Diary of a Hater

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, but, as you know, I'm a busy guy.



Sometimes, something comes along which everyone loves and I inexplicably hate. Perhaps that's why I hate it. Perhaps I am just contrarian by nature. Perhaps it is the overexposure, hype or incessant references to something.

Exhibit A:




What a complete panic attack this movie is for me. It has so many things I can't stand: singing, petulant children, poor people, awkward midget servants, kids being chastised - the whole thing is designed to ruin my day.

Singing in movies/shows/stage productions has always made me feel terrible. It makes me embarrassed for the people doing the singing. I can feel their awkwardness and it is some kind of weird sympathy/empathy that just makes me squirm. I can't stand it.

The children in this movie are terrible. "I want a golden goose egg now daddy" is my go to phrase for whenever a female friend is being princessy. Sometimes used interchangeably with "But I wanted to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!"

The bucket family, with their tiny dirty house, live in grandparents and laundry done by basin and giant wooden fork are cringe inducing. I don't want to watch that! Why are you trying to make me feel bad, weird children's movie?

The oompa loompas are terrible. Just awful. Stop singing, why do your pants do that, why are you orange? Why do you move so awkwardly, why are their words on the screen, do all midgets make up words? This is horrible.

At the end, when Charlie finally makes it to the private meet and greet with Willy - this should be a triumph, this should be his shining moment, he made it to the end where the spoiled children failed! But no! First he has to get yelled at by a deranged Gene Wilder, why!? Why do we have to suffer through this scene before we get the payoff?

This whole movie is designed to make me feel horrible. From the kids making Charlie feel bad for not eating enough candy, to the grandfather's old legs dancing around on that cold wooden floor to Charlie bashfully taking a verbal beating. And then there's this scene, my darkest childhood cinematic moment, the most torturous four minute stretch in any movie, the absolute worst thing I could imagine having to sit through in a movie:



The cheer up Charlie song. I pray everyday I will never have to sit through that poor cherubic mother singing outside of her poor little hovel to her poor little son to cheer up despite living a horrible, pathetic life. No thanks.