GAFABP

Ahhh, Good advice from a bad person, how I've missed you. I got TWO submissions this week, I'm stoked. Still never got the rest of that one I got last week. Resend it. On to the advice!

Dear Tony,

Is it bad that i look at every girls tits and ass?
I mean I don't care if they're 90, I still like to see
whats going on. Am I really that big of a perv?

Nemesis Enforcer


Thanks for writing Nemesis Enforcer! This is an exciting day, as one of my childhood heroes took the time to write, and he's kind of a creep. Just kidding, anyone who can beat up Road Block can probably beat me up too:

This name so should have been on my name list


Ok NE, first off, 90 seems pretty old. You are looking at 90 year olds' asses? Checking for Depends? Just kidding! Don't beat me up. What you've got, in my medical opinion, is impressive ass-eye coordination. You've become so trained to scope the goods that it has become second nature. A female comes in range and you lock on. I think we all do this to one degree or another. In fact, the other day, I realized that a girl I know is so hideous that I don't know how big her boobs are. Someone was talking about said girl, and I realized "wow, she's so heinous I didn't even look at her cans" and that is remarkable.

What I'm trying to say is, you're normal. Don't sweat it. But 90 does seem pretty old. Perhaps scale it back a little with the geriatrics. My personal cutoff is Helen Mirren.

Rawr!

Good luck and Godspeed,

Tony

Another! Give us another! You shout. Ok!

Dear Tony,

Your angry little weblog's "Good Advice from a Bad Person" feature is less than functional on my computer.
I'm assuming this is through some fault of either yours, the powerful PC cabal, or maybe even the Man.
But it is most certainly NOT due to the fact that I own a slightly older Mac and I refuse to run any browser other than Firefox. (Yes, I've pressed the button with the picture of a kitty on it, but that doesn't seem to do much other than light up my keyboard in pretty colors while playing nursery rhymes.)
Therefore, I'm contacting you via the email address I found on the bathroom wall at some place called The Bike Stop.
I'm writing today to see if you can guess what I noticed besides a glaring typo, nay, a full-on grammatical error (editor for an online publication? Really?) in your Tony's Always Right / Diary of a Hater" entry.
Ok, I'll tell you.
I noticed a snarky comment about Ugg boots and women drivers. It was clever. [ed-thanks!]
But more importantly, it gave me hope.
It made me think that perhaps I may not be the only person who fucking hates Ugg boots with a fury rivaled only by my crushing hatred for the Ugg boots / sweatpants combination. Which is, of course, topped only by my black-out / can't-explain-to-the-cops-how-that-woman's-head-ended-up-buried-in-my-garden-hatred for the prized Ugg / skirt / warm weather combo.
You get my point.
My question is this: How can we get people to stop wearing Uggs?

Sincerely,
Ceci N'est Pas un Nom de Plume Intelligent

Whew, well CN'EPUNDPI,

thanks for writing. That letter was purpler than Grimmace. Leave the writing to me, and quit pointing out my mistakes. [ed - mistake found and fixed and self flagellated over]

Some tips on using an Apple with the internet: Did you try navigating away from the Jonas Bros page? Were you tying to write me an email in iTunes? that won't work. Did you try using a real computer? One of these should fix your issues.

On to the main issue: How to get girls to stop wearing Uggs. At first blush I'd say: stop masturbating to them. But that might not get the job done, we need to take a deeper look. Who's to blame? Some people say they have no answer, that these fashion trends grow on their own and lots of people contribute blah blah, but that's not true. I know exactly who to blame. George Harrison.



BAM! Look! It's his fault! That was way tougher to find than it should have been. Y'all are lucky I'm so good at the internet.

So, blame George. Oh, we still don't know how to get them to stop. If girls want their feet to look like Chewbacca, let 'em. To be honest, I don't think they are that bad. Meaning, girls will always wear stupid crap. I personally hated those awful ballet-shoe looking flats they were all wearing. These dumb trends come and go. Girls are fickle. Wait it out. The biggest secret girls keep from us is that they are wicked lazy. Uggs are easy. But fashionable will always win out over lazy, so in a season or two it will be some other dumb trend you hate because you are old and bitter. And lastly, at least they aren't Crocs.

Keep it real,

Tony