Playlists

Good news everyone!

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ALL playlists now have a listenable playlist widget! Hooray! Just click on the playlist label on the right sidebar or at the bottom of this post to see all of them. Listen! Enjoy!

GAFABP

Friday! BOO YA! In your face, other days.

Dear Tony,
My hands sweat a lot so I get uncomfortable when people go to shake my hand. Then I get more uncomfortable when I don't shake their hand. What should I do?

Moist-handed girl.

Thanks for writing M-HG,

First off, that's a super creepy name. If I met a hot girl and she told me her name was "Moist-handed girl" I'd probably feel bad about making out with her. Just so you know - I am writing this response with an image of a nervous, fidgety, nigh-amphibious girl in mind. So you have that going for you.

As far as your problem goes, you have a few options.

The first option, and the one I favor, is to wear a glove like that super-creep from Of Mice and Men.

Ew.

This way, you have an air of mystery and pseudosexual creepiness about you. If that's what you are going for, this is your best option.

Option two is to just not worry about it. I never notice what other people's hands feel like when I shake them. I like how I wrote that sentence, it is ambiguous if I am shaking hands or people. Just shake their hand and hope they don't notice. Or opt for a fist bump, this is what I do when I am eating or the person looks infected.

Option three, and probably my strongest option, is to stop being a nebbish wimp. Why are your hands so sweaty? Stop being scared of the world and (wo)man up. Nobody likes a nervous nelly. Take life by the horns and your hands will dry up and become little arid deserts of success.

I hope this helps,

Tony

Me and Courtney

Stealing an idea/request from @ShmittenKitten

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but Courtney Love (UK) and I are dating. Here is a transcript of our sexts - and by that I mean here are some fictional responses I am making to tweets she has tweeted.

Me: Hollllllller
CL(UK): I'm so heavily anguished at the cowardice of people who love me, I'm so sad for us all I'm hari-kari girl. I'll be good w thebtruth.
Me: You don't have to be anguished, I'm cool. Don't sword yourself? Is that what you are saying? You so crazy.
CL(UK): dunno but im cackling my ass off at madge right now, i love it when she tried to piss me off,,,, my art collection is still better mama.
Me: Good too see your spirits are lifted. Your comma collection is certainly better than Madonna's
CL(UK): Just discovered yr blog awesopme! amazing!
Me: You just found it? Took you long enough. I always figured my blog was how I landed such a catch
CL(UK): Bear you are a thrillionare! geek god!
Me: Aww thanks Court, I am the Brad Pitt of Bears. You know how much I love your drug addled, nonsensical compliments
CL(UK): You look amazing!
Me: I know right! Any advice on how to stay this bearly?
CL(UK):Eat up lover - the key to a healthy mind is a healthy body - sg
Me: Thanks for the tip, but are you quoting Suicide Girls?
CL(UK): locked out am last night and now i cant make the remote work
Me: That would explain the poorly attributed quotes, I suppose.
Cl(UK): sobs. i know fucking pathetic. i think i'm about to become a mistress never a job i wanted, kinda icky
Me: Losing the remote isn't that big of a deal, and I told you that married to sea tattoo is a metaphor. You can't actually marry the sea. Are you still upset about this? what's wrong?
CL(UK): oh nothing just shattered and crying in my fucking pillow. wishing i was...Not dead just not feeling so sickened. Options? Yes
Me: Courtney, baby, I'm not married to the sea. You can't marry a body of water.
CL(UK): I'm a lifeless rag, so set me on fire. Ennui is killing my vibrant good decent soul. Pathetic meet courtney, Courtney meet pathetic "hello"
Me: Seriously, Courtney, I am not married to anyone. Chill out.
Cl(UK):what else can possibly go wrong. oh plenty. tons, you only get references for good lawyers once in strawberry moon and its killing me
Me: Strawberry moon? That's not a real thing.
CL(UK): every blue moon i take an ambien, last night i did, its vile
Me: Blue moons aren't every day, but that's a real thing at least. Are we still on for tonight?
CL(UK): no,,,, rock n roll tonight please.
Me: Stop showing off your comma collection, Madonna is not jealous. Why aren't we seeing each other? Is there another man? Are you seeing someone else? Who are you dating?
CL(UK): funny man @georgelopez xoxoxoxo
Me: Whore.


There you have it, the bitter end to my torrid Love affair. Those are all actual tweets from Courtney Love's new twitter account.

