prime
Vanderbilt Greystone
Thor (my personal favorite, and definitely going to name my son Thor)
Morbo
Throat Ripper
Greedo
Punch
Nostromo
Ming the Merciless
Slayer
Suge Night Shyamalan
Wolfman
Uzi
Archibald Armory
Reginald Wreckingball
Boom Boom
Opie Wan Kenobi
Pontius Pilates
Captain Hook


Ok so obviously some of those are borrowed from popular culture, but hey, I'd rather be named after Flash Gordon's nemesis than a sparkling vampire adored by fat chicks, no?

Tony's Always Right Tuesdays aka Diary of a Hater

and by Tuesday I mean Wednesday. Phew, good thing I left this day open, or I'd be screwed.

I am sorry to my loyal readers (just kidding) for missing Tuesday. First you have to go through a Tuesday without Lost, and now this? I hope you didn't kill yourself.

I have AT&T, my phone is crap and malfunctioning and I am in dire need of a new one. I know what you're thinking, like any other pseudo-hipster on the go, I should have an iPhone. And I would, if not for the iPhone being a horrible, fascist emporer's-new-clothes turd.
I am pretty anti-Apple as a whole. I think their computers and products, across the board, are dumbed-down versions of their more able, non-Jobsian products.


Have fun on your MacBook!

Things Apple does well: product design, marketing
Apple makes gorgeous products and some of the best packaging I have ever seen. That's a great way to sell products, but hey, guess what, they suck.

They are wildly overpriced. A comparable laptop costs a fraction of a MacBook. You are paying for this pretty packaging and image. Does that sound like something you really want to do?

I don't want to hear the myths either. Apple computers are no more capable of handling any program than any PC. I've handle the Adobe suite on both - there's no difference. The things that make it seem better are actually pretty crappy moves from Jobs. They lock down their computers to make them seem streamlined and easy to use. Sure it's easy to use if you lose half the functionality.

The iPhone is ubiquitous. The idea of an ap marketplace is exciting and appealing - until you see what they are doing. Any ap on the marketplace is approved by Apple. This for-your-benefit mothering is terrifying. I thought Apple was supposed to be the computers for the creative, free thinking sect. I guess it's really for the I-want-you-to-think-I'm-creative-and-free-thinking-but-I-can't-make-my-own-decisions-and-need-someone-to-tell-me-what-to-do sect. I can't stand the iPhone. The constant synching, the shitty keyboard, the iTunes or die etc etc etc. I don't have iTunes because I don't have an iPod - and I don't want it.

The iPad is a perfect example of what Apple is doing. The iPad is an inferior tablet computer, dumbed down, stripped of interesting features and marketed as something new and groundbreaking. It isn't new, it isn't groundbreaking and it is way too expensive. The only reason they have presented for you needing to buy one is "you need to buy one"
Don't.

My real beef with Apple is that they front. They are fronters. They act like they are the computer for creative types, they are friendly and kind, they aren't Microsoft. But they are, they are a massive profit machine who makes products that are lowest common denominator. Products that are much better suited for non-creative types. They are the same as Microsoft in their philosophy. Bill gates doesn't front. Microsoft is a tech giant and act like it. Be what you are.

So anyway, I'm waiting for a good Android phone to come out for AT&T. Apple's grip on AT&T is keeping the good Android phones off my shelves. Thanks again, Apple.