Couple things

First, if you park your vanity-plated Smart car illegally in front of my apartment again, I'm going to throw it on the roof like a grumpy neighbor with a petulant child's frisbee. That won't be fun for you, now will it?

I'm pretty stoked I was able to cook up a way to put my playlists on here for you to listen to. I don't know if you can download them from here, but that's your job.

I'll work on getting the other playlists up here, and going forward.

Don't y'all forget about GAFABP now, ya hear? I haven't done one of those in a while.

Enjoy this picture.

Bam!

Gimmicky

Another.

Today's playlist is a bit of a challenge for me since I don't like relaxing and my musical vocabulary proves it.

The best part of this was definitely scrolling through unhappy hipsters looking for a suitable picture. Plus I feel even less bad for stealing their pictures than I usually do, since most of theirs are pinched from Dwell (which I am suddenly ashamed to read). That website certainly captures (sarcastically) the existential dismay that is living in fancy, post-modern homes.

This is a playlist for a Sunday morning. Perhaps you've woken up next to a comely companion, perhaps you'll joyfully waste the day away, perhaps this moment plucked from your life is one that will stick with you curiously, perhaps perhaps perhaps.


It was really hard not to use Helvetica for this. It just felt so right it was wrong. Click me!

1. I Don't Mind - The Decemberists What are the chances the fictional couple in that picture don't listen to The Decemberists? None? Less than that? I also enjoy them. Crap.
2. Mambo Sun - T. Rex I find glam relaxing. Plus this song would totally impress a lady waking up next to me. T. Rex has one of the best band names and album covers ever.
3. This Must Be The Place - The Talking Heads Sticking with the glammish theme here, I love this song
4. Relative Ways - ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead One of their mellowest songs - I can't believe this is their first appearance on one of my playlists.
5. Velouria - The Bad Plus A three piece jazz ensemble covering The Pixies? I win at hipness.
6. I Shall Be Released - The Band One of two bands my parents got me into.
7. Thirteen - Big Star You have to like Big Star if you want to be respected by anyone. Alex Chilton is an indie-rock god and has a Replacements song named after him
8. Paper Boats - Nada Surf The band best known for the late 90's MTV anthem "Popular" made some great records.
9. Bees Bein' Strugglin' - The Octopus Project An experimental electronic band from Austin named after a cephalopod? Scene points through the roof!
10. Cut Your Hair - Pavement Sometimes I want to hear some A-list college rock, ok?
11. Section 9 (Light & Day/Reach for the Sun) - Polyphonic Spree This song makes me inexplicably happy. Deal with it.
12. Hey Sandy - Polaris You know this song, even if you don't know you know it. Look it up, you'll be awesomely surprised when you hear it.
13. Gorilla Meat - Jogger A pleasant hippy-electronic tune. Get into it. UYD4L

That playlist made me want to do crosswords and eat eggs, mission accomplished.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Sorry kids, hope you missed me yesterday.

Keep the playlist ideas coming, we have some good ones. And some weird ones. Keep up the good/weird work.

So I was watching Planet Earth on Blu Ray (us bloggers live the life) last night, and came upon this hilarious/terrifying when dead dude.

Kill it with fire.

That's a deer skull. A deer with fangs. Why do deer need fangs? Simply to terrify me? Well, good luck looking like this:


Pet it with fire.

Ummm, ok, in theory fangs sound cool and all, but this execution is terrible. He looks like the joker deer who puts chop sticks in his mouth at dinner to make his deer buddies laugh. Your skull is way more terrifying than you are.

In other news, I still need a job and have yet to become a millionaire writer. You guys probably thought one or both of those things was the reason I didn't post yesterday. You'd be wrong. I didn't post yesterday because I am lazy.

My actual recent playlist:
Gaslight Anthem
Cap'n Jazz
Lucero
Descendents
UYD

In my days of looking at things on the internet, I've seen some crazy, horrible stuff. Then I came across this. That website is horrible. In all the terribleness that exists on the internet, that site might take the cake. And the cake is made of barf and shame. Seriously don't click that link. I don't even know why I posted it. If you can't figure out what bad-dragon.com/toys might be, then you probably aren't prepared for it, and if you are prepared for it, I probably don't want you anywhere near me.

Edit: after a few complaints - that link is Not Safe For Work. Obviously, since it's pretty much Not Safe for Life. Also feel free to play my game - which of your friends is most likely to own one of those